Cat in a Sunbeam

My Take on "It takes a village to raise a child"

2010-08-15T20:50:00.004-04:00

It is unreasonable to expect parents to raise well-rounded children without support. In order to function intelligently in the world, a child needs to learn first-hand that people can be very different from one another, and that it doesn’t mean that a particular person is right or wrong/better or worse. This is done by safely (and graciously) growing up around people of different ways of life, age groups… and yes, religion/belief systems, etc. Seeing how different people treat each other, themselves, and how they react in certain situations teaches the child that they have a choice in how they live their lives, and they begin to practice making those choices in a safe environment.

If there are enough people to provide day-to-day support of a family with a child, there is less stress, less fear, less anger, less resentment and more joy, more gratitude, more learning, and more love to go around because experiences will vary, which always makes life more interesting, and provides something new to talk about at the dinner table, and so on. A parent, when beginning to become stressed, or is too tired, or is dealing with some state of mind or other incapability that interferes with their ability to focus on the child can easily and quickly find a brief reprieve without having to resort to some electronic babysitter; and the child ends up gaining experience with interacting with another person, the care-giver has an opportunity to offer assistance and enjoy sharing time with a child, and the parent avoids frustration and burn-out. It means that there are many people the parents trust with the life of the child because the child is truly important to everyone else, and they want to support the family. It means that a child has a view of the world that is as realistic as possible to prepare them for adulthood when they will have to form and maintain relationships and perhaps raise children of their own.

I imagine that if such a village existed, there would be an understanding of who was responsible for what, because it would largely depend on the specific abilities, availabilities, and extent to which an individual wanted to participate (even the parents – not every human who procreates knows everything about everything!). For example, some people would rather care for babies, when others would rather help with teaching a particular skill, or help them deal with emotions, or whatever. This type of village means that there’s always someone to go to when help is needed, or some time is needed away from the family, but in a way that everyone knows that everyone is safe. Unfortunately, this is not the norm in our society, if it’s even possible. Fortunately, humans are very adaptive and resilient and end up being able to survive somehow. :)

What do you do for living?

2010-08-04T20:00:00.006-04:00

In social situations, I understand that this is a conventional question that most people are comfortable asking and answering. However, this question cannot be asked without first making the assumption that someone is actually working. It also assumes that what a person is employed to do gives you insight into who they are. Instead, when you want to know more about someone, I propose asking something like “what interests you?” The assumption that a person is interested in something is much more likely to be accurate.

If you’re not working for whatever reason, and someone asks “what do you do for a living”, I would probably try to do is answer in the spirit of the question. Chances are, someone is either simply making small talk or looking for a connection, so answer with something you want to talk about, or how you spend your time. Although I personally avoid asking the question because I don’t like being nosey, a friend of mine is a teacher and she struggles with people not understanding how she survives the summer. (!) Anyway, she tries to ask, “what are you passionate about”, so maybe if you answer as if the question was phrased that way, it would be easier. For example, I think I’ve actually answered with something like, “well, my work isn’t that interesting, but it allows me to focus on the things I enjoy like…” One thing’s for sure is that people like talking about themselves in general, so if you don’t feel like putting much effort into answering, steering the conversation toward the other person usually puts you in the clear. “Tell me about your… whatever.” Just make sure you’re willing to put forth some effort into actually listening.

True self, confidence, and attraction

2010-07-24T20:00:00.008-04:00

Living your true self makes you more attractive.

Aside from superficial observations, confidence plays a significant part in how attractive a person is. When someone is being/doing something that they truly enjoy – whether it’s a girl playing Magic or a guy exploring the culinary arts – they are more attractive because they are letting you see the real them. And if an activity isn’t the “norm” for their gender, they may be even more confident because they know they are being genuine, despite the fact that it’s not the norm… ergo, they are more attractive.

False expressions of confidence aren't as successful because who or what is being attracted isn't a natural connection. (This doesn't mean that natural connections never fade, but in those cases, it's caused by something else.)

Being "attractive" doesn't mean being "sexually" attractive... it defines everything you attract: people, relationships, experiences, information... everything. But attracting what naturally aligns with you depends on whether you are living your true self.

Enneagram

2010-07-23T20:00:00.004-04:00

I’ve studied the Enneagram for some time, and I’ve learned that there are many people who either aren’t interested in personality typing, don’t want to be “put in a box”, or think it’s a load of hooey. That’s fine with me. It took me a while not to get defensive, but I only wanted others to be able to see it for what it was: a tool. The Enneagram helped me greatly by helping me understand that I am a product of my experiences (I know this is a “duh” thing for many, but you have to figure it out sometime); and allowed me to let go of my… well, guilt about being the way I am. It helped me form language around the things that make me an individual, and the flaws I see that I’d like to change, or somehow “redirect”.

It also helped me understand the dynamics of my relationship with my parents. I’m a One, my Mom’s a Nine, and my Dad’s an Eight. Now I have a better understanding of why me and my Dad often butted heads, and why my Mom was always caught in the middle. Our “surface desires” seemed to match sometimes, but our motivations were different. I cannot stress enough that personality type models are tools. If you are manipulated by them, then they are not being used correctly. If you react to something about yourself that a model happens to point out, then there’s no harm in looking deeper, if you want. It’s also my understanding from books on the Enneagram that each person is a combination of all the types, which supports the idea that everyone is individual. It doesn’t put everyone into one of 9 types, rather some place on a very long spectrum. I also like how it suggests different characteristics of a person depending on their state, whether they are “moving” in a positive direction (growth), or negative (stressed).

Here are a couple websites:
http://www.enneagraminstitute.com/
http://www.9types.com/

Intelligence Lost?

2010-07-22T20:00:00.005-04:00

I usually operate under the assumption that I (or anyone) could learn just about anything, but I think that there are natural limitations for certain types of knowledge, and whether they can be overcome is often up to the person. An example that I’ll never forget is when I tried to teach my grandmother how to use a computer. She was probably about 80 at the time (she’s 94 now). I consider her pretty intelligent, but she couldn’t grasp the concept of using a mouse. Her hand was on the mouse, and I placed my hand on hers. I used my other hand to point to the screen where the pointer was, and moved both my hands in conjunction so that she could see the coordination between mouse and screen. When I let go for her to try on her own, she kept “twisting” the mouse, as if she were screwing a top on a jar. For a time, I thought it was simply an inconceivable concept for her, but maybe her desire to learn just wasn’t strong enough. I would like to have the intelligence to adapt to the changes that I can’t foresee – to solve problems that I can’t think of.

I think the influx of tech gadgets have in one way helped users' ability to think in different ways from what we're used to; but in another way, they have greatly reduced the need for users to rely on memory. If I can't remember a street name, movie title, band name, song lyric, how to spell anything, a phone number, or anything else that I've not committed to memory, all I need is one of my gadgets. And by that, I mean my laptop or my cell phone. I don't even need to remember or write down the model number of my vacuum to get correct bags - I can just take a picture of the model label with my phone and refer to it in the store.

I take some effort in practicing memory though. When I'm going to a new place, I memorize the address (even if I'm only going to end up entering it into my GPS). I have memorized my account numbers, including my primary credit card (along with date and security code). This is quite handy when ordering stuff online because I don't have to fish out my card. I play video, card, and board games that rely on memory. Even in tennis, I have to remember the score. When I read a book, I memorize the page number where I stopped instead of marking it. I also see an opportunity coming in the somewhat near future as I consider educational options.Above all, I want to be able to grasp concepts that are foreign to me, like the mouse was a foreign concept to my grandmother. She has yet to use a computer.

Love Letter to Earth

2009-10-15T13:35:00.012-04:00

You are beautiful.

You are the air that I breathe
You are always there for me
I have been unaware of how I affect you.

You breathe the dreams of all life.

You are the ground beneath my feet
You have supported me through thick and thin
I have taken for granted your nourishment.

We are connected on the deepest level whether I choose to acknowledge it or not.

You are the water that I drink
You have never given up on me
I will be aware the little things you do, because if you stop, I will die.

You are my everything.

I am deeply sorry for what has happened in the past, so I will do what I can to learn and change what happens now. I hope it's not too late for you to heal. Most of all, I hope I can speak for all humanity.

Love,
Me

Thank you for reading.
Thanks to Blog Action Day for this opportunity to be a part of a worthwhile movement.
For more inspiration, watch Home: http://www.home-2009.com/.
Join me and many others on October 24, 2009 for 350's International Day of Climate Action.
Image of Earth: NASA/courtesy of nasaimages.org

Fire

2009-06-17T13:41:00.003-04:00

I have tried to imagine what it would be like if I lost all of my belongings in a fire. I remember a time when I thought I would be devastated; however, recently I’ve thought that it wouldn’t be that bad, if not even positively freeing. I think a big part of change has to do with the fact that I’ve worked on not being attached to things in general, and also because I have been realizing my own, personal value that is not measured by my possessions, if any are even a reflection of my taste.

While on vacation in Bermuda earlier this month, a thought suddenly occurred to me: “what if my place is on fire?” Seeing as how there was no rational reason for this concern, nor was there anything I could do from the ocean, somewhere near the Bermuda Triangle, I let the thought pass.

The day I returned home (Sunday), I went to borrow my landlord’s lawnmower that is kept in my neighbor’s backyard shed. So that I wouldn’t alarm the tenants who were home, I spoke to them directly to let them know I what I was up to. Well, the people I met who I thought were just friends of my neighbors were actually new tenants. Anyway, we got to talking, and they explained to me that while I was away, the smoke alarms in my half of the house went off. Fortunately, my back door was unlocked so when they called the landlord, he gave them permission to go in my place and turn them off. (I don’t mind, especially since the cats were probably losing their minds!) I couldn’t help but wonder if that occurred around the same time the thought entered my head. I offered in conversation that perhaps smoke entered through open windows to set off the alarms, since there was no source in the house to set them off.

The next day, at group (Monday), the topic was attachment, and since the idea was fresh in my head, I shared how I measured my level of attachment to my things by imagining I lost everything in a fire.

Thinking that was all to the possible coincidence, the rest of the week proceeded normally.

The following Sunday evening, Brian and I dropped some stuff off at our new apartment. I returned home as dusk was turning to night, and I smelled smoke as I approached the house. I wondered where it was coming from, and was worried enough that when I opened the door in the grayish darkness before turning on a light, I thought I saw smoke filling the room. Fortunately, that thought disappeared as soon as I turned on a light and I realized that the milky darkness was playing a trick on my eyes. Walking to the back of my house, I discovered that the source of the smoke was a little backyard firepit my neighbors’ were using. Hmm…. I wonder if they used it while I was away, and that’s what triggered the alarms? Case closed.

The very next day (Monday), I finished reading the second book in the Inheritance fantasy trilogy (Eldest by Joseph Paolini), which I began on vacation. In anticipation of reading the next and final book in the series, I looked it up in the library’s online catalog. The next book is titled Brisingr… elven for “Fire”.

Walking Meditation is Awesome

2009-05-08T10:18:00.001-04:00

I would like to report that I very much enjoyed last night’s meditation session at the Philadelphia Meditation Center in Havertown. It was the first time I did walking meditation and I had absolutely NO IDEA how it was to be done (does everyone walk around in a circle?); however, the logistics became clear rather quickly – not to mention that it felt incredibly natural. I would love to do it outside.

We also found out that Barry Kerzin, MD, a Buddhist monk, is presenting a talk tonight on “Dependent Origination” at 7pm (check out the link to his bio). I guess I can see Star Trek another night. :)

Dear Self:

2009-03-17T15:05:00.003-04:00

I will no longer allow you to make excuses for not being physically active. Yes, you did a great job last summer to get into and stay in shape. And yes, it’s ok that you took something of a break over the winter, but the body has gained weight as a result of inactivity; and the longer you wait to do something about it, the more difficult it will be to return to the pre-winter condition.

Remember the times when you were committed to doing something active every single day? Remember that you actually enjoyed it because you were in shape, and it wasn’t a chore? Let’s get there again. Instead of choosing to relax by vegging in front of the TV, let’s explore that bike path for a half hour or so (yes, you have enough time). Let’s do some yoga (Can’t think where? How about the front porch?) Schedule some weekly tennis. Throw the Frisbee around on the weekend. Pack a bag for the car so you can go to the gym after work when weather thwarts outdoor plans. All at no extra cost. :) Don’t be overwhelmed; take one day at a time; and remember that something is better than nothing.

