Day 19

Dream: I was in an unfamiliar yoga class in a dimly lit room with about 25-30 people. We were all standing in a circle, facing counter-clockwise (looking at the back of the person to our right.) Everyone was singing a song that sounded like something that is sung in a Christian church, except for me. Everyone was holding a similar trinket at their heart-center except for me. When the instructor passed by, she asked me if she had given me whatever it was (I don't remember what it was exactly or what she called it). I said no, and she gave me one. I felt strongly that I didn't belong, so I left. I can't recall whether I snuck out right then, during the singing, or whether I waited for it to end and left quickly.

After leaving, I reflected on how there were several different "ritual" type practices in the class, and that it wasn't what I expected or enjoyed. It was as if I was only there as a trial, but still had a positive outlook, if not expectation.

The next thing I remember is that I was in some sort of household/craft store, talking to Hannah, an artist from TV's tattoo shop reality show, LA Ink. We walked around and talked like we were buds, and I told her about the yoga class. She challenged me with questions about why I felt the way I did, but I don't remember what was said, specifically.

Commentary: The idea of things not being what they seem (or are advertised to be) sticks in my head. Yoga has been on my mind because I've not been practicing for a few weeks, and I'm trying to figure out how I feel about that (Read: I'm trying not to beat myself up over not doing something I "should" do). The feeling of being where I don't belong is familiar, as a sense of belonging is pretty foreign to me. It might be tied to how I feel like something is missing. I think Hannah appeared because when I picked up my bicycle from the shop today, one of the employees asked me about my septum piercing because he wants one. He then talked about the tattoo/piercing shops he's been to. Otherwise, it doesn't make sense to me as I don't like shopping, and I don't have a tattoo. Admittedly, the idea of tattoos is intriguing, and I find it interesting to see (yes, through a camera lens) different people talk about their reasons for getting a tattoo, and the work itself can be beautiful.

Day 8

Anyone who has been following my self-development knows that I've been trying to heed my instincts a lot more. I've discovered that one of the obstacles to following through on my instinct is that my Ego influences how strong I perceive the instinct to be. For example, it I have a feeling that I should pursue something, and I actually want to, the instinct feels very strong; however, if it's something that I'm not particularly keen on, the instinct isn't as strong, and it gets muddied with all of my other feelings of self-doubt, which makes the instinct more difficult to identify.

Oh yeah, and I remembered a dream. I was riding in a car with a friend, and I heard a strange noise. I looked in the back seat, and someone had put a baby in the car. I reached and picked it up as it started crying and I tried to comfort it. The baby's eyes were changing color, and it could actually talk. I tried to comfort it and find out where it's mother was, but I woke up shortly after the conversation started.

Commentary: Weird. (And no, this isn't any sort of prophetic dream; most of my friends are going through the "having a baby" stage.)

Day 7

Dream: I had a dream that I was on a cruise with some random dreamland friends. We docked in an inlet where there was room for multiple cruise liners, but ours was the first ship there. When we disembarked, we walked on a narrow a wooden pathway with high rails to prevent you from falling into the water. This walkway also bridged over docks. The weather was warm, but I'm not sure if it was actually a tropical locale. Plants and flower pots were everywhere, even along the narrow walkway. At one point, when the walkway made a 90-degree turn to become parallel to the dirt walkway on land, I noticed a small cat sitting in the corner of that turn. What surprised me was that it didn't seem to mind the seemingly endless parade of feet that came perilously close to it. The cat was tortoise-shell-colored, so it was camouflaged very well in the shade of all the plants, but I was pleased to see it appear so inaffected by all the activity.

The only other thing I remember is trying to get back to my cabin, but being stuck on a deck on the ship where there was only one ramp where you could get to another level, and you could only go up. I was trying to go down, and couldn't find my way. Finally, I realized that in the time that passed when I was off the ship, other ships came into the port and I was actually on the wrong ship.

Commentary: Not sure about the significance of the cruise specifically, but I have been on several. The location felt like a place I wanted to be. Being unable to get where I wanted to go on the ship may be a way of pointing out that I've accepted the confines of my current "situation" when I should just hop off the ship and begin my new life.

Day 6

I remember a few dreams from last night, but nothing that seems profound at the moment.

1. T won $2.5 million and said he would split it with me. One morning I got a call from him on my cell phone saying he won $2.5 million. I was outside, walking to my car, and somehow, I immediately knew that he won the money from a Bennigan's restaurant gamepiece, like what I saw two days ago in real life. I remember being glad he wanted to split it with me, but I struggled with what would be the right thing to do because I didn't want to take advantage of him and any feelings of obligation. We had a conversation about it, just like we do about everything, where he says something, and I question whether he's sure because he doesn't sound confident in his decision. Which then gets percieved as me not preferring whatever it is, and he starts to reconsider. Becuase I like ideals, I would want him to give me the money because he wants to, not because he feels obligated to. I need to stop trying to police others' reasons and judging whether or not they are "moral".

Commentary: This is probably just "inspired" by actual events like tearing the game piece only to find free mozzarella sticks (the grand prize was a trip for 2 to Ireland). And T is providing the court's filing fees for our divorce papers, so I could just be feeling guilty about some things.

