Comparing

In general, it is rarely helpful to compare yourself to others, usually because a value is attached to the characteristic. Some general thoughts that can arise out of comparing yourself to others are:

• “That person is more attractive than me.” How attractive someone is depends on the observer. A person may be attractive to some and not others. And yes, people are shallow – some more than others. The less shallow someone is, the more characteristics can influence how attractive someone is to them, in either direction; making someone more or less attractive to them. So yes, looks can matter to some extent, but there are too many variables to be able to make an objective assessment on whether someone is definitively attractive or not.
• “I’m not as smart as that person.” Similar to there being variables in assessing someone’s attractiveness to another, people have different definitions of what it means to be intelligent. But, let’s be honest. This statement is super-general, and assuming that you are a reasonable person, you would be saying this as an emotional expression. Either to berate yourself and direct blame (probably incorrectly) on yourself, or even help you feel better by justifying a certain outcome. It might help to figure out what made you feel this way, and determine whether the cause really is a measure of intelligence. Most likely, it will not, but it will probably reflect a reasonable outcome of a situation based on all the relevant details, however inconvenient. My general definition of intelligence includes a person’s ability to solve problems, learn from their mistakes, and be able to consider multiple perspectives of a particular idea. Making mistakes alone doesn’t mean you’re stupid. If it did, everyone would be either stupid or perfect… and nobody’s perfect.
• “That person’s better than me,” or “I’m not good enough.” There are usually multiple perspectives that would simultaneously deem someone “good” or “bad” in a given situation and they will likely change as the situation changes. If I’ve done two things in my entire life, one you see as good and one you see as bad (to an equal degree), am I a good person or a bad person? Does it depend on my intent? The result? Who it affected and how? Is it even possible to completely know all of these answers? Even if it was, it’s possible that everyone else would disagree with your position. Again, given the probable emotional state in which this thought occurs, it might help to look at what triggered this thought. Also, it’s impossible to know every aspect of another person, whether it’s a stranger or someone you know very well. I’m more likely to see strangers (or someone I don’t know very well) as unjustly good or bad because my judgment is based on limited observation and whatever ingrained biases I have, whereas I have a more accurate assessment of those I know better, since I know them better.

These are very general examples, but ways to address them can be applied to more specific ones. The overarching point is that making comparisons typically has a negative affect on self-esteem and confidence because a value is arbitrarily applied to something that doesn’t really matter. So, it’s best to avoid comparing yourself with others unless you can do it without attaching value to whatever characteristic you are comparing. In addition, these thoughts are usually an effect of some emotion, and figuring out the emotion that is being expressed by the thought and what it’s caused by will help you determine the root cause of the issue. For example, perhaps you are feeling frustration… caused by what? An unmet expectation? (see post on “Expectations”) Unreasonably high standards for yourself (perfection)? (see post on how I “Learned to Embrace Imperfection”)

If your thoughts tend to be of the opposite variety, i.e., “I’m more attractive/smarter/better than that person”, it can bolster your confidence, which can be useful at times. However, if comparing yourself to others is the primary source of self-esteem, it is an unreliable method because it doesn’t really mean anything, and in a sense you are relying on others. It might also indicate insecurity, which, depending on your personality, can manifest in an aggressive, defensive, and/or passive aggressive attitude.

Judgment

Judgment is another one of those human things (such as selfishness) that gets a bad rap. It’s how we carry out our judgments that matter; not the fact that we make them. Even without consciously acting a certain way, the way you think about your judgments can affect your feelings, or someone else’s, so it’s important to be aware of them.

I’m more likely to see strangers (or someone I don’t know very well) as unjustly good or bad because my judgment is based on limited observation and whatever ingrained biases I have, whereas I have a more accurate assessment of those I know better, since I know them better. I try to keep this in mind as I’m judged by others.

Insecurity

Depending on your personality, insecurity often manifests in an aggressive, defensive, or passive aggressive attitude. I’m not as insecure as I used to be, but I can see that it is often the cause of my defensiveness, which makes sense when you consider that being falsely accused of doing something bad is a major paranoia of mine. Despite my familiarity with insecurity, I admit I have difficulty knowing the best way to respond to others’ insecurity, especially aggressive manifestations.

My natural inclination to reason with an aggressively insecure person is definitely not the answer. In fact, I think it might make things worse. So, unfortunately I have no insight other than something that doesn’t work, but if I do, I’ll put it here.