Avoid the traps.

not enough time (in the time it takes to convince yourself and decide that there isn’t enough time, you could already be outside jogging around the block)
nothing to wear (you can wear anything that is comfortable enough)
hesitation… just do it
negativity: “don’t feel like it”; “don’t want to”; “I’d rather do something else” (you will always feel better afterwards; but be smart – don’t overexert, and be mindful of ability. If you’re sick or too tired, you risk injury, so don’t be foolish)

Motivation.
There will likely come a time when you won’t physically be able to be active – enjoy it while you can.
Being active will support the many other areas of overall well-being: sleep quality, mental acuity, emotional steadiness, and indirectly, even spirituality.
Doing is one way of being...

Be generous – activity is required maintenance for the body – take care of it
Be appreciative of nature – get out there and enjoy it
Be alive – experience is the stuff of life, from sunshine to sore muscles

Most importantly, always remember that I am here for you. I understand you better than anyone else, and I know where your weaknesses lie. But I also know what your strengths are, and I will help you leverage those to overcome the obstacles. And although I’m more than 100% confident that we can do this, I am also not afraid to get help if it turns out to be needed. Any questions?

Generosity

2009-01-07T21:24:00.003-05:00

The most recent topic for the Power of Now Group meeting was “What is your theme for 2009?”

My theme for 2009 is Generosity. This theme incorporates multiple aspects that I’d like to focus attention on while accessing an underlying quality that has been suppressed. As a child, I was generous. Until my parents caught on, I would often give away my toys when I saw how happy they made someone. So, in a sense, I am reclaiming that genuine aspect of myself – one that was truly mine as an innocent child.

So what does generosity equate to, in my life?

Generous to myself

My body, through fitness, nutrition, general health
My spirit, through spiritual practice and growth, and connection to others
My mind, through learning and playing

Generous to others

Acceptance through patience, understanding, and compassion
Giving time, attention, and care through being helpful and considerate during any interactions
Creative expressions of gratitude (for example, submitting positive comment cards with an employee’s name – it may help someone get a raise!)

Generous with money

Recognize where there is value to me
Practice “smart generosity” – "feed" areas I want to grow

How do I see a year of generosity changing my life?

I will experience more joy. Generosity feels good as it recognizes, fosters, and celebrates the connection we have with others.

It will be easier to recognize that what I receive may be an opportunity for another to practice generosity. That will help me gladly accept favors and gifts from others without a feeling of obligation.

I will no longer see myself as someone who is struggling to get on with life after a divorce, but someone who has an enormous potential to assist humanity’s evolution toward enlightenment.

If I live with a generous heart, I am giving the universe what I would be happy to receive.

Sign Language - Update 1

2008-10-13T10:16:00.002-04:00

It's been so long since I've written a post, I was surprised to see that the last one was about sign language, and here I am 5 weeks into an ASL course. I'm enjoying the class, the teacher has a great personality and is patient. At first, the classroom setting left a little to be desired, since there is much one-on-one that occurs, but now I appreciate that there is often clarification to be gained, and the moments that intersperse between being shown new signs helps to integrate and practice what is learned.

If you are interested in ASL, www.lifeprint.com is a great site.

Sign language

2008-07-31T10:30:00.001-04:00

For as long as I can remember, I have been fascinated with sign language. I never learned it because I never needed to. I find it more expressive than spoken word, like dancing... it's body language.

I knew someone who was fluent in sign language when I lived in Arizona; once we went to a club and across a huge crowd, he saw someone he knew. Because of the high volume level, he was able to have a conversation with this person by signing all the way across the dance floor easier than with me, standing right next to him. I thought that was pretty neat.

At dinner on a business trip several years ago, a conversation began comparing being deaf and being blind. One of the project team members explained a perspective that has stuck with me ever since. Although most of the people were quick to say that they would select sight over hearing if they had to choose, one man said that he would definitely choose hearing over sight. And then there was silence.

He went on to explain that he had an opportunity to experience what it was like to be newly deaf. A device was placed in each of his ears that emitted a white noise that was loud enough to drown out sound, but soft enough that after some time, his brain stopped registering the noise, and he perceived hearing nothing at all.

The thing he noticed most was how isolated he felt from other people. If he wasn't looking at a person, they had no way of getting his attention other than touching him. And people quickly got tired, if not annoyed, and eventually ignored him completely.

I would like to learn sign language. Recently, a friend asked me why, and several reasons come to mind. The concept of communicating with gestures just seems natural to me. I think it would allow for a deeper connection because the nature of signing includes more than just hands, which allows deeper expression, and that appeals to me. I suspect my attention to detail would be a strength when learning to interpret other's signs (although I don't think it will be easy to learn).

Among other things, I try not to take my hearing for granted. Beyond the reasons described above, I can't help but wonder if there is some other possible purpose for knowing sign language that I'm not aware of yet. One obvious purpose is to be an interpreter, and although I can't rule that out, I would have my work cut out for me because my memory is not very good at that kind of thing. When I've helped a friend by taking dictation, I would often have to get her to repeat things because my mental "buffer" is pretty limited. I could probably work on improving that skill if I wanted to. Or, maybe it would just be an opportunity to communicate in-person with people whom I'm not currently able. All I can say is that I have a feeling that knowing sign language would bring me joy, and I've learned enough recently that I don't need to know why or how before doing something about it.

So, what's stopping me? What's holding me back? Well, I guess on some level, I don't think I have the "right" to know sign language since I don't "need" it. I have no direct connection to the deaf community. Practically, I don't (think) I know anyone who knows sign language, so I don't a way (much less a convenient way) to practice, which is crucial to learning.

Obviously, if I have a desire to connect with people using sign language, I have the right to learn it. Whether some people think otherwise isn't my concern. Even by writing this post, I may invite opportunities to present themselves.

After I finished typing the above paragraph, I succumbed to my compelling urge to Google "learn sign language" and within seconds, I was reading "Reflections of an ASL Student". And within seconds, after reading a few of his posts, I felt so inspired and supported at the same time.

I'm interested to see where I go with this...

I know nothing

2008-07-29T09:47:00.001-04:00

I understand.
Things change from moment to moment.
The future is not predictable.
The present isn’t always what it seems.
The past doesn’t exist.
Only our perception of it.

I try.
My intuition guides me.
I make as few assumptions as possible.
When in doubt, I do nothing.

I know nothing.
Things are not known. They just are.

(Thanks to B. for prompting me to write this post.)

Message of the Spider

2008-07-01T13:23:00.003-04:00

Over the last couple of weeks, I have considered what the spider might symbolize to me. Wisdom of connectedness has been my prevalent thought.

At some point last week, the name Susun Weed came to mind, for the first time in about five years, while I was walking to my car. I thought of her name when I noticed clover growing through the cracks in the sidewalk along my street, and recalled times when I’ve plucked and eaten their leaves.

Friday night, at my first drum circle, I mentioned my recent spider presence. One woman said that the spider is used frequently with “grandmother”.

At a friend’s house on Sunday, three times I relocated baby spiders which were dangling from my body.

Today, I took a couple minutes to look up spider symbology on the Web. There are many references, most having to do with dream interpretation, and although they made sense, nothing seemed to be significant. Then I recalled what the woman from Friday said, and I looked up “grandmother spider”.

There was Susun Weed. I clicked her site's link first (even though it was second in the list) and found a wonderful story of how everything is connected in the Web of Life.
I clicked the link listed first and found a fable of wisdom, where Grandmother Spider is titled Firebringer.

In the past month, I have been present at a couple of fire circles. Each time, I sang a song in my head:

Rise up o flame
By thy light's glowing
Show to us beauty
Vision and joy

When I learned this song, it was sung over and over, in a round, as the campfire was being lit. I had prided myself on becoming one of the few “one-match-fire” starters. (The key was dry blueberry twigs.) This was at the summer camp I attended for 10 years… where I first enjoyed the company of wolf spiders in my tent.

Message received… loud and clear.

It's all in my head

2008-06-30T23:45:00.003-04:00

It seems that part of each lesson I learn is finding out there's more to learn. After reflecting upon tonight's discussion of how relationships can be a spiritual practice, I realize that when it comes to "romantic" relationships, I'm simply scared. I don't want to have an "attached" kind of relationship. I think I've been successful with friendly relationships, but have not even tried it with a lover, significant other, or whatever term you want to use.

Considering everything that would need to come together for me to even consider a close relationship - that quintessential spark, a connection, mutual attraction, general alignment of timing and interest to have a relationship, and last but not least, a very compatible idea of what a loving relationship is, from both of our perspectives - it seems unlikely enough to happen. Add to that the fact that I don't have the nonattachment thing down, which, given my track record pretty much guarantees a short-lived relationship, only fueled is my fear of pain (not just mine), and you have one person scared to get close.

And yes, I recognize these things - attachment, fear, pain - as being in my head. Maybe they won't always be there, but for the current moment, they are what I have instead of a hand in mine.

Spirit of the Spider

2008-06-14T15:01:00.007-04:00

I'm not quite sure how to describe the significance of this, but I've noticed a prevalence of spiders or representations of spiders in my life lately. Admittedly, my appreciation of insects in general has been rekindled lately by a new friend who pointed out that she has a common interest, and spiders are quite interesting to me. But until today, I didn't notice the pattern of arachno-representation that has occurred subconsciously.

Last month, near the end of my transformational Woman Within Training (I will create a post about that, but for most it will probably be repetitive), we weaved a single web to represent our connectivity to one another. (It was really cool, but I won't go into detail so I don't spoil the fun for anyone else.) Afterward, I decided that my drummer character in my Rock Band video game needed some ink. Despite many designs to choose from, I placed a spider tattoo on her arm.

Since then, I believe it was Wednesday, June 4, I walked to a local restaurant for a yummy pizza to take home, and because a new, local art studio/shop had their doors open late, I browsed while I waited for my hand-tossed goodness. There were many beautiful things in the shop from jewelry, clothes, and furniture, but one thing caught my attention. Yes, a spider.

Two days later, for the town's First Friday event, I met some friends for a bite to eat. Afterwards, I walked them to the studio and had another opportunity to see the spider. I showed it to my friends, and may have had a slight inkling of the idea that I would purchase it, but my mindset lately has been to only spend money on things that were important to me, and this was nonfunctional (even though technically, it is a box that you can put something small in), so I dismissed the thought.

To my surprise, sometime during that following week, I had a fear that someone else would buy the spider. So I decided at that point that if the spider was still in the studio the next time I visited, I would inquire about the price and seriously consider purchasing it.

Over the course of yesterday, I encountered three live spiders. And without any conscious plans to do so, I found myself in the position to visit the studio again last evening, exactly one week after my previous visit. Realizing this opportunity to buy the spider, I shared my excitement with a friend who was accompanying me, as well as my dismay when I learned that it wasn't for sale. After my friend patiently listened to a sales pitch on a piece of jewelry (and stopped listening after hearing the price), the salesperson disclosed that the shop two doors down sells the spiders.

Being late, that shop wasn't open, but after running into some friends this morning for breakfast, we all walked down to the shop and I purchased the spider. And I am happy with my decision.

Anyway, I didn't intend for this to be some boring recount of a trinket purchase - I know I can be long-winded at times. To summarize, I guess I'm just interested to find out what spirit of the spider has to say to me. :)

Symbol of Summer

2008-06-13T11:21:00.003-04:00

There are many things people associate with the summer; the most popular is probably beach-related. Although I love the feeling of sand in my toes and being in and near water, the beach “lifestyle” isn’t really my thing. And sure, there are the sports of the season, but again, not really my thing. This excludes tennis of course, but tennis isn’t a symbol of Summer for me as much as a symbol of non-Winter. :)

When I saw my first firefly of the season yesterday, my mind was immediately filled with memories of summer dusks filled with the songs of the wilderness permeating the heavy, cooling air in that rare and magic time of transition where everything is balanced. At the height of visual contrast where light things are lighter and dark things are darker, exactly between night and day, the rhythms and cycles of life on Earth perpetuate. In honor of the beauty of this magic time, I choose the firefly as my symbol for Summer.

What is your symbol of Summer? If you want to share, feel free to leave a comment.

I'm not surprised

2008-06-04T18:21:00.004-04:00

I'm no longer surprised by how wonderfully things work out when you just let them. Nor by the signs along the way that confirm what you experienced was not a coincidence.

Although I like the idea of listing all such examples I have experienced lately, the reason I'm no longer surprised by them is because they have occurred so frequently. Therefore I will simply share the one from today which (so far) seemed the most intricate (from my current perspective).