2. I was working with R on designing new business cards for the company. In real life, R recently transferred to my company's marketing department, and in my dream, he ran a business card design by me. I excitedly tore it apart, offering design-savvy suggestions and feeling very confident about my contributions. I remember quite a lot of detail about the actual design that was presented to me as well as my suggestions.

Commentary: I've recently offered my services to help a local business-owner by picking up the pieces from another graphic designer to have a store-front sign made. Add to that the fact that at my job, I still haven't gotten "on a roll" in my new position, and I'm starting to question how good a fit it is.

3. I talked with a man from Oklahoma at a Jeopardy studio audience in Valley Forge, PA. I was walking with a group of people in Valley Forge Park. The group was stretched out, and a man from Oklahoma was walking next to me and we started talking. He asked me questions about me, but I had a hard time talking to him because he kept walking ahead of me. (Which is very weird because I walk fast and usually have to slow down to not away from other people.) We entered an auditorium where there were seats on-stage for potential Jeopardy contestants, but this man and I were only loosely interested in playing along to answer questions, and had no desire to become contestants.

Commentary: I am going on a hike this Saturday with a group of people I've never met, and I do drive through Valley Forge Park every workday. I have no idea who the guy was, and I have no idea what triggered the Jeopardy game show.

Day 2

Happy Easter.

I awoke this morning at 9am, after sleeping for 27 of the previous 32 hours. There are numerous possible causes, but since I really don't know which one, I'm not going to bother speculating. There were some weird dreams, though. Well, I guess it would be one drawn-out morphing type dream. And, unfortunately, I didn't get a chance to write about it earlier, so much of memory has faded.

Although I normally patronize Irish Joe's for Sunday breakfast, they were closed today so I went to La Creperie. The food was good, and I was entertained at the counter by a couple of the waitresses, Jill and Monica. I wasn't sure what I was going to do today, but I ended up setting up my "office" upstairs, which until this morning, I had no idea how to go about it. Yet, all of a sudden, a new arrangement came to me, and I've been enjoying it all day as I pass by. All I need is a lamp of some sort and a three-prong extension cord, and I will be golden.

It's Easter... and spiritually, I have nothing. On to the dream...

Dream: What I remember involves playing in a band without knowing how to play any of the instruments. Kinda like the band felt sorry for me, so I was part of the band without actually playing anything. Anyway, I'm outside at night, the only light around was amber-colored streetlights. A man and a woman walk up to me and start asking me questions about what I do in the band. The man was older and wore an overcoat and a hat. He didn't say anything. The woman was younger, maybe close to my age. She was pretty, with long, blond hair, and was wearing what looked like a faded, light yellow graphic tee with the drawing of a tree of some sort. The leaves on the tree were little hearts. The woman asked me questions and I explained my situation in great detail as we went through each instrument. Afterward she seemed to understand, and she offered to help me. I came to the revelation that I could help support the band by designing a logo, fliers, etc.

I went to my bedroom in some house to grab some belongings and return to the woman, and my Father comes in to find out what I'm doing. I think I was hoping to leave without him and my Mom noticing, but since he intersected me, I anticipated resistance and became immediately emotional. Lo and behold, the Universe was there for me however, as my Dad was wearing a t-shirt with the same design as the woman. I explained that I was going to get help, and I knew it was a good thing because she was wearing the same design on her shirt. I specifically remember pointing to the graphic on his shirt, which was pretty much eye-level as he is 6'4". I remember being very excited.

That's all I can remember coherently enough to write about. At some point, I was lying on a bed talking with my friend D, but I no longer remember details of what we were talking about.

Day 1

I'm not feeling very rested today, and I hadn't had much time to plan what I want to do before T called about me going to the house to pick up some more of my stuff. I went along with the idea as I had nothing else pressing. The most productive thing I did was drop off our bicycles for their annual tune-ups. I had zero energy and didn't end up taking any stuff home, but I did spend some time over there organizing/separating out some of my stuff for when I do.

Anyway, no spiritual stuff today, but I do remember some dreams...

Dream 1: I'm at a tennis tournament, and although I went on my own, I separately ran across friends. Most of my focus was on finding a good seat, and I didn't really know who was playing. Also, it was outside, in the rain. But, it wasn't too bad because in dreamland, although it was a little chilly, the rain felt warm, and you never really got wet; you could feel the rain hitting you, but it would quickly evaporate. At one point I sat next to N who told me I was breathing loud. Later, I sat next to R with my camera and laptop. As soon as decided to put my camera away, a great photo-op occurred so I missed it. Then it was dark and I was confused as to why my laptop was emitting so much light even though it was closed. (I think that in real life, I was annoyed at the light coming into my room. Yes, I slept in late; I was up late.) At some point, I moved toward the rear of the stands where there was an unattended snack bar.

Dream 2: I was lying in bed with one of my cats, Majik, and he was chewing on something (as he often does). I had to pat the covers down to see what he was doing, and he had the dangerous end of a large feather in his mouth. I went to pull it out of his mouth gently, but it turned out to be a REALLY long feather, and was down his throat. When it came out entirely, there was blood on it. Then the phone rang. (Telemarketer in real-life.)

Dream 3: Ever since I moved into my place, I have wanted to do something about the curtains on my windows because too much light comes in. In my dream, there were also blinds on the windows, and I had just discovered them after 3 months and felt like an idiot.