I think using this blog to chronicle a 100-day experience of inner peace has run its course for me. When I started, I was pretty sure I wouldn't finish it; however, I thought it would last longer than 20 days. :)
I go through phases, and when one begins, I have no way of knowing how long it will last.
I typically write for one of three reasons:
1.) To sort things out
2.) To record things I want to remember or be able to refer to
3.) To express things that may be helpful to one person who happens across my blog.
In the beginning, it was helpful to have something guiding the topics of my posts, but the phase began to dwindle after it began feeling more like an obligation. Therefore, I hereby withdraw my participation in the disciplined sense but will continue in the spirit by sharing thoughts and experiences regarding inner peace, whenever the words to describe them find their way into my head.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Day 20 - Enough to wonder
(OK, C - this post is for you.)
I can relate to the recognition of good fortune, and how the joyous revelation of gratitude can fill your spirit with a profound love of life and all it entails. Although I wouldn't say it was polar opposite, my experience was quite different from another's.
The event was seeing a new friend perform a gig at a Philly restaurant/bar. The background is that I had met him through another friend and had gotten to know him some personally over the previous couple weeks. However, not knowing anyone in the "music biz", I was a little apprehensive about seeing the entertainment aspect as it was completely unfamiliar. I can't explain it rationally, but I didn't want to appear like a groupie. Nor did I really want to watch a bunch of groupies vie for his attention. (Yes, I have an inherent jealous tendency, but I have worked at lessening its intensity, and if I may say so, I do a pretty good job at hiding it.) Although I wanted to see him perform, only when I knew he actually wanted me there would I have gone.
Other contributing factors included being with people I didn't know or didn't know well, during the drive to & from the city, and during dinner (the food was really good). And, I'm uncomfortable in bars. This discomfort proved distracting, and made me more susceptible to other external distractions which made it difficult to enjoy his performance, which was pretty awesome.
Although its memory conjures mixed feelings, I'm glad I went, as it helped to build experience and relationships. Not every growth experience is a pleasant one.
It may be presumptuous for me to call it a growth experience, as I'm still not sure what the "lesson" is. It may have simply been an opportunity for me to express my support for someone actively pursuing their passion, an example of which there cannot be too many.
I can relate to the recognition of good fortune, and how the joyous revelation of gratitude can fill your spirit with a profound love of life and all it entails. Although I wouldn't say it was polar opposite, my experience was quite different from another's.
The event was seeing a new friend perform a gig at a Philly restaurant/bar. The background is that I had met him through another friend and had gotten to know him some personally over the previous couple weeks. However, not knowing anyone in the "music biz", I was a little apprehensive about seeing the entertainment aspect as it was completely unfamiliar. I can't explain it rationally, but I didn't want to appear like a groupie. Nor did I really want to watch a bunch of groupies vie for his attention. (Yes, I have an inherent jealous tendency, but I have worked at lessening its intensity, and if I may say so, I do a pretty good job at hiding it.) Although I wanted to see him perform, only when I knew he actually wanted me there would I have gone.
Other contributing factors included being with people I didn't know or didn't know well, during the drive to & from the city, and during dinner (the food was really good). And, I'm uncomfortable in bars. This discomfort proved distracting, and made me more susceptible to other external distractions which made it difficult to enjoy his performance, which was pretty awesome.
Although its memory conjures mixed feelings, I'm glad I went, as it helped to build experience and relationships. Not every growth experience is a pleasant one.
It may be presumptuous for me to call it a growth experience, as I'm still not sure what the "lesson" is. It may have simply been an opportunity for me to express my support for someone actively pursuing their passion, an example of which there cannot be too many.
Wednesday, April 09, 2008
Day 19
Dream: I was in an unfamiliar yoga class in a dimly lit room with about 25-30 people. We were all standing in a circle, facing counter-clockwise (looking at the back of the person to our right.) Everyone was singing a song that sounded like something that is sung in a Christian church, except for me. Everyone was holding a similar trinket at their heart-center except for me. When the instructor passed by, she asked me if she had given me whatever it was (I don't remember what it was exactly or what she called it). I said no, and she gave me one. I felt strongly that I didn't belong, so I left. I can't recall whether I snuck out right then, during the singing, or whether I waited for it to end and left quickly.
After leaving, I reflected on how there were several different "ritual" type practices in the class, and that it wasn't what I expected or enjoyed. It was as if I was only there as a trial, but still had a positive outlook, if not expectation.
The next thing I remember is that I was in some sort of household/craft store, talking to Hannah, an artist from TV's tattoo shop reality show, LA Ink. We walked around and talked like we were buds, and I told her about the yoga class. She challenged me with questions about why I felt the way I did, but I don't remember what was said, specifically.
Commentary: The idea of things not being what they seem (or are advertised to be) sticks in my head. Yoga has been on my mind because I've not been practicing for a few weeks, and I'm trying to figure out how I feel about that (Read: I'm trying not to beat myself up over not doing something I "should" do). The feeling of being where I don't belong is familiar, as a sense of belonging is pretty foreign to me. It might be tied to how I feel like something is missing. I think Hannah appeared because when I picked up my bicycle from the shop today, one of the employees asked me about my septum piercing because he wants one. He then talked about the tattoo/piercing shops he's been to. Otherwise, it doesn't make sense to me as I don't like shopping, and I don't have a tattoo. Admittedly, the idea of tattoos is intriguing, and I find it interesting to see (yes, through a camera lens) different people talk about their reasons for getting a tattoo, and the work itself can be beautiful.