First, some background. So far, pottery has been the hobby of mine that has "survived" the longest - I was doing it off & on for 10 years. However, I haven't made pottery since my second miscarriage in December 2004. Even though I had my own kick wheel in my basement, I "dropped" it right between firings, so I have bisqueware that has never been glazed. I never even contacted Pauline, the artist/instructor/owner of the studio (where I had pieces fired), to say I wasn't coming back, because I didn't know I wasn't going back. Days went by, then weeks, then months. Then when I saw the new architecture firm sign on the studio storefront window, I knew the it had been sold.

After awhile, I learned of the new Art Center in town, and found out from the website that Pauline was an instructor there. I still didn't contact her as I hadn't returned to making pottery, but I was happy to know she was there. Years went by; a divorce; months went by as I adjusted to life on my own.

A couple months ago, I explained to a new friend, over coffee, that I still have a few remaining items in my ex's house, including my pottery wheel. She suggested that I look for art studios in town that might be looking for wheels to see if I could keep it there, let others use it, and perhaps be able to use the space. I gave her full credit for the idea, and immediately thought of that new art center where Pauline teaches. Yet, I never acted on it.

Since then, it has been in the back of my mind, and every once in awhile, I think of Pauline. Today was such a day when I thought of her.

On my way home from work, traffic was backed up because I left a later than usual. I wanted to pick up some books from the library, and although I had planned on driving home, and then walking to the library (with the book I wanted to return), I instead had an impulse to just stop at the library while traffic was stopped anyway, and the library was on my route. I found the two books I wanted, browsed and picked up a third, checked them out, and as I was walking toward the exit, I saw Pauline.

We talked for a good while, got caught up, and she gave me a couple of names of people whom I might contact to either share studio space or possibly buy my wheel. (I'm not sure what I want to do yet.) And because this was also not her usual library run either, we reveled in the perfection of running into each other, after 3.5 years. But I wasn't surprised. :)

Perfection

2008-06-03T21:14:00.002-04:00

Regarding self-acceptance, I may have mentioned how truly understanding the concept of not being perfect freed me from the negativity surrounding my failure to live up to my own expectations, thus allowing myself to do what I wanted to do without fear of self-punishment.

My current perspective is quite different.

I no longer fear being alone because I am never alone. Nor is anyone.

I no longer think that I don’t deserve joy, because everyone does.

I no longer need love because I always have it. Just like everyone.

I no longer care what others think. OK, maybe I do. But not in the same way as before.

I am perfect. Everyone and everything is perfect. And as is everyone, I am free to be. Me.

My Purpose

2008-06-02T23:18:00.004-04:00

My entire life has been preparation to receive the words I was given yesterday. Although the specifics of how are not yet clear, my purpose of being is.

It is literally the last thing I thought I would be. (I thought I had a greater likelihood of being a politician!) But in a sense, that’s what makes it perfect. Even though it makes sense on many levels, I am not ready to announce what I am for various reasons.

Practically, although there may be suitable words to describe my purpose, the limiting (labeling) nature of language and certain connotations potentially narrow or redirect what is true. Therefore, I haven't chosen the words yet. Well, there are some general words, but sharing them at this point would be like an episode of TV's Lost, where there are more questions at the end than the beginning.

Personally, I choose to be free of external approval, support (or disapproval). I have only consciously lived with this knowledge for a day so far, so I am experiencing swings between the extremes of instinctual knowing and rational doubt. Explaining things right now just wouldn't serve anyone.

Respectfully, the reason I mentioned this at all, particularly in-person to friends today, was to share something of my life. It was/is not my intent to "tease" or withhold information; the details will unfold naturally.

Trust me, I want details too... how do I? when do I? what if this? what if that?
**SCREECHING HALT!!!*** Psychological time, anyone?

Phew! yeah... in the meantime I choose to stay present and centered. :)

I appreciate your understanding and patience.

Case for Pleasure

2008-06-01T12:00:00.000-04:00

I finally got around to reading Chapter 1 (PDF) of Mama Gena's School of Womanly Arts. It's interesting, and while I totally support the case for pleasure, I do see that I am missing out in various ways. Anyway, here are a couple of tidbits that I attempt to incorporate into my life:

"...true generosity does not occur unless you give from your own surplus. In other words, until you have yours, you don't have anything to give others. Some people can experience surplus when they have a dollar in their pocket. Some feel poverty when they have a million dollars."

"A little secret I'm going to share with you here is that getting your bliss starts with finding the bliss WHERE YOU ARE."

And a relatively new adoption for me, "Don't bother to deconstruct your intuition. Asking why is like trying to figure out a very complex puzzle, and its solution, if you happen upon it, is not always very interesting."..."Most of us get really hung up on the long, crooked, ungratifying trip into Why Things Are the Way They Are. This trip is usually a big maze with no cheese at the end. The problem with looking for the why of it all is that you never really, truly find it. And if you do, it doesn't necessarily make your life any better." Who knew? ;)

"And a key step... is to party, rigorously, from where you are."

Possible BIID-related movie

2008-05-31T16:21:00.005-04:00

About a year ago, I read a news article about a woman who wanted her legs removed from her body. It was a fascinating first-person account that was removed from the website shortly after I found it. However, I discovered that there are others like her, who have what psychiatrists call BIID (Body Integrity Identity Disorder).

Anyway, I immediately thought that it would be a great subject for a movie. Lo and behold, today I happened upon Quid Pro Quo, to be released on Friday, June 13, 2008... which is the same release date for M. Night Shyamalan's The Happening.

Official site: Quid Pro Quo
Apple trailer site: Quid Pro Quo

Memorial Day

2008-05-26T10:17:00.002-04:00

I remember those who sacrificed
in ways I cannot imagine.

I respect the choices of those who stepped up
when they were called.

I honor the freedom they fought for
by living true.

Blog depurpose

2008-05-24T11:18:00.002-04:00

I have changed a lot in recent months, so I’m officially “depurposing” my blog from chronicling my personal growth in a structured way, as I previously set out to do with the initial blog repurpose. This isn’t to say that I won’t still write about my growth; on the contrary, as in a sense, living is growing. But I choose not to have a specific purpose defined that may restrict or otherwise direct the content I create. I will simply share what feels right, as I don’t presume to comprehend the purpose of everything, which includes what I write here.

Shadow and Light

2008-05-13T12:54:00.003-04:00

I am shadow.
Nonexistent in light
Hidden in plain sight

My presence has no consequence
Nor my absence

Under cover of my darkness
Lie unknown things
That die or grow.

I am light.
Knowledge for seeing
Truth that is for being

Giving warmth that deepens mine
Into eyes I shine

Compassionate balance
I am whole
As day and night.

Nothing

2008-05-08T21:40:00.004-04:00

There is no hope - only what is.
Lost.

Never again will I experience such joy.
I am alone
and always will be.

No attachment
to happiness, to others.
I am better without the good.

Comfort is always there
in emptiness.

Freedom from "in"

2008-05-02T12:38:00.005-04:00

I've often struggled to reconcile the incredibly varied types of connections/relationships I can have (and would enjoy!) with people, against what I've been taught is prudent, acceptable, appropriate, etc. Over time, I have simply suppressed my own expression in order to conform to societal rules (or what I thought the societal rules were).

I have recently been working very hard at identifying which aspects of my expression are results of conditioning, and addressing them consciously. However, last Saturday, through a strange circumstance, I gained access to unconscious conditioning that I had not previously been able to see, much less discard. It took me a day and a half to process it, and I came out on the other side a new person. Now I am free from those dictated ways of relating because I have the clarity to see that it's purely up to the individuals involved, and includes being aware, honest, respectful, and conscious. The past five days have been a miraculous, validating whirlwind of meaning, clarity, opportunity, love, and joy.

---

So I'm toying with the concept that being "in love", "in a relationship", or "in a marriage" is as confining as the very word "in" suggests. To be "in" something is to assume that there is some inherent boundary that separates, or limits, what is contained within and without. And the thing with boundaries is that they must be agreed upon to avoid some level of conflict. In the realm of feelings, the proverbial "line in the sand" leads a much more unpredictable existence than its physical counterpart due to its nature of having a plethora of factors and conditions that affect every aspect of it, at any given time.

I can relate with someone. I can feel love for someone. But do I ever want to be "in" something? I know it’s semantic, but I actually think that it’s the existence of these "predefined" sets of boundaries (and what they are presumed to contain) that create the expectations and obligations that, although accepted, are not actually reasonable in many cases.

Day whatever

2008-04-20T14:15:00.006-04:00

I think using this blog to chronicle a 100-day experience of inner peace has run its course for me. When I started, I was pretty sure I wouldn't finish it; however, I thought it would last longer than 20 days. :)

I go through phases, and when one begins, I have no way of knowing how long it will last.
I typically write for one of three reasons:

1.) To sort things out
2.) To record things I want to remember or be able to refer to
3.) To express things that may be helpful to one person who happens across my blog.

In the beginning, it was helpful to have something guiding the topics of my posts, but the phase began to dwindle after it began feeling more like an obligation. Therefore, I hereby withdraw my participation in the disciplined sense but will continue in the spirit by sharing thoughts and experiences regarding inner peace, whenever the words to describe them find their way into my head.

Day 20 - Enough to wonder

2008-04-20T12:18:00.005-04:00

(OK, C - this post is for you.)

I can relate to the recognition of good fortune, and how the joyous revelation of gratitude can fill your spirit with a profound love of life and all it entails. Although I wouldn't say it was polar opposite, my experience was quite different from another's.

The event was seeing a new friend perform a gig at a Philly restaurant/bar. The background is that I had met him through another friend and had gotten to know him some personally over the previous couple weeks. However, not knowing anyone in the "music biz", I was a little apprehensive about seeing the entertainment aspect as it was completely unfamiliar. I can't explain it rationally, but I didn't want to appear like a groupie. Nor did I really want to watch a bunch of groupies vie for his attention. (Yes, I have an inherent jealous tendency, but I have worked at lessening its intensity, and if I may say so, I do a pretty good job at hiding it.) Although I wanted to see him perform, only when I knew he actually wanted me there would I have gone.

Other contributing factors included being with people I didn't know or didn't know well, during the drive to & from the city, and during dinner (the food was really good). And, I'm uncomfortable in bars. This discomfort proved distracting, and made me more susceptible to other external distractions which made it difficult to enjoy his performance, which was pretty awesome.

Although its memory conjures mixed feelings, I'm glad I went, as it helped to build experience and relationships. Not every growth experience is a pleasant one.

It may be presumptuous for me to call it a growth experience, as I'm still not sure what the "lesson" is. It may have simply been an opportunity for me to express my support for someone actively pursuing their passion, an example of which there cannot be too many.

Day 19

2008-04-09T12:59:00.003-04:00

Dream: I was in an unfamiliar yoga class in a dimly lit room with about 25-30 people. We were all standing in a circle, facing counter-clockwise (looking at the back of the person to our right.) Everyone was singing a song that sounded like something that is sung in a Christian church, except for me. Everyone was holding a similar trinket at their heart-center except for me. When the instructor passed by, she asked me if she had given me whatever it was (I don't remember what it was exactly or what she called it). I said no, and she gave me one. I felt strongly that I didn't belong, so I left. I can't recall whether I snuck out right then, during the singing, or whether I waited for it to end and left quickly.

After leaving, I reflected on how there were several different "ritual" type practices in the class, and that it wasn't what I expected or enjoyed. It was as if I was only there as a trial, but still had a positive outlook, if not expectation.

The next thing I remember is that I was in some sort of household/craft store, talking to Hannah, an artist from TV's tattoo shop reality show, LA Ink. We walked around and talked like we were buds, and I told her about the yoga class. She challenged me with questions about why I felt the way I did, but I don't remember what was said, specifically.

Commentary: The idea of things not being what they seem (or are advertised to be) sticks in my head. Yoga has been on my mind because I've not been practicing for a few weeks, and I'm trying to figure out how I feel about that (Read: I'm trying not to beat myself up over not doing something I "should" do). The feeling of being where I don't belong is familiar, as a sense of belonging is pretty foreign to me. It might be tied to how I feel like something is missing. I think Hannah appeared because when I picked up my bicycle from the shop today, one of the employees asked me about my septum piercing because he wants one. He then talked about the tattoo/piercing shops he's been to. Otherwise, it doesn't make sense to me as I don't like shopping, and I don't have a tattoo. Admittedly, the idea of tattoos is intriguing, and I find it interesting to see (yes, through a camera lens) different people talk about their reasons for getting a tattoo, and the work itself can be beautiful.

Day 18

2008-04-08T15:16:00.000-04:00

The topic of spiritual practice came up last night in a discussion, and I found it interesting to hear the different ways people defined what a spiritual practice meant to them. I certainly have a broader perspective now on things that I do and ways that I am that are spiritual. In my mind, "practice" connotes disciplined repetition, so I guess there are many moments that, although I would describe them as blissful or euphoric, I never recognized as being spiritual.

