Comparing

In general, it is rarely helpful to compare yourself to others, usually because a value is attached to the characteristic. Some general thoughts that can arise out of comparing yourself to others are:

• “That person is more attractive than me.” How attractive someone is depends on the observer. A person may be attractive to some and not others. And yes, people are shallow – some more than others. The less shallow someone is, the more characteristics can influence how attractive someone is to them, in either direction; making someone more or less attractive to them. So yes, looks can matter to some extent, but there are too many variables to be able to make an objective assessment on whether someone is definitively attractive or not.
• “I’m not as smart as that person.” Similar to there being variables in assessing someone’s attractiveness to another, people have different definitions of what it means to be intelligent. But, let’s be honest. This statement is super-general, and assuming that you are a reasonable person, you would be saying this as an emotional expression. Either to berate yourself and direct blame (probably incorrectly) on yourself, or even help you feel better by justifying a certain outcome. It might help to figure out what made you feel this way, and determine whether the cause really is a measure of intelligence. Most likely, it will not, but it will probably reflect a reasonable outcome of a situation based on all the relevant details, however inconvenient. My general definition of intelligence includes a person’s ability to solve problems, learn from their mistakes, and be able to consider multiple perspectives of a particular idea. Making mistakes alone doesn’t mean you’re stupid. If it did, everyone would be either stupid or perfect… and nobody’s perfect.
• “That person’s better than me,” or “I’m not good enough.” There are usually multiple perspectives that would simultaneously deem someone “good” or “bad” in a given situation and they will likely change as the situation changes. If I’ve done two things in my entire life, one you see as good and one you see as bad (to an equal degree), am I a good person or a bad person? Does it depend on my intent? The result? Who it affected and how? Is it even possible to completely know all of these answers? Even if it was, it’s possible that everyone else would disagree with your position. Again, given the probable emotional state in which this thought occurs, it might help to look at what triggered this thought. Also, it’s impossible to know every aspect of another person, whether it’s a stranger or someone you know very well. I’m more likely to see strangers (or someone I don’t know very well) as unjustly good or bad because my judgment is based on limited observation and whatever ingrained biases I have, whereas I have a more accurate assessment of those I know better, since I know them better.

These are very general examples, but ways to address them can be applied to more specific ones. The overarching point is that making comparisons typically has a negative affect on self-esteem and confidence because a value is arbitrarily applied to something that doesn’t really matter. So, it’s best to avoid comparing yourself with others unless you can do it without attaching value to whatever characteristic you are comparing. In addition, these thoughts are usually an effect of some emotion, and figuring out the emotion that is being expressed by the thought and what it’s caused by will help you determine the root cause of the issue. For example, perhaps you are feeling frustration… caused by what? An unmet expectation? (see post on “Expectations”) Unreasonably high standards for yourself (perfection)? (see post on how I “Learned to Embrace Imperfection”)

If your thoughts tend to be of the opposite variety, i.e., “I’m more attractive/smarter/better than that person”, it can bolster your confidence, which can be useful at times. However, if comparing yourself to others is the primary source of self-esteem, it is an unreliable method because it doesn’t really mean anything, and in a sense you are relying on others. It might also indicate insecurity, which, depending on your personality, can manifest in an aggressive, defensive, and/or passive aggressive attitude.