What do you do for living?

In social situations, I understand that this is a conventional question that most people are comfortable asking and answering. However, this question cannot be asked without first making the assumption that someone is actually working. It also assumes that what a person is employed to do gives you insight into who they are. Instead, when you want to know more about someone, I propose asking something like “what interests you?” The assumption that a person is interested in something is much more likely to be accurate.

If you’re not working for whatever reason, and someone asks “what do you do for a living”, I would probably try to do is answer in the spirit of the question. Chances are, someone is either simply making small talk or looking for a connection, so answer with something you want to talk about, or how you spend your time. Although I personally avoid asking the question because I don’t like being nosey, a friend of mine is a teacher and she struggles with people not understanding how she survives the summer. (!) Anyway, she tries to ask, “what are you passionate about”, so maybe if you answer as if the question was phrased that way, it would be easier. For example, I think I’ve actually answered with something like, “well, my work isn’t that interesting, but it allows me to focus on the things I enjoy like…” One thing’s for sure is that people like talking about themselves in general, so if you don’t feel like putting much effort into answering, steering the conversation toward the other person usually puts you in the clear. “Tell me about your… whatever.” Just make sure you’re willing to put forth some effort into actually listening.

True self, confidence, and attraction

Living your true self makes you more attractive.

Aside from superficial observations, confidence plays a significant part in how attractive a person is. When someone is being/doing something that they truly enjoy – whether it’s a girl playing Magic or a guy exploring the culinary arts – they are more attractive because they are letting you see the real them. And if an activity isn’t the “norm” for their gender, they may be even more confident because they know they are being genuine, despite the fact that it’s not the norm… ergo, they are more attractive.

False expressions of confidence aren't as successful because who or what is being attracted isn't a natural connection. (This doesn't mean that natural connections never fade, but in those cases, it's caused by something else.)

Being "attractive" doesn't mean being "sexually" attractive... it defines everything you attract: people, relationships, experiences, information... everything. But attracting what naturally aligns with you depends on whether you are living your true self.

It's all in my head

It seems that part of each lesson I learn is finding out there's more to learn. After reflecting upon tonight's discussion of how relationships can be a spiritual practice, I realize that when it comes to "romantic" relationships, I'm simply scared. I don't want to have an "attached" kind of relationship. I think I've been successful with friendly relationships, but have not even tried it with a lover, significant other, or whatever term you want to use.

Considering everything that would need to come together for me to even consider a close relationship - that quintessential spark, a connection, mutual attraction, general alignment of timing and interest to have a relationship, and last but not least, a very compatible idea of what a loving relationship is, from both of our perspectives - it seems unlikely enough to happen. Add to that the fact that I don't have the nonattachment thing down, which, given my track record pretty much guarantees a short-lived relationship, only fueled is my fear of pain (not just mine), and you have one person scared to get close.

And yes, I recognize these things - attachment, fear, pain - as being in my head. Maybe they won't always be there, but for the current moment, they are what I have instead of a hand in mine.

Freedom from "in"

I've often struggled to reconcile the incredibly varied types of connections/relationships I can have (and would enjoy!) with people, against what I've been taught is prudent, acceptable, appropriate, etc. Over time, I have simply suppressed my own expression in order to conform to societal rules (or what I thought the societal rules were).

I have recently been working very hard at identifying which aspects of my expression are results of conditioning, and addressing them consciously. However, last Saturday, through a strange circumstance, I gained access to unconscious conditioning that I had not previously been able to see, much less discard. It took me a day and a half to process it, and I came out on the other side a new person. Now I am free from those dictated ways of relating because I have the clarity to see that it's purely up to the individuals involved, and includes being aware, honest, respectful, and conscious. The past five days have been a miraculous, validating whirlwind of meaning, clarity, opportunity, love, and joy.

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So I'm toying with the concept that being "in love", "in a relationship", or "in a marriage" is as confining as the very word "in" suggests. To be "in" something is to assume that there is some inherent boundary that separates, or limits, what is contained within and without. And the thing with boundaries is that they must be agreed upon to avoid some level of conflict. In the realm of feelings, the proverbial "line in the sand" leads a much more unpredictable existence than its physical counterpart due to its nature of having a plethora of factors and conditions that affect every aspect of it, at any given time.

I can relate with someone. I can feel love for someone. But do I ever want to be "in" something? I know it’s semantic, but I actually think that it’s the existence of these "predefined" sets of boundaries (and what they are presumed to contain) that create the expectations and obligations that, although accepted, are not actually reasonable in many cases.

Day 15 and 16 - Your heartbreak was not in vain

Saturday, I was a vegetable due to a bad headache. But I believe that it might have been necessary in order to embrace an experience I had following morning.

At my Sunday breakfast counter of choice, Irish Joe's, I brought my copy of Ascent of Humanity to read while waiting and eating. (No Charles, I have not forgotten the importance of mindfully savoring food... baby steps.) I had skipped to a chapter on the conversion of life into money, and was reading the Social Capital subchapter when I came across this passage near the end:

Our outward casualness could not insulate us from the wrenching, liberating, shattering power of sexual love to open a door to the soul. I wonder if any of my girlfriends from that time will read this? If so, I want you to know that even if I then seemed a hopeless cad, your love turned deep invisible keys in my soul. Your heartbreak was not in vain. What you gave me, I needed for my future opening.

Your heartbreak was not in vain.

Exactly.

I wept. I was high. The food exploded with flavor that wasn't in the previous bite.

Finally, I can let go. Now that I know it wasn't all for nothing. For me as well as those I have hurt.