Thinking about these things newly categorized as spiritual, I can't help but notice that there is a common characteristic. I can't control when they happen, they just do. I actually can't remember if I created a post about it, but I've toyed with the concept of enjoying life as actually having as many of "those moments" as possible. So, I guess a spiritual practice for me would be doing what supports being in those moments.

Day 17

2008-04-07T23:19:00.001-04:00

I was in my head a lot today. I was experiencing feelings that I wasn't comfortable with, and my knee-jerk reaction is to analyze what I feel, try to determine why I feel the way I do, and make a judgment, "This is good/this is bad." If it's good, I relish it; if it's bad, I try to rationalize my way out of it. So in other words, I found myself in an overthinking loop.

Fortunately, timing was on my side, as catching up with a friend in the afternoon was naturally grounding, and I was able to enjoy the rest of my day with a more healthy perspective.

Day 15 and 16 - Your heartbreak was not in vain

2008-04-06T22:07:00.001-04:00

Saturday, I was a vegetable due to a bad headache. But I believe that it might have been necessary in order to embrace an experience I had following morning.

At my Sunday breakfast counter of choice, Irish Joe's, I brought my copy of Ascent of Humanity to read while waiting and eating. (No Charles, I have not forgotten the importance of mindfully savoring food... baby steps.) I had skipped to a chapter on the conversion of life into money, and was reading the Social Capital subchapter when I came across this passage near the end:

Our outward casualness could not insulate us from the wrenching, liberating, shattering power of sexual love to open a door to the soul. I wonder if any of my girlfriends from that time will read this? If so, I want you to know that even if I then seemed a hopeless cad, your love turned deep invisible keys in my soul. Your heartbreak was not in vain. What you gave me, I needed for my future opening.

Your heartbreak was not in vain.

Exactly.

I wept. I was high. The food exploded with flavor that wasn't in the previous bite.

Finally, I can let go. Now that I know it wasn't all for nothing. For me as well as those I have hurt.

Day 11, 12, 13, and 14

2008-04-04T17:01:00.002-04:00

Is this cheating? Not when you make up your own rules! :)

It's been quite a week; in a good way. I decided not to force a blog post when words didn't come. I haven't been remembering dreams lately, but I have been trying subtly new and different ways of being in the world. I am taking a more active role in making connections with people, although I'm trying my best to do it in a balanced way. That is, not overextending myself or my freedom, nor being forward, but trying to remaining open so when situations arise that I want to explore, I am able to.

So far, I've been amazed at how things seem to work themselves out when I let go of trying to control things and go with the flow, happily. In the past few days, things have seemed simple. I feel like I'm able to access the joy of life a little more easily than before.

Day 10

2008-03-31T23:09:00.000-04:00

Another wonderful day. One of the things I like about myself is that I can get excited. I usually try not to express it to others (another topic for another time), but I’m at least beginning to recognize that this is one way that my instinct manifests. The excitement comes from within, and my mind is left to decide how to respond to it, which usually results in overthinking with an undercurrent of self-doubt. “Oh, it’s probably not a good idea. Bad things could happen.” But, times are a-changing. The new script is “Hey, this idea is intriguing. I feel good about it, so things could happen that bring me joy.”

The most recent outcome of this new script is my involvement with a local Time Bank. Most of us like to do good deeds. The time bank is a way to exchange good deeds, kind of like a barter system, without having to make an exchange both ways with the same person. This results in only doing what you want to do for someone; and if there’s something you need, there are more people who might be willing to do it for you.

Participating in the Time Bank might be one way to strenghten my connections with others in a healthy way, which I believe will support my effort to be more authentic.

Day 9

2008-03-30T23:52:00.002-04:00

I hope things start making sense soon.

Fortunately, I've gotten more comfortable being on my own. This is a little embarrassing, but I'll share it anyway. After I went grocery shopping today, I got really excited over the fact that I went out and got what I wanted, instead of what I "should have" gotten. Even though the actual items might not have been that much different, the change in mindset is important to me.

I'm also a little more comfortable with certain relationships. Well, to be more exact, the moments when I'm more comfortable are becoming more frequent and last a little longer.

As for the big areas that I'm struggling with, I'm doing the best I can.

Day 8

2008-03-29T23:07:00.003-04:00

Anyone who has been following my self-development knows that I've been trying to heed my instincts a lot more. I've discovered that one of the obstacles to following through on my instinct is that my Ego influences how strong I perceive the instinct to be. For example, it I have a feeling that I should pursue something, and I actually want to, the instinct feels very strong; however, if it's something that I'm not particularly keen on, the instinct isn't as strong, and it gets muddied with all of my other feelings of self-doubt, which makes the instinct more difficult to identify.

Oh yeah, and I remembered a dream. I was riding in a car with a friend, and I heard a strange noise. I looked in the back seat, and someone had put a baby in the car. I reached and picked it up as it started crying and I tried to comfort it. The baby's eyes were changing color, and it could actually talk. I tried to comfort it and find out where it's mother was, but I woke up shortly after the conversation started.

Commentary: Weird. (And no, this isn't any sort of prophetic dream; most of my friends are going through the "having a baby" stage.)

Day 7

2008-03-28T09:27:00.004-04:00

Dream: I had a dream that I was on a cruise with some random dreamland friends. We docked in an inlet where there was room for multiple cruise liners, but ours was the first ship there. When we disembarked, we walked on a narrow a wooden pathway with high rails to prevent you from falling into the water. This walkway also bridged over docks. The weather was warm, but I'm not sure if it was actually a tropical locale. Plants and flower pots were everywhere, even along the narrow walkway. At one point, when the walkway made a 90-degree turn to become parallel to the dirt walkway on land, I noticed a small cat sitting in the corner of that turn. What surprised me was that it didn't seem to mind the seemingly endless parade of feet that came perilously close to it. The cat was tortoise-shell-colored, so it was camouflaged very well in the shade of all the plants, but I was pleased to see it appear so inaffected by all the activity.

The only other thing I remember is trying to get back to my cabin, but being stuck on a deck on the ship where there was only one ramp where you could get to another level, and you could only go up. I was trying to go down, and couldn't find my way. Finally, I realized that in the time that passed when I was off the ship, other ships came into the port and I was actually on the wrong ship.

Commentary: Not sure about the significance of the cruise specifically, but I have been on several. The location felt like a place I wanted to be. Being unable to get where I wanted to go on the ship may be a way of pointing out that I've accepted the confines of my current "situation" when I should just hop off the ship and begin my new life.

Day 6

2008-03-27T09:16:00.005-04:00

I remember a few dreams from last night, but nothing that seems profound at the moment.

1. T won $2.5 million and said he would split it with me. One morning I got a call from him on my cell phone saying he won $2.5 million. I was outside, walking to my car, and somehow, I immediately knew that he won the money from a Bennigan's restaurant gamepiece, like what I saw two days ago in real life. I remember being glad he wanted to split it with me, but I struggled with what would be the right thing to do because I didn't want to take advantage of him and any feelings of obligation. We had a conversation about it, just like we do about everything, where he says something, and I question whether he's sure because he doesn't sound confident in his decision. Which then gets percieved as me not preferring whatever it is, and he starts to reconsider. Becuase I like ideals, I would want him to give me the money because he wants to, not because he feels obligated to. I need to stop trying to police others' reasons and judging whether or not they are "moral".

Commentary: This is probably just "inspired" by actual events like tearing the game piece only to find free mozzarella sticks (the grand prize was a trip for 2 to Ireland). And T is providing the court's filing fees for our divorce papers, so I could just be feeling guilty about some things.

2. I was working with R on designing new business cards for the company. In real life, R recently transferred to my company's marketing department, and in my dream, he ran a business card design by me. I excitedly tore it apart, offering design-savvy suggestions and feeling very confident about my contributions. I remember quite a lot of detail about the actual design that was presented to me as well as my suggestions.

Commentary: I've recently offered my services to help a local business-owner by picking up the pieces from another graphic designer to have a store-front sign made. Add to that the fact that at my job, I still haven't gotten "on a roll" in my new position, and I'm starting to question how good a fit it is.

3. I talked with a man from Oklahoma at a Jeopardy studio audience in Valley Forge, PA. I was walking with a group of people in Valley Forge Park. The group was stretched out, and a man from Oklahoma was walking next to me and we started talking. He asked me questions about me, but I had a hard time talking to him because he kept walking ahead of me. (Which is very weird because I walk fast and usually have to slow down to not away from other people.) We entered an auditorium where there were seats on-stage for potential Jeopardy contestants, but this man and I were only loosely interested in playing along to answer questions, and had no desire to become contestants.

Commentary: I am going on a hike this Saturday with a group of people I've never met, and I do drive through Valley Forge Park every workday. I have no idea who the guy was, and I have no idea what triggered the Jeopardy game show.

Day 5 Self-acceptance

2008-03-26T14:31:00.007-04:00

For me, the first level self-acceptance was realizing that much of what I am is a result of my experience. This allowed me to redirect energy from self-criticism to self-evaluation and improvement.

After that, applying the understanding of what it meant to not be perfect granted me the same rights as everyone else to live imperfectly, without self-induced punishment. (Barring abuse of these rights, of course.)

Once enough time passed, my way of thinking shifted to a more self-accepting perspective. I realized that since I could not change the past, I could not change the effect it has had on me, and therefore they way I am. At the same time, I have the freedom to make choices that affect me now and in the future. Since I am imperfect, I can only try to make the best choices in any given situation; and if hindsight suggests it may not have been the best choice, it's not reasonable to actually make that assumption.

Interestingly, I've applied these levels of acceptance to other people, and it's been difficult applying them to myself. This is also the case with a new level of acceptance (that I will get to in a minute), but there also seems to be a merge point between self-acceptance and my fear of judgment.

I have struggled to remember that others' judgments are meaningless in the grand scheme of things. I think one reason for this is that my Ego likes to be validated, which is the result of being judged positively - being accepted. But what good is it to be accepted, if it's meaningless?

Although an amazing chain of events occured to mentally bring me to this point, the catalyst was a quote,"It's better to be hated for what you are than loved for what you're not." So, my next level of self-acceptance is to identify those judgments that DO matter... my own.

I appreciate other people for what they are, but for myself, I concentrate on what I'm not, which is counter-productive. In that vein, if I apply to myself what I apply to others, I will be more self-accepting.

Day 4

2008-03-25T22:18:00.003-04:00

I don't have any dreams or general topics of spirituality to discuss, but my day was filled with enjoyable moments, which are worthy of reflection and gratitude.

Tasty coffee in the morning.*
Lunch with a friend, during which we had good food and interesting conversation.
I received a vase of ten daffodils, like all the women in my office, from a male manager above them.
I left my comfort zone to talk to someone in the office I had seen at the gym when I go to play racquetball (and survived!)
I played racquetball.
I had an enjoyable dinner with a friend and drove them home after dropping off their car for service.
I was able to help another friend with a logo for her business.
And I'm writing about all of it, which for some reason, is enjoyable...

* Some say it's an addiction and therefore bad. To me it is more a ritual of doing something for myself, as I drive into an office to do hours and hours of work for someone else. There I go justifying myself. :)

Justification

2008-03-24T22:22:00.004-04:00

I (loosely) participated in a good group discussion about the Ego, but my example didn't occur to me until I got home. I say loosely because my only contribution was the idea of fearing judgment. Even though my EGO likes to believe I'm above it, this fear actually does has a HUGE effect on me sometimes. Yet, I think a significant manifestation of my ego is my knee-jerk reaction to justify myself. An example (a very relevant one, I think) would be religion.

We all judge others on some level and I try my best not to judge unfairly. I admitted to being a little anxious, so I hope what I write is taken in the spirit in which it's intended.

It was made clear tonight that at least a couple members of the discussion group are Christians. Anyone who knows me or has read my previous post probably knows I do not consider myself to be Christian. I'm embarrassed to admit that immediately, if for only a moment, I wrote-off the possibility of future gatherings with this group because if this. Not because I would not accept them, but because I feared that as soon as they found out I wasn't a Christian, they wouldn't accept me.

[Now, I know this is illogical, but I've seen stranger things happen. AND being this open and honest demonstrates my faith that they are reasonable.]

