Selfishness

For something that is definitively human, selfishness gets a pretty bad rap. It’s not our selfish nature that deserves the scrutiny, but the way we express it. We are taught it is bad to be selfish, but that’s like saying it’s bad to experience happiness. Knowing what your “self” enjoys makes it easier to experience happiness. It only becomes tricky and dangerous when it involves other people, especially when there are differing ideas on the right and wrong ways are of expressing our selfish nature, which can change depending on the situation.
Some characteristics that can contribute to a person’s definition of a “wrong” selfish expression are those that:

• Seem contrary to relative history, or routine, based on expectations that have developed over time. Expectations cause many problems, but are necessary to some degree. My advice in situations like this are to admit that there is an expectation, and allow a discussion of intent. Usually it will be discovered that the “offender” didn’t intend to exploit the expectation, and the expectation itself should be examined to determine how reasonable it is.
• Leave someone feeling rejected and therefore unfairly judged or criticized (see "Rejection" post)
• Don’t follow the “put others first” philosophy. The practice of putting others first is a way to express respect. (Emphasis on a way; meaning if an action isn’t consistent with this practice, it shouldn’t be interpreted as a disrespect.) If not putting others first is seen as selfishness, then it is an expectation. Although there are situations where expectations are justifiable, it is usually unreasonable to expect a specific expression of respect. A lack of courtesy is not discourteous, but a discourteous act, is. Therefore, not putting others first can be considered selfish, but it is not inherently offensive unless that is the intent.

My general point is that everyone is selfish, and it cannot be held against anyone any more than having a head. If someone disregards another person’s rights or otherwise intends to cause them mental or physical discomfort or harm, then it is an inappropriate expression of selfishness.

If you are hurt or offended because you think someone is being selfish, I suggest that you first determine whether that person intended to hurt or offend you. More than likely, the answer will be no, in which case you should determine why you feel hurt or offended.

• If they failed to meet an expectation, determine whether the expecation was reasonable. (This may require discussion).
• If you think they are judging or criticizing you, say so and let the other person explain their intent.
• If you think they aren’t following your philosophy about putting others first, consider that different people have different philosophies, and follow them to different degrees. Unless it’s evident, it’s usually not reasonable to assume that inaction is intended to be a negative expression.

(Posts that link to this one: “Rejection”)