After leaving, I reflected on how there were several different "ritual" type practices in the class, and that it wasn't what I expected or enjoyed. It was as if I was only there as a trial, but still had a positive outlook, if not expectation.
The next thing I remember is that I was in some sort of household/craft store, talking to Hannah, an artist from TV's tattoo shop reality show, LA Ink. We walked around and talked like we were buds, and I told her about the yoga class. She challenged me with questions about why I felt the way I did, but I don't remember what was said, specifically.
Commentary: The idea of things not being what they seem (or are advertised to be) sticks in my head. Yoga has been on my mind because I've not been practicing for a few weeks, and I'm trying to figure out how I feel about that (Read: I'm trying not to beat myself up over not doing something I "should" do). The feeling of being where I don't belong is familiar, as a sense of belonging is pretty foreign to me. It might be tied to how I feel like something is missing. I think Hannah appeared because when I picked up my bicycle from the shop today, one of the employees asked me about my septum piercing because he wants one. He then talked about the tattoo/piercing shops he's been to. Otherwise, it doesn't make sense to me as I don't like shopping, and I don't have a tattoo. Admittedly, the idea of tattoos is intriguing, and I find it interesting to see (yes, through a camera lens) different people talk about their reasons for getting a tattoo, and the work itself can be beautiful.
Tuesday, April 08, 2008
Day 18
The topic of spiritual practice came up last night in a discussion, and I found it interesting to hear the different ways people defined what a spiritual practice meant to them. I certainly have a broader perspective now on things that I do and ways that I am that are spiritual. In my mind, "practice" connotes disciplined repetition, so I guess there are many moments that, although I would describe them as blissful or euphoric, I never recognized as being spiritual.
Thinking about these things newly categorized as spiritual, I can't help but notice that there is a common characteristic. I can't control when they happen, they just do. I actually can't remember if I created a post about it, but I've toyed with the concept of enjoying life as actually having as many of "those moments" as possible. So, I guess a spiritual practice for me would be doing what supports being in those moments.
Thinking about these things newly categorized as spiritual, I can't help but notice that there is a common characteristic. I can't control when they happen, they just do. I actually can't remember if I created a post about it, but I've toyed with the concept of enjoying life as actually having as many of "those moments" as possible. So, I guess a spiritual practice for me would be doing what supports being in those moments.
Monday, April 07, 2008
Day 17
I was in my head a lot today. I was experiencing feelings that I wasn't comfortable with, and my knee-jerk reaction is to analyze what I feel, try to determine why I feel the way I do, and make a judgment, "This is good/this is bad." If it's good, I relish it; if it's bad, I try to rationalize my way out of it. So in other words, I found myself in an overthinking loop.
Fortunately, timing was on my side, as catching up with a friend in the afternoon was naturally grounding, and I was able to enjoy the rest of my day with a more healthy perspective.
Fortunately, timing was on my side, as catching up with a friend in the afternoon was naturally grounding, and I was able to enjoy the rest of my day with a more healthy perspective.
Sunday, April 06, 2008
Day 15 and 16 - Your heartbreak was not in vain
Saturday, I was a vegetable due to a bad headache. But I believe that it might have been necessary in order to embrace an experience I had following morning.
At my Sunday breakfast counter of choice, Irish Joe's, I brought my copy of Ascent of Humanity to read while waiting and eating. (No Charles, I have not forgotten the importance of mindfully savoring food... baby steps.) I had skipped to a chapter on the conversion of life into money, and was reading the Social Capital subchapter when I came across this passage near the end:
Our outward casualness could not insulate us from the wrenching, liberating, shattering power of sexual love to open a door to the soul. I wonder if any of my girlfriends from that time will read this? If so, I want you to know that even if I then seemed a hopeless cad, your love turned deep invisible keys in my soul. Your heartbreak was not in vain. What you gave me, I needed for my future opening.
Your heartbreak was not in vain.
Exactly.
I wept. I was high. The food exploded with flavor that wasn't in the previous bite.
Finally, I can let go. Now that I know it wasn't all for nothing. For me as well as those I have hurt.
Friday, April 04, 2008
Day 11, 12, 13, and 14
Is this cheating? Not when you make up your own rules! :)
It's been quite a week; in a good way. I decided not to force a blog post when words didn't come. I haven't been remembering dreams lately, but I have been trying subtly new and different ways of being in the world. I am taking a more active role in making connections with people, although I'm trying my best to do it in a balanced way. That is, not overextending myself or my freedom, nor being forward, but trying to remaining open so when situations arise that I want to explore, I am able to.
So far, I've been amazed at how things seem to work themselves out when I let go of trying to control things and go with the flow, happily. In the past few days, things have seemed simple. I feel like I'm able to access the joy of life a little more easily than before.
It's been quite a week; in a good way. I decided not to force a blog post when words didn't come. I haven't been remembering dreams lately, but I have been trying subtly new and different ways of being in the world. I am taking a more active role in making connections with people, although I'm trying my best to do it in a balanced way. That is, not overextending myself or my freedom, nor being forward, but trying to remaining open so when situations arise that I want to explore, I am able to.
So far, I've been amazed at how things seem to work themselves out when I let go of trying to control things and go with the flow, happily. In the past few days, things have seemed simple. I feel like I'm able to access the joy of life a little more easily than before.
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