I followed a minivan all the way home with a couple bumper stickers, "Who would Jesus bomb?" and "God bless everyone. No exeptions." I didn't really think anything of it, but it prompted me to consider what not being Christian means to me, which is what resulted in that ridiculous internal dialog. The first answer that comes to mind is that I feel I need to justify myself. Because I don't follow a specific religion, I'm somehow not as worthy of the great things life has to offer. Again, yes, I know... ridiculous. But I think that's Ego-driven.

Anyway, this is only a post about self-observance, which supports my idea of focusing on my spirituality, and is not meant to make any judgments on Christianity or the friendly people from the discussion group. :)

Day 3

2008-03-24T14:31:00.004-04:00

No memory of dreams today. So, I guess I should ruminate on my other focus. Keep in mind that I tend to understand things better from a top-down perspective, so we'll start with general concepts (which is pretty much all I have at the moment) and become more detailed as things become clearer.

How do I define my spirituality?

My spirituality is my recognition, acceptance, and alignment with my soul's true expression. My soul's true expression is a state free of ego (and therefore conditioning), where there is no separation between my "authentic self" and the Universe. In another word, Enlightenment.

I'm under no supposition that I will achieve Enlightenment in my lifetime, but I believe that through developing my spirituality, I will be able to make the most of the time I have.

Recognition
Knowing borne from stillness, serendipitous "messages from the Universe", gut feelings, and the like, come to the mind from within - where our soul's are connected to all. Recognition of these as things by which use of the mind shall manifest is a valuable lesson in finding my path.

Acceptance
Trust is faith is knowing is acceptance. To use a positive analogy, when you trust a friend, you have faith in them. You know they will come through for you, which is an acceptance of a truth. (Pure logicians out there are suffering brain hemorrhages right now.)

"What I recognized, is truth."

Alignment
Once I have recognized and accepted the truth from within, my actions and expressions must align with that truth in order to be authentic.

I'm reminded of one quality described by Suze Orman as that of a wealthy woman. Harmony and Balance. Simply put, harmony within yourself is reached when what you think, feel, say, and do, are the same.

It is that harmony with the Universe that ultimately merges into one, with Enlightenment.

Day 2

2008-03-23T18:55:00.001-04:00

Happy Easter.

I awoke this morning at 9am, after sleeping for 27 of the previous 32 hours. There are numerous possible causes, but since I really don't know which one, I'm not going to bother speculating. There were some weird dreams, though. Well, I guess it would be one drawn-out morphing type dream. And, unfortunately, I didn't get a chance to write about it earlier, so much of memory has faded.

Although I normally patronize Irish Joe's for Sunday breakfast, they were closed today so I went to La Creperie. The food was good, and I was entertained at the counter by a couple of the waitresses, Jill and Monica. I wasn't sure what I was going to do today, but I ended up setting up my "office" upstairs, which until this morning, I had no idea how to go about it. Yet, all of a sudden, a new arrangement came to me, and I've been enjoying it all day as I pass by. All I need is a lamp of some sort and a three-prong extension cord, and I will be golden.

It's Easter... and spiritually, I have nothing. On to the dream...

Dream: What I remember involves playing in a band without knowing how to play any of the instruments. Kinda like the band felt sorry for me, so I was part of the band without actually playing anything. Anyway, I'm outside at night, the only light around was amber-colored streetlights. A man and a woman walk up to me and start asking me questions about what I do in the band. The man was older and wore an overcoat and a hat. He didn't say anything. The woman was younger, maybe close to my age. She was pretty, with long, blond hair, and was wearing what looked like a faded, light yellow graphic tee with the drawing of a tree of some sort. The leaves on the tree were little hearts. The woman asked me questions and I explained my situation in great detail as we went through each instrument. Afterward she seemed to understand, and she offered to help me. I came to the revelation that I could help support the band by designing a logo, fliers, etc.

I went to my bedroom in some house to grab some belongings and return to the woman, and my Father comes in to find out what I'm doing. I think I was hoping to leave without him and my Mom noticing, but since he intersected me, I anticipated resistance and became immediately emotional. Lo and behold, the Universe was there for me however, as my Dad was wearing a t-shirt with the same design as the woman. I explained that I was going to get help, and I knew it was a good thing because she was wearing the same design on her shirt. I specifically remember pointing to the graphic on his shirt, which was pretty much eye-level as he is 6'4". I remember being very excited.

That's all I can remember coherently enough to write about. At some point, I was lying on a bed talking with my friend D, but I no longer remember details of what we were talking about.

Day 1

2008-03-22T16:30:00.001-04:00

I'm not feeling very rested today, and I hadn't had much time to plan what I want to do before T called about me going to the house to pick up some more of my stuff. I went along with the idea as I had nothing else pressing. The most productive thing I did was drop off our bicycles for their annual tune-ups. I had zero energy and didn't end up taking any stuff home, but I did spend some time over there organizing/separating out some of my stuff for when I do.

Anyway, no spiritual stuff today, but I do remember some dreams...

Dream 1: I'm at a tennis tournament, and although I went on my own, I separately ran across friends. Most of my focus was on finding a good seat, and I didn't really know who was playing. Also, it was outside, in the rain. But, it wasn't too bad because in dreamland, although it was a little chilly, the rain felt warm, and you never really got wet; you could feel the rain hitting you, but it would quickly evaporate. At one point I sat next to N who told me I was breathing loud. Later, I sat next to R with my camera and laptop. As soon as decided to put my camera away, a great photo-op occurred so I missed it. Then it was dark and I was confused as to why my laptop was emitting so much light even though it was closed. (I think that in real life, I was annoyed at the light coming into my room. Yes, I slept in late; I was up late.) At some point, I moved toward the rear of the stands where there was an unattended snack bar.

Dream 2: I was lying in bed with one of my cats, Majik, and he was chewing on something (as he often does). I had to pat the covers down to see what he was doing, and he had the dangerous end of a large feather in his mouth. I went to pull it out of his mouth gently, but it turned out to be a REALLY long feather, and was down his throat. When it came out entirely, there was blood on it. Then the phone rang. (Telemarketer in real-life.)

Dream 3: Ever since I moved into my place, I have wanted to do something about the curtains on my windows because too much light comes in. In my dream, there were also blinds on the windows, and I had just discovered them after 3 months and felt like an idiot.

100 Days of Peace

2008-03-21T17:21:00.003-04:00

OK, I'll play.

I want to discover what is missing.
I want to discover who I really am by tossing aside the conditioning that doesn't align with my spirit's true expression.

Aside from my regular personality work, which a lot of this blog has been dedicated to already, I think dreams and spirituality are good places for me to focus on these next 100 days.

Let's see what happens.

What I like about me

2008-03-14T11:07:00.001-04:00

Those who know me understand that I tend to have a less than positive opinion of myself due to my ruthless inner critic. Although I have made headway in redirecting that energy, there is still a lot conditioning that has to be recognized as such and discarded in order for my authentic self to emerge and truly participate in, and contribute to, life.

Those who don't know me but have seen my blog may come to a similar conclusion, as although there is a positive direction to my efforts, I've noticed that most of my focus has been on my weaknesses and flaws. Although I have to look at them in order to change, the extent to which I'm doing so may contribute to my unbalanced view of myself.

In that vein, and not to be vain, I use this post, on this 35th anniversary of my birth, to acknowledge the things that I like about myself.

I...

enjoy nature; tress, animals, bugs, etc.
cherish moments.
notice details.
have much capacity for love.
want to help.
see opportunities for improvement, but want to stay true to what is right.
assume people mean well.
can be intense.
usually pick up subtle hints.
like to solve problems.

My world is shrinking

2008-03-13T09:05:00.000-04:00

Some have chosen the "other side". Some have fallen off the face of the Earth. Some have had their own worlds change so much that their focus is elsewhere.

One by one, I am losing the relationships that I thought would last forever.

