Authenticity

Far too often have I taken cues from those around me to determine what I think, say, and do, rather than my own personal expression.

Therefore, I've been trying to figure out who I am and what I want. This is not a selfish quest any more than it's selfish for a tree to extend it's branches toward infinite sunlight and therefore provide oxygen to it's Earthly cohabitants, albeit a less than conscious effort.

How can I say to someone that I need to figure out who I am? Especially to someone who thinks they know? I've said that I want to "be me", but this implies that at times I'm not "me", which is absurd, since I'm obviously no one else but myself.

I think that my authentic self is buried under years of influence, and that all of the "issues" I'm trying to resolve in myself are just manifestations of incongruency between my authentic self and how my conscious mind, under consideration of external influence, has directed me. So, when I say I want to "be me", I'm saying that I want to shed the extra layers of expectation, fear, and self-judgment and doubt that strip me of my confidence that I'm thinking, doing, and saying what is true.

Perhaps then I will have something as purposeful as oxygen to offer those in my life.

Ungrounded

Post assertions of lofty positive promises from Impetus, I have been uncomfortably ungrounded. In the beginning, it wasn't too bad. I was just disconnected, left with what little inertia remained from tentatively thrusting myself into feeling again. I tried to embrace the period of not being on a path, to be open to my spirit's true expression. However, after a bit of time, the cloudy veil started to lift, and I realized I was definitely not where I wanted to be. I imploded under the instant bombardment of questions. What does this mean? What do I do? Should I change? What should I change? How do I change? What are my options? What do I want? All of which had the same answer: I don't know.

My overarching sense was one of nakedness. Vulnerability. Many a blog post were started during this time, but none survived the collapse of aimlessness that seemed to permeate my every moment of existence. Thankfully, I wasn't (and am still not) hopeless, partly because I know that there is a process to re-evaluating and changing direction, and I've been working on my patience with myself. Also, I've been actively addressing some things that I knew needed attention, so haven't been completely without purpose.

I'm starting to consciously let go of my doubt and discomfort so that I can can receive the answers to my questions. Similar to the philosophy that you will only find what you're looking for once you stop looking. Mind you, this is all easier said than done. Instead of a graceful transition onto a more enlightened path, my natural tendency to rely on external forces results in anguish as I struggle between what I know and what I let myself believe. I have to contend with extreme characteristics from both ends of my personality to find the balance between my faith and my fear. Internal and external. Self and others.