But I've not lost all hope. My world will re-emerge eventually, perhaps in a different dimension, and it will be much different (better) this time.

~~~~~~~

The "Black Hole" art that accompanies this post was created by Sven Geier, and supplied on a gallery page of his web site brought to me by a Google Images search. Pretty cool. :)

My relationship with money

2008-03-12T17:17:00.000-04:00

I realized recently that my relationship with money is dysfunctional. Plus, it's mixed in with my sense of self-worth, which is obviously messed up.

I need to become more aware of what my money can do for me, and make sure that I make the best decisions I can on ways to take care of it. So in the end, it will take care of me.

As I become more knowledgeable and confident around my financial decisions, perhaps the entanglement of self-worth will unravel a bit so that I can recognize my true worth.

Sensitivity

2008-03-11T14:02:00.000-04:00

Some days I feel people are too sensitive, and other days I feel that people are not respectful enough. In general, I think much effort is misplaced on using politically correct language than actually becoming knowledgeable about unfamiliar aspects of the world and the people in it.

Personal traps

2008-03-10T15:50:00.004-04:00

Someone told me today that I was being impatient and defensive. Funny thing is, I saw it coming, but seemed to offend when I tried to end the conversation, so the inevitable occurred. At any rate, I appreciated the honesty and simply replied that I didn't mean to be. (Wow, I've come a long way; but I still have a long way to go.)

Anyway, this got me thinking about traps I fall into and in some cases, the logic that allows me to escape their grasp. Many of these are sub-types of over-thinking things, but deserve individual mention. And as a disclaimer, yes, I know a lot of these are obvious to many, and it may even sound silly that I am talking about them, but it's my blog, and I can say what I want. :)

Trap #1: It was something I did. Although I have the best intentions and try only to say and do what is honest, yet considerate, there are still times I miss the mark. But, more times than not, I place an over-importance of myself in a given situation, and find that there are plenty of other things that affect someone more than little old me.

Trap #2: Being defensive. Believe it or not, until today, I didn't see the difference between being defensive and simply being argumentative. I may not have it completely right, but my new persective on being defensive is the reaction I have when I'm told something that I interpret as being told that I am wrong. For example, imagine I said I wanted to play more tennis and someone told me to join a league. An honest and considerate answer would be: "I have thought of that, but it's not really feasible for me because of my skill level, fees, and so on."An argumentative response would be, "that wouldn't work." A defensive answer would be, "But I can't because I'm not skilled enough and it would cost to much money and I don't know of any leagues anyway." It might not be the best example, but I'm often told that it's the tone of my responses, too.

Trap #3: Being overcritical of others. I expect others to live up to my unreasonable standard of behavior. This is (at least) a two-fold issue. So, I just try to remember that each person is responsible for themselves, and it's not really possible for me to apply my standards on them because they are not me, and have different lives.

Trap #4: Scorched earth. The most dangerous trap for me as it can cause me to unnecessarily sabotage things. It's quite silly from a logical point of view, but if one aspect of something is not right and can't be made right, the entire thing is worthless and should be discarded. The only thing that saves me from this is to just be aware of my thoughts and try to apply logic to them before I do anything I'd regret.

I know I need to lighten up. My Mom has been saying that to me for YEARS.

If only I could neutralize my ego...

Tennis season begins

2008-03-09T21:47:00.002-04:00

It felt so good to be on the tennis court today. I attended a meetup at the Southampton Tennis Club and played on clay courts for the first time. Not only did I have to shake off the rust of not playing all winter, I had to readjust from racquetball. I'm still playing that too, so maybe the transition back and forth will be easier after doing more often. The clay surface was definitely different; unfortunately, I didn't get comfortable with it to the point where I could slide much.

I met some nice people, but I don't expect to see them again until another meetup as none live near me. But, you never know.

Sense of humor

2008-03-07T11:22:00.001-05:00

I have one. I can crack myself up.

However, it's a connection mechanism only when there is a common sense of humor. I also believe this is one of those areas that most visibly reflects childhood experience; whether a person grew up in laid back or controlling atmosphere, and how much exposure to laughter there was.

I don't laugh much. I think (hope) it's because of my current situation of adjustment as I can remember a time when I was more joyous. I hope to find joy again.

I'm not like her.

2008-03-06T02:02:00.003-05:00

I don't have the outspoken demeanor that exudes confidence and says "hey everybody, I'm cool, and I'll talk to you if you're cool." I don't have her youth. I don't have her hair (don't get me started). He likes her. Not me. I understand that it doesn't mean anything - I really do. I just don't like it. I really, really don't.

Intelligence

2008-03-04T15:11:00.002-05:00

I see intelligence as the ability to learn and apply what has been learned. It is not the same as knowing facts, although the number of facts someone knows can contribute to their intelligence depending on how those facts are applied.
The paradox is that the more you know, the less you know; and this knowledge, applied is intelligence.

Yarn

2008-03-04T15:06:00.004-05:00

I am a strand of yarn. There are many fibers that make up my being. I can be separate, or twisted or braided with other strands. I can also support a network, like something crocheted, intersecting with different strands at different points. I can be strong or I can be frayed.

Transition

2008-03-03T13:07:00.006-05:00

How am I doing? It depends on the day. Or the hour. Or the minute. But always, I am fortunate.

My living space is more than adequate on a functional level, but not so much on an aesthetic level. I won’t say aesthetics are unimportant overall, but at this stage in my life, in terms of my living space, they are a very low priority. Being practical is natural for me, so I’d say my adjustment to the roughness of my living space is complete. I no longer notice the things that others would probably turn up their noses at.

I can’t say as much for the other areas of adjustment, but they are progressing in the only way they can. (Not all are bad. However, I hesitate to sing the praises of being solitary out of respect for the effect this has had on the counterpart of this separation.)

On my way into work this morning, as I was driving through Valley Forge National Park, I happened to be thinking about what it feels like to be in love, and whether it was worth the inevitable heartache. Is that feeling of being in love so rare, that I shouldn't reject it? And at the moment I posed that question, I saw a red fox. As if the universe said, "Yes, it is that rare."

New Chapter

2007-12-22T08:30:00.000-05:00

I'm moving into my own place today.
The complexity of emotions is extreme, but it is the right thing.

I'd write more, but I have work to do.

Welcome…

2007-11-05T16:04:00.001-05:00

…Ian, to the world.
…Mark and Amanda, to parenthood.

The world is now a different place to the new Miles family and those close to them. In addition to all the love, happiness, and health for this new family, I have the following message for Ian:

Each person lives in their own, unique version of the world. Even though they overlap with others’, yours is your own. You are the most important thing in your world, for without you, it ceases to exist. You will receive many things as you grow, in many forms; some good and some bad. It is extremely important to understand your world as most things are what you make of them. Use them to discover the meaning of your life and live it fully.

Comparing

2007-09-28T15:37:00.000-04:00

In general, it is rarely helpful to compare yourself to others, usually because a value is attached to the characteristic. Some general thoughts that can arise out of comparing yourself to others are:

“That person is more attractive than me.” How attractive someone is depends on the observer. A person may be attractive to some and not others. And yes, people are shallow – some more than others. The less shallow someone is, the more characteristics can influence how attractive someone is to them, in either direction; making someone more or less attractive to them. So yes, looks can matter to some extent, but there are too many variables to be able to make an objective assessment on whether someone is definitively attractive or not.
“I’m not as smart as that person.” Similar to there being variables in assessing someone’s attractiveness to another, people have different definitions of what it means to be intelligent. But, let’s be honest. This statement is super-general, and assuming that you are a reasonable person, you would be saying this as an emotional expression. Either to berate yourself and direct blame (probably incorrectly) on yourself, or even help you feel better by justifying a certain outcome. It might help to figure out what made you feel this way, and determine whether the cause really is a measure of intelligence. Most likely, it will not, but it will probably reflect a reasonable outcome of a situation based on all the relevant details, however inconvenient. My general definition of intelligence includes a person’s ability to solve problems, learn from their mistakes, and be able to consider multiple perspectives of a particular idea. Making mistakes alone doesn’t mean you’re stupid. If it did, everyone would be either stupid or perfect… and nobody’s perfect.
“That person’s better than me,” or “I’m not good enough.” There are usually multiple perspectives that would simultaneously deem someone “good” or “bad” in a given situation and they will likely change as the situation changes. If I’ve done two things in my entire life, one you see as good and one you see as bad (to an equal degree), am I a good person or a bad person? Does it depend on my intent? The result? Who it affected and how? Is it even possible to completely know all of these answers? Even if it was, it’s possible that everyone else would disagree with your position. Again, given the probable emotional state in which this thought occurs, it might help to look at what triggered this thought. Also, it’s impossible to know every aspect of another person, whether it’s a stranger or someone you know very well. I’m more likely to see strangers (or someone I don’t know very well) as unjustly good or bad because my judgment is based on limited observation and whatever ingrained biases I have, whereas I have a more accurate assessment of those I know better, since I know them better.

These are very general examples, but ways to address them can be applied to more specific ones. The overarching point is that making comparisons typically has a negative affect on self-esteem and confidence because a value is arbitrarily applied to something that doesn’t really matter. So, it’s best to avoid comparing yourself with others unless you can do it without attaching value to whatever characteristic you are comparing. In addition, these thoughts are usually an effect of some emotion, and figuring out the emotion that is being expressed by the thought and what it’s caused by will help you determine the root cause of the issue. For example, perhaps you are feeling frustration… caused by what? An unmet expectation? (see post on “Expectations”) Unreasonably high standards for yourself (perfection)? (see post on how I “Learned to Embrace Imperfection”)

If your thoughts tend to be of the opposite variety, i.e., “I’m more attractive/smarter/better than that person”, it can bolster your confidence, which can be useful at times. However, if comparing yourself to others is the primary source of self-esteem, it is an unreliable method because it doesn’t really mean anything, and in a sense you are relying on others. It might also indicate insecurity, which, depending on your personality, can manifest in an aggressive, defensive, and/or passive aggressive attitude.

Judgment

2007-09-28T15:36:00.001-04:00

Judgment is another one of those human things (such as selfishness) that gets a bad rap. It’s how we carry out our judgments that matter; not the fact that we make them. Even without consciously acting a certain way, the way you think about your judgments can affect your feelings, or someone else’s, so it’s important to be aware of them.

I’m more likely to see strangers (or someone I don’t know very well) as unjustly good or bad because my judgment is based on limited observation and whatever ingrained biases I have, whereas I have a more accurate assessment of those I know better, since I know them better. I try to keep this in mind as I’m judged by others.

Insecurity

2007-09-28T15:34:00.000-04:00

Depending on your personality, insecurity often manifests in an aggressive, defensive, or passive aggressive attitude. I’m not as insecure as I used to be, but I can see that it is often the cause of my defensiveness, which makes sense when you consider that being falsely accused of doing something bad is a major paranoia of mine. Despite my familiarity with insecurity, I admit I have difficulty knowing the best way to respond to others’ insecurity, especially aggressive manifestations.

My natural inclination to reason with an aggressively insecure person is definitely not the answer. In fact, I think it might make things worse. So, unfortunately I have no insight other than something that doesn’t work, but if I do, I’ll put it here.

(Linked from Comparing)

Selfishness

2007-09-24T15:34:00.000-04:00

For something that is definitively human, selfishness gets a pretty bad rap. It’s not our selfish nature that deserves the scrutiny, but the way we express it. We are taught it is bad to be selfish, but that’s like saying it’s bad to experience happiness. Knowing what your “self” enjoys makes it easier to experience happiness. It only becomes tricky and dangerous when it involves other people, especially when there are differing ideas on the right and wrong ways are of expressing our selfish nature, which can change depending on the situation.
Some characteristics that can contribute to a person’s definition of a “wrong” selfish expression are those that:

Seem contrary to relative history, or routine, based on expectations that have developed over time. Expectations cause many problems, but are necessary to some degree. My advice in situations like this are to admit that there is an expectation, and allow a discussion of intent. Usually it will be discovered that the “offender” didn’t intend to exploit the expectation, and the expectation itself should be examined to determine how reasonable it is.
Leave someone feeling rejected and therefore unfairly judged or criticized (see "Rejection" post)
Don’t follow the “put others first” philosophy. The practice of putting others first is a way to express respect. (Emphasis on a way; meaning if an action isn’t consistent with this practice, it shouldn’t be interpreted as a disrespect.) If not putting others first is seen as selfishness, then it is an expectation. Although there are situations where expectations are justifiable, it is usually unreasonable to expect a specific expression of respect. A lack of courtesy is not discourteous, but a discourteous act, is. Therefore, not putting others first can be considered selfish, but it is not inherently offensive unless that is the intent.

My general point is that everyone is selfish, and it cannot be held against anyone any more than having a head. If someone disregards another person’s rights or otherwise intends to cause them mental or physical discomfort or harm, then it is an inappropriate expression of selfishness.

If you are hurt or offended because you think someone is being selfish, I suggest that you first determine whether that person intended to hurt or offend you. More than likely, the answer will be no, in which case you should determine why you feel hurt or offended.

If they failed to meet an expectation, determine whether the expecation was reasonable. (This may require discussion).
If you think they are judging or criticizing you, say so and let the other person explain their intent.
If you think they aren’t following your philosophy about putting others first, consider that different people have different philosophies, and follow them to different degrees. Unless it’s evident, it’s usually not reasonable to assume that inaction is intended to be a negative expression.

(Posts that link to this one: “Rejection”)

Rejection

2007-09-24T15:31:00.000-04:00

Rejection (in a social context) isn’t always rejection. At least my take is that if you’re not chosen for something, it’s not necessarily because you’re not smart, attractive, cool, or whatever enough. Things change from moment to moment, and so do people’s moods and preferences. For example, if I want to spend time alone during a weekend afternoon, and decline when a friend calls me to do something, it simply means that based on whatever situation I’m in, I would prefer to be alone. Whether it’s because there are chores I want to do, hobbies I want to pursue, feel I need a mental break free of interaction, or any other possible reason, it doesn’t mean I’m rejecting my friend. Rather, it means I’m choosing something else.

For those who think in black and white and claim that not choosing something is rejecting it, I offer this analogy. Say you generally like the taste of popcorn. When you eat something else, it doesn’t mean that you don’t like popcorn. You probably like many foods, but at different times you prefer the taste of different things. Further, when you’re not eating anything, it doesn’t mean you don’t like any food.

So, if you feel rejected by a friend for reasons not evident, it may help to look at it from the perspective that no one can be everything for another, and each person has a variety of things they like to do and people they like to spend their time with. Just like you enjoy a variety of food.

Some challenges to dealing with feelings of rejection might be a sense of relative unimportance (comparing yourself to others) or that the other person is being selfish.

(Posts that link to this one: “On the path to happiness”.)

Skyward

2007-09-06T10:09:00.000-04:00

I've heard that hang gliding is the purest form of flight attainable by a human.

Once you have tasted flight you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you long to return.
- Leonardo DaVinci

From the moment this opportunity landed in my lap, to buying the t-shirt, this felt so natural and right.

A couple months ago, I joined a conversation with a couple of people remarking about a skydiving certificate that was decorating (an unoccupied) cubicle next to mine, because I have skydived before. Someone brought up hang gliding, and it occurred to me that I had also wanted to try that for a long time, although I hadn’t thought about it in a few years. I only had enough free time in my workday to determine that the closest place I could learn was in Maryland. On my way out of the office THAT DAY, I stopped to ask someone a question about tennis, which led to a spontaneous invitation to go hang gliding in Maryland on Labor Day. If I hesitated at all in answering it was because I was stunned at the coincidence

For as long as I can remember, I've been interested in flying. I've had several "one-off" adventures, such as taking the yoke of a 4-seater prop, skydiving, and bungee jumping, but hang gliding was the best so far.

Once I made it successfully to Highland Aerosports that Monday morning (thanks to Tom for giving me directions over the cell phone after I got lost somehow), I felt like I belonged, despite it being my first time there, without knowing anyone. I had no expectations as I met up with a friend who was there with another group. After filling out a couple pages of legal forms, I calmly waited and watched other people being towed up in their gliders, flying, and landing, and hearing about their experiences.

I was last in the group to fly, and my instructor, Adam, explained some of the basics before we climbed into the harnesses. Once we were secured, he went over flight control basics before taking off. Once the “tug” (ultralight plane that tows the glider) began to take flight, I didn’t feel strange or even excited. I was in the moment, watching the distance grow between me and Earth. When we were at about 2500 feet, Adam released the towline. The noise stopped. The wind stopped. We stopped…or it seemed.

We were free. Free to feel the air, go this way or that, and be. Although I was inexperienced, controlling the glider felt very natural, and it was easy to maneuver. Adam let me stall the glider (with direction), and gave me some “targets” to fly toward. Near the end of the flight, he offered to do some aerobatics and we climbed, dove, and banked. After the smooth landing, he asked me if I had any questions, and I had one: “Can I go again?” I’m scheduled to continue my lessons in October, but that will probably be the last time before the close for the season in mid-November.

(more hang gliding pics)

US Open: Afterword

2007-09-02T00:09:00.001-04:00

A train… another train… a friend… a subway… another subway.

The morning sun was shining and the temperature was comfortably warm. I walked along a tree-lined path to the line where I was to meet a friend who was a long-time US Open veteran. I found myself wondering things about the other people in line, some of which I could deduce from observation… was this their first time visiting the Open? Did they come from far away? Were they there with friends or family? Who were they there to see?

It was strange not having any idea what to expect, but since I would have the benefit of a friend’s experience, I was able to enjoy that feeling. Three of us met up, and when the gates opened, we ran (or jogged, depending on who you ask) to the grandstand.

Then I was there. At a tennis court at the US Open. It took a little time for me to realize where I was, after processing the unfamiliarity and anticipation of what would be my deepest immersion into tennis, to date. Eventually, the realization set in, but part of me was still amazed that I was there. Fortunately, there was time before the first match and we were there early enough to get good seats.

So began my US Open experience.

I’m not able to adequately describe my experience over the two days I was there. It was fun, exciting, and I was amazed by many things. I learned things I can use the next time I go, and as well as things I was able to use on the court. Saying that being there in-person adds an entire dimension feels like an understatement.

Needless to say, by the end, I decided that I definitely want to go back.

For reference, here is a list of the matches that I watched partially or entirely (13 total):

Thursday (day 4)

Men's Singles - 2nd Rnd. - Andy Murray (GBR)[19] def Jonas Bjorkman (SWE) 5-7 6-3 6-1 4-6 6-1
Women's Singles - 2nd Rnd. - Patty Schnyder (SUI)[11] def Severine Bremond (FRA) 6-3 6-0
Women's Singles - 2nd Rnd. - Victoria Azarenka (BLR) def Dominika Cibulkova (SVK) 6-2 6-2
Women's Singles - 2nd Rnd. - Maria Kirilenko (RUS) def Katarina Srebotnik (SLO)[22] 6-4 6-3
Men's Singles - 2nd Rnd. - Sebastien Grosjean (FRA) def Max Mirnyi (BLR) 6-4 6-7(6) 6-4 6-3
Men's Singles - 2nd Rnd. - Tommy Haas (GER)[10] def Philipp Petzschner (GER) 4-6 6-3 6-2 7-5
Mixed Doubles - 1st Rnd. - Victoria Azarenka (BLR)/Max Mirnyi (BLR) def Lisa Raymond (USA)[1]/Nenad Zimonjic (SRB)[1] 6-7(6) 6-3 [10-3]

Friday (day 5)

Women's Singles - 3rd Rnd. - Dinara Safina (RUS)[15] def Ahsha Rolle (USA) 6-4 6-3
Men's Singles - 2nd Rnd. - Stanislas Wawrinka (SUI) def Marat Safin (RUS)[25] 6-3 6-3 6-3
Men's Singles - 2nd Rnd. - Robby Ginepri (USA) def Teimuraz Gabashvili (RUS) 6-2 6-3 6-1*
Women's Singles - 3rd Rnd. - Jelena Jankovic (SRB)[3] def Alize Cornet (FRA) 4-6 6-2 6-3
Men's Doubles - 2nd Rnd. - Lukas Dlouhy (CZE)[9]/Pavel Vizner (CZE)[9] def Teimuraz Gabashvili (RUS)/Ivo Karlovic (CRO) 6-4 7-6(5)
Men's Singles - 2nd Rnd.
Agustin Calleri (ARG) def Lleyton Hewitt (AUS)[16] 4-6 6-4 6-4 6-2

* Pictured ball came from this match. (more US Open pics)

US Open: Prologue

2007-08-29T14:46:00.000-04:00

I'm about to embark on an adventure which I suspect will be made more enjoyable by the work I've been doing: two days at the tennis US Open, my first time watching live, professional tennis.

I have no expectations. I've had a non-attached perspective to this trip, which was made evident when other people started telling/asking me about how excited I am about it. I hadn't really been thinking about it that much, which has allowed me to avoid the unpleasant limbo of not being in the present because I'm focused on what is to come, and enjoy a more even-keel mood. Since I don't really have an expectation, I expect that I will "go with the flow."

I am confident. Three words: New York subway. (First time on my own.)

I am self-reliant. This entire trip is my decision. Not to downplay the support I've received from friends, it would be entirely different without it. But nonetheless, I saw an opportunity to do something I wanted to do and I'm doing it. It's not a big deal, but I need to recognize that my decision to do this was completely independent from anyone else. No one asked me to go; I'm not going for anyone but myself. AND, I need to recognize that this is separate from how the trip actually turns out. There was a time that, if I took a trip like this and didn't enjoy myself, I would blame that outcome on the fact that I did it independently from others, and therefore shouldn't do it again.

I will enjoy the moment. A break from my "self-work," to be, and do.

I am doing this for me. I play tennis because it's fun. Not because I have a specific goal or feel any obligation. I enjoy watching tennis, but of course, it's not quite as fun as playing. ;) There was a time when I thought, "oh, I shouldn't go to a tennis tournament because I don't belong there. I don't know enough history of the sport, I don't know many of the players, and I'm not a good enough player, myself." But then I realized, I go to football games. I don't play football, and I don't even enjoy watching it all that much. My (il)logic broke down pretty quickly at that point.

As I may have eluded to before, tennis is the first sport I've enjoyed. Having only started a year ago, I may have "found my sport" later than most people. So what? From my perspective, tennis is my sport. Just because I don't have a long history with it doesn't mean I should downplay my enthusiasm or suppress any sense of belonging. However, it also doesn't necessarily mean that there is some connection to all other tennis fans. Which I state only to exemplify another generalization that's bad to make, not to point out a false motivating factor.

Delicious Defeat

2007-08-20T00:22:00.000-04:00

Being new to a sport I care about, nothing could have prepared me for the unexpected outcome of a competition. Experience is everything.

I was challenged to play a set of tennis, and lost 6-1. Although I would have liked to win, it wasn't a big deal for me because I didn't really have anything to lose. But the effect of losing so badly was one of the most emotionally confounding I've ever experienced. In fact, two days later, I'm still not sure how it's going to affect my outlook.

Is it time to set a goal? This can motivate my continued improvement, which will provide more enjoyment the better I play.

Should I just give up? I'm well past my prime, and there will be a limit to how well I can play. If it's not good enough, there's no reason to continue.

Or should I just linger somewhere in between, hitting a ball around with the couple of people who would do so? As with all things, this arrangement will come to an end, so I should enjoy it while I can.

I guess time will tell because the answer will only come after taking things day-by-day. I'll just go with the flow and play if I want, when I can. Now that I've had a small taste of the bad stuff, I'm more experienced than I was, for whatever that's worth.

My Blog's New Look

2007-08-17T23:13:00.000-04:00

I've further customized my blog which basically entailed picking a different Blogger template and replacing some images. And I needed help doing it, so I can't take all the credit. But, it looks more like I want it to, and that's what's important. I hope you like it, too. :)

On the Path to Happiness

2007-08-17T09:23:00.000-04:00

This is a living post that will be updated and linked as appropriate.

Current goals

Lessen the emotional (especially negative) effect others have on me
Maintain a more steady, even-keel emotional state
Be more self-reliant

Realizations

People can be fundamentally VERY different.
Comparing myself to others is detrimental.
Rejection isn’t always rejection.
I’m responsible for my own happiness.
Just because something is socially expected, that doesn’t mean it’s the best thing for me.

Processes

Self-acceptance
Grief of loss
Non-attachment

Accomplishments

Stopped seeking parental approval
Leaned to embrace imperfection

It Just Might Work

2007-08-14T13:59:00.000-04:00

Over the last few years, I’ve studied the Enneagram in an effort to learn more about myself and my interactions with others, because I believe that what I learn will help me become a happier person. I have also sporadically kept this blog for over a year, and today it dawned on me that it’s the most logical venue to chronicle my growth, going forward.

Relevant bits:

Grew up as an only child in a rural area.
Enneagram type, instictual variant, level of health: 1w2, sx/so/sp, many days 3-4
Parents’ Etype: Mom – 9; Dad – 8
Husband’s type: 9 (wings are close; suspect more 8 than 1)
MBTI: mostly ISFJ

Disclaimer: I will attempt to keep things as relevant as possible without implicating other people. It is never my intent to offend or hurt anyone. Also, nothing should be “read into” anything.

Test Ride

2007-08-01T14:24:00.000-04:00

I went on a 24-mile bike ride yesterday and I'm not ashamed to admit that I only made it all the way back on sheer will. My legs haven't been that tired in a long time, but I'm happy I did it. My longest ride before yesterday was 16 miles. I was interested in riding my bicycle to work once in a while, so this was also a "test ride," to determine whether the roads and trails I chose would be suitable.

Overall, it was a pleasant ride, the temperature was about 84 on the way out, and got down to 77 when I got back. It was starting to get dark and although out on the open road it wasn’t so bad, it was a little too dark in the shade to see well. I enjoyed sensing the sudden fluctuations in temperature as I ride through downdrafts, and the smell of different trees and plants was refreshing. Riding at sundown was a treat because I saw and heard things I wouldn’t have earlier in the day. In the last sliver of sunlight I saw numerous near-horizontal spider webs expertly spanning the distance between trees, like ephemeral hammocks. Frogs and crickets began their music to which the flights of fireflies seemed choreographed.

One

2007-07-21T11:38:00.000-04:00

Obsession Calm
Frustration Peace
Longing Bliss
Sorrow Forgiveness
Pressure Freedom

Dæmon

2007-07-12T09:06:00.000-04:00

I'm really looking forward to this movie. I'm glad they're keeping the dæmons. :)

Click on the link in the animation to give me your opinion of me. (It's anonymous, quick, and you don't have to register or anything.) Check out the website if you want to get your own.

A friend shared this story of the name Arion.

I bought tennis shoes

2007-06-23T10:22:00.000-04:00

A friend’s enthusiasm, a coincidence, and whim serendipitously merged into a moment that would bring happiness that I couldn’t have suspected. Having swatted at a fuzzy ball only a few times in my life, I lacked the basic knowledge of the game of tennis, therefore any real interest. Just recently, someone defined tennis as a game where two people hit a ball back and forth until someone misses, and although I cannot accept that as even the most basic explanation, there was I time when I could. Ironically, the person who said this enjoys watching Nascar, which is just a game where people drive in a circle until they crash into a wall. ;)

I started playing last summer (from not being able to keep the ball in the court), and I began tennis lessons this week, so it appears I’m committed on some level to improve my game. Perhaps it’s just my “interest of the week” considering how quickly I bounce from one thing to another, but I’m not going to let that stop me from enjoying it as if it’s something I’ll stick with for a long time. Next post: I'm a scuba diver!

Solo Trek

2007-05-11T10:33:00.000-04:00

Yesterday's 15-mile ride was my first solo trek. I covered new ground with the Audubon loop, riding across the Schuylkill River (along Rt. 422), and taking the bike loop in Valley Forge Park.

Valley Forge Park map (PDF):
http://www.nps.gov/vafo/planyourvisit/upload/park%20map.pdf

It was quite an enjoyable ride, and to be honest, part of the excitement was exploring new areas. I didn't look at a map ahead of time, and happened upon the bridge that crosses the river. I didn't know what was on the other side, but I knew there was only one way to find out. (Okay, I cross that bridge every day in my car, but I wasn't keen on mingling with traffic since I wasn't wearing a helmet and wanted to stick to bike paths.) As I was deciding to go across, another biker* approached me and asked how to get onto the bridge. I pointed out the way and followed him across. The bridge was interesting, as it is barely wide enough for two bikes to pass each other, and it felt precarious being wooden and high above the river. (Not to mention the cars zooming by just on the other side of a chain-link fence.) The guy met up with buddies on the other side, and I continued toward Valley Forge Park.

I entered Valley Forge Park near the Visitor Center and chose to go South for no particular reason. Mind you, it all makes sense now, but at the time I was just riding with the assumption that at some point I would either double-back or loop back around. I didn't want to double-back, but I didn't want to tire myself out, either. It turned out well though, because I eventually stopped for a map at Wayne's Woods and decided to finish the loop. So I made my way North, then turned back East. I had ridden 10 miles at the point where I passed the chapel. I was glad I went clockwise at that point because the last "leg" was beautiful. And since it went gradually downhill and relatively straight, I got up to 26.9 mph (had I been watching my speed instead of where I was going, surely I would have punched it up to 27).

I was charged from my adventures for the way back home, and arrived back at the car after a total of about 1.5 hours of pedaling. My bike computer doesn't include stops in the trip time, so actual time gone was probably closer to 2 hours. I definitely want to take that route again.

As I was loading my bike onto the car, a park ranger (nametag "D. Smith") asked me about my ride and explained the plans for widening the bridge that crosses 422 at Trooper Rd., and “re”building a bridge next to it. According to him, the second bridge (right next to the current bridge) will be a two-lane bridge open to vehicular traffic during rush hour only and restricted to bicycles/pedestrians the rest of the time. Also, they are going to add TWO lanes EACH WAY on the existing 422 bridge for a total of 4 lanes each way during rush hour. He said the timeframe was probably 4-5 years. You can also see where there was previously a bridge, indicated by the roads that dead-end where they reach the river, and possible pylon remains in the water.

* I used the term "biker" as opposed to "cyclist" to differentiate between mountain biking and road cycling. The person who approached me was clearly a mountain biker as he was covered in mud. And he was riding a mountain bike. :)

Best Birthday Ever

2007-03-22T15:52:00.000-04:00

Last Wednesday was a beautiful, sunny 72 degree day. This was the first year that daylight savings time changed earlier, so the day also offered more sunlight after work than those the week prior. It was the 34th anniversary of my birth.

Tom and I played tennis, I with my new tennis racquet he surprised me with on Tuesday.

We went out to dinner at my favorite Mexican restaurant, and I was surprised by four of my friends who were waiting for us. My friends are awesome. They even pitched in and bought me a new Trek 7200 hybrid bicycle! I just picked it up last night after getting it fitted and "souped up" with things like a computer to track speed, distance, etc.

We took the bikes out for a ride today. Then we played tennis. And it was wonderful.

It's about time we learn

2007-03-13T12:43:00.000-04:00

Each person is responsible for their own happiness.

Something isn’t best solely because it has always been done.

Change starts from within.

Identifying the best purpose for what initially seems undesirable will help us open our minds.

First and foremost, we have to be happy as individuals, alone—only then will intertwining our lives be fulfilling.

If we trust in and depend on ourselves, individually, to discover and provide for our needs and wants, we can depend on each other for support, without overburdening.

Authenticity

2006-10-30T10:55:00.000-05:00

Far too often have I taken cues from those around me to determine what I think, say, and do, rather than my own personal expression.

Therefore, I've been trying to figure out who I am and what I want. This is not a selfish quest any more than it's selfish for a tree to extend it's branches toward infinite sunlight and therefore provide oxygen to it's Earthly cohabitants, albeit a less than conscious effort.

How can I say to someone that I need to figure out who I am? Especially to someone who thinks they know? I've said that I want to "be me", but this implies that at times I'm not "me", which is absurd, since I'm obviously no one else but myself.

I think that my authentic self is buried under years of influence, and that all of the "issues" I'm trying to resolve in myself are just manifestations of incongruency between my authentic self and how my conscious mind, under consideration of external influence, has directed me. So, when I say I want to "be me", I'm saying that I want to shed the extra layers of expectation, fear, and self-judgment and doubt that strip me of my confidence that I'm thinking, doing, and saying what is true.

Perhaps then I will have something as purposeful as oxygen to offer those in my life.

Ungrounded

2006-10-27T13:25:00.000-04:00

Post assertions of lofty positive promises from Impetus, I have been uncomfortably ungrounded. In the beginning, it wasn't too bad. I was just disconnected, left with what little inertia remained from tentatively thrusting myself into feeling again. I tried to embrace the period of not being on a path, to be open to my spirit's true expression. However, after a bit of time, the cloudy veil started to lift, and I realized I was definitely not where I wanted to be. I imploded under the instant bombardment of questions. What does this mean? What do I do? Should I change? What should I change? How do I change? What are my options? What do I want? All of which had the same answer: I don't know.

My overarching sense was one of nakedness. Vulnerability. Many a blog post were started during this time, but none survived the collapse of aimlessness that seemed to permeate my every moment of existence. Thankfully, I wasn't (and am still not) hopeless, partly because I know that there is a process to re-evaluating and changing direction, and I've been working on my patience with myself. Also, I've been actively addressing some things that I knew needed attention, so haven't been completely without purpose.

I'm starting to consciously let go of my doubt and discomfort so that I can can receive the answers to my questions. Similar to the philosophy that you will only find what you're looking for once you stop looking. Mind you, this is all easier said than done. Instead of a graceful transition onto a more enlightened path, my natural tendency to rely on external forces results in anguish as I struggle between what I know and what I let myself believe. I have to contend with extreme characteristics from both ends of my personality to find the balance between my faith and my fear. Internal and external. Self and others.

Mantid

2006-09-25T10:51:00.000-04:00

A couple of weeks ago, one of my cats (Tiki), brought a praying mantis inside to play with. Fortunately, I noticed before any real harm came to the mantis, and was able to return him to the outdoors.

I believe the one pictured here is male, but that's only based on a childhood memory I have of reading that they were all green when young (nymphs), and as they matured, only the males would turn brown. However, since there are many species and therefore many colors of mantids, I'm not sure how accurate that bit of information is.

This visitor reminded me of my fondness for mantids. It reminded me about how excited I was to find them when I was young. I think they appealed to me mainly because they are relatively large and can move their heads (one of the few insects that can) so there is a connection as they follow your movement with their heads and eyes. Sometimes, I trapped them and provided houseflies so I could observe them prey on live insects. The speed at which they grab their victims and eat them is fascinating to watch. I also remember enjoying how they mimic leaves in a breeze as they sway back and forth on a branch.

After admiring this one, I carried it outside to one of my plants, and it kept flying onto me while I was trying to photograph it, but with some coaxing, it sat still enough for me to grab a couple of shots.

Felinity

2006-08-29T23:31:00.000-04:00

I feel great compassion for all animals, and don't like being labeled specifically like "cat person" or "dog person" because those types of labels connote a dislike of the rest as opposed to an increased appreciation of the one. That being said, this post is a tribute to the things I appreciate about cats, specifically those currently in my family and those who have passed. I had to take Majik to the animal hospital this morning for a urinary blockage; so far he is doing well, but I miss him already, and want to acknowledge what I appreciate about him and his kind.

I love falling victim to the "second- or third-kitty" syndrome as I end up napping after cuddling up to sleeping cat(s) in the middle of the day. I love the there's-no-place-I'd-rather-be look they make with their eyes. I love how soft they feel. I love their safe and tranquil purr.

A couple of weeks ago, I was sitting on our sofa next to my husband with Majik in my lap. We were both petting him, and he was returning our love in the form of trust, purrs, relaxation, and peace. While sitting there, I said "people who don't like cats have never experienced moments like this."

Trust

2006-08-07T18:09:00.000-04:00

I've always thought of myself as a trustworthy person, but pretty much took it for granted when people opened up to me. That was in college. I felt like the dorm counselor because so many people came to me for my perspective on things. Since then, being eschewed from the safe confines of educationland, I see how little people trust others. Granted, there are those who have an easier time at it, and I still fall into the end of the spectrum where I trust too easily.

My point is, as you wouldn't have been able to guess from the above paragraph, that being trusted is a gift. Especially from those at the more conservative end of the trusting spectrum. So, this post is a reminder of how feeling accepted, valued, and trusted shouldn't be taken for granted.

Pressure

2006-08-07T17:57:00.000-04:00

I was transported back into grade school Saturday when some friends came over to play tennis. I began to carry the level of confidence that comes with being one of those pathetic "last ones picked." I will always blame inability to physically perform under pressure for being picked last. (When there's no pressure, I'm often quite impressed with what I'm able to do.) And, despite how much I got yelled at by teachers and classmates when I missed a catch, kick, or throw, I believe the greatest pressure came from within myself.

So, even though there was no "picking" involved in playing doubles, points were. So if my partner maintained a good rally only for me to ruin it, I felt like I was letting the world down. This is not just the common disappointment most feel when they don't perform the way the mind says, but the unproportional kind that further degrades my self-image. Fortunately, this was all in my head, which means it's thoretically in my capacity to do something about it. The other good thing about it is that I'm (mostly) surrounded by people who don't contribute to the pressure, if not help reduce it, which is probably why I was able to see where the pressure comes from.

How I became this way is a whole other story.

If

2006-08-02T15:51:00.000-04:00

I recently re-read a recounting of my husband's car accident. Unlike last time, I didn't cry out with tears of rage, nor were the pangs of misplaced guilt as severe.

How can such little things have the power to change so much? A split second of time. A scoche of an inch. A two-letter word. If.

How can such a little word bring so much sorrow and pain, yet also so much hope and joy?
It partners with our choices and possibilities, and stays with us after the pieces fall.
It is what allows us, with time, to appreciate good fortune, heal from our wounds, and gain wisdom.

Before we were married, I asked him whether he would change anything in his past if he had the ability. I was upset when he said "not one thing", but eventually realized he had the wisdom to understand how such a little thing would change so much; and what would happen if he did go back and change one little thing?

Delight

2006-08-02T12:10:00.000-04:00

Okay, maybe this title would better serve a more agreeable experience, but hey--life's short, and there are many words.

Yesterday, upon opening my car door at the end of a work day, I noticed a tiny spider suspended in the center of the space in which I would be sitting. I gently sweeped my finger several inches above the spider to pick up it's silk and transfer it to a large tree that was closeby.

It's probably worth mentioning at this point that I'm generally comfortable around insects, at least until they are found crawling on me without my permission. (And I'm wary around stinging insects because I'm very allergic.)

As I watched the spider land on the tree, I noticed how the tree's bark was so perfectly, randomly segmented into a beautiful mosaic of puff-pastry-like layers of variegated browns and mottled, lichen greens. The trunk of the tree too large to close my arms around.

Just as I was turning away, I sensed movement on the bark. Upon closer inspection, a piece of bark was moving as if something were beneath it. Nay, it a piece of bark with legs!

I picked up some loose bark on the ground to urge it into a little bag I had to take it home and
investigate.

Delight? Sure! I'd never seen or heard of an insect like it! And I'm always amazed by nature's ingenuity, and this was definitely an example! Just the night before, I saw a television program
about animals that drastically transformed themselves through their lifecycle. This insect turned out to be a brown lacewing larvae; a.k.a. "Aphid Wolf", due to its beneficially carnivorous
nature, and "Trash Bug", due to its practice of attaching debris to its back, including carcasses of insect victims, to protect it from larger predators.

I set it loose among my plants because it will find food there until it makes a cocoon, and maybe I will see an adult lacewing someday.

Giddy

2006-07-24T11:50:00.000-04:00

I’m find that as I get older, there are fewer opportunities to feel giddy, therefore I try to truly cherish those moments. I went to an amusement park on Saturday with a friend who hasn’t been on a coaster in close to 10 years. She felt giddy after riding each of them. As a roller coaster enthusiast (meaning I ride a lot of coasters, a lot), those opportunites only come to me with a new coaster, and even then, only if it’s exciting.

Last night, I felt giddy. Tom and I went to see Monster House in digital 3D. We’ve seen digital, done well. We’ve seen 3D, done well. This was our first time with both together, done well. The initial amount of perceived space tickled me. It was done so well, that shortly into the movie, the third dimension felt natural. I leaned over and said, “there will come a time when this is no longer impressive.”

Oh, and I’m excited about getting my first real pair of dance shoes. They should arrive Wednesday, just in time for class. We’ll see if I’m still as giddy once I’m elevated 3”. :)

Patience

2006-07-23T20:42:00.000-04:00

…is a virtue I appreciate more each day. I have traditionally been an impatient person, although because I’m self-policing, a lot of my frustration has been “safely” squelched away, internally, so as not to appear unreasonable. Yeah, right. With an audible sigh, a scowl, and eyes to the sky, how could I appear patient? And furthermore, why try to appear to be something I’m not; can’t I just learn to be patient? I wonder how many people who appear to be patient are just better at acting.

The method I have been trying to use is to consider times in my own life when I’ve not approved of my behavior or words, and considering that someone else might be dealing with something similar. Whether it’s because I’m tired, moody, hungry, in pain, confused, worried, scared, overconfident, disrespectful, inconsiderate, lazy, selfish, jealous, defensive, upset, grieving, frustrated, helpless, ill, or in some otherwise affected state, my ability to be patient is compromised. Whether these are acceptable states of being is another post. We’re taking baby steps, here.

I think I’ve gotten a lot better with patience in recent past, but there was one major component I was missing: being patient with myself. I realized I needed to be patient with myself by necessity when went through a troubling experience. Not optimal, but the silver lining is that it led me to my next lesson, which I’m currently working through.

At what point does patience shift into tolerance, and how does one decide where to draw the line between not enough tolerance and too much?

Impetus

2006-07-21T10:28:00.000-04:00

Capture epiphanic moments of brilliance
Perpetuate positivity
Encourage self-realization
Foster inspiration
Play with words
Emerge

Yes, I'm jumping on the blog-bandwagon without knowing where it will go, but it always is about the journey, and these are some things I hope to do on the way.

Welcome to my blog.