(Linked from Comparing)

Selfishness

For something that is definitively human, selfishness gets a pretty bad rap. It’s not our selfish nature that deserves the scrutiny, but the way we express it. We are taught it is bad to be selfish, but that’s like saying it’s bad to experience happiness. Knowing what your “self” enjoys makes it easier to experience happiness. It only becomes tricky and dangerous when it involves other people, especially when there are differing ideas on the right and wrong ways are of expressing our selfish nature, which can change depending on the situation.
Some characteristics that can contribute to a person’s definition of a “wrong” selfish expression are those that:

• Seem contrary to relative history, or routine, based on expectations that have developed over time. Expectations cause many problems, but are necessary to some degree. My advice in situations like this are to admit that there is an expectation, and allow a discussion of intent. Usually it will be discovered that the “offender” didn’t intend to exploit the expectation, and the expectation itself should be examined to determine how reasonable it is.
• Leave someone feeling rejected and therefore unfairly judged or criticized (see "Rejection" post)
• Don’t follow the “put others first” philosophy. The practice of putting others first is a way to express respect. (Emphasis on a way; meaning if an action isn’t consistent with this practice, it shouldn’t be interpreted as a disrespect.) If not putting others first is seen as selfishness, then it is an expectation. Although there are situations where expectations are justifiable, it is usually unreasonable to expect a specific expression of respect. A lack of courtesy is not discourteous, but a discourteous act, is. Therefore, not putting others first can be considered selfish, but it is not inherently offensive unless that is the intent.

My general point is that everyone is selfish, and it cannot be held against anyone any more than having a head. If someone disregards another person’s rights or otherwise intends to cause them mental or physical discomfort or harm, then it is an inappropriate expression of selfishness.

If you are hurt or offended because you think someone is being selfish, I suggest that you first determine whether that person intended to hurt or offend you. More than likely, the answer will be no, in which case you should determine why you feel hurt or offended.

• If they failed to meet an expectation, determine whether the expecation was reasonable. (This may require discussion).
• If you think they are judging or criticizing you, say so and let the other person explain their intent.
• If you think they aren’t following your philosophy about putting others first, consider that different people have different philosophies, and follow them to different degrees. Unless it’s evident, it’s usually not reasonable to assume that inaction is intended to be a negative expression.

(Posts that link to this one: “Rejection”)

Rejection

Rejection (in a social context) isn’t always rejection. At least my take is that if you’re not chosen for something, it’s not necessarily because you’re not smart, attractive, cool, or whatever enough. Things change from moment to moment, and so do people’s moods and preferences. For example, if I want to spend time alone during a weekend afternoon, and decline when a friend calls me to do something, it simply means that based on whatever situation I’m in, I would prefer to be alone. Whether it’s because there are chores I want to do, hobbies I want to pursue, feel I need a mental break free of interaction, or any other possible reason, it doesn’t mean I’m rejecting my friend. Rather, it means I’m choosing something else.

For those who think in black and white and claim that not choosing something is rejecting it, I offer this analogy. Say you generally like the taste of popcorn. When you eat something else, it doesn’t mean that you don’t like popcorn. You probably like many foods, but at different times you prefer the taste of different things. Further, when you’re not eating anything, it doesn’t mean you don’t like any food.

So, if you feel rejected by a friend for reasons not evident, it may help to look at it from the perspective that no one can be everything for another, and each person has a variety of things they like to do and people they like to spend their time with. Just like you enjoy a variety of food.

Some challenges to dealing with feelings of rejection might be a sense of relative unimportance (comparing yourself to others) or that the other person is being selfish.

(Posts that link to this one: “On the path to happiness”.)

Skyward

I've heard that hang gliding is the purest form of flight attainable by a human.

Once you have tasted flight you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you long to return.

- Leonardo DaVinci

From the moment this opportunity landed in my lap, to buying the t-shirt, this felt so natural and right.

A couple months ago, I joined a conversation with a couple of people remarking about a skydiving certificate that was decorating (an unoccupied) cubicle next to mine, because I have skydived before. Someone brought up hang gliding, and it occurred to me that I had also wanted to try that for a long time, although I hadn’t thought about it in a few years. I only had enough free time in my workday to determine that the closest place I could learn was in Maryland. On my way out of the office THAT DAY, I stopped to ask someone a question about tennis, which led to a spontaneous invitation to go hang gliding in Maryland on Labor Day. If I hesitated at all in answering it was because I was stunned at the coincidence

For as long as I can remember, I've been interested in flying. I've had several "one-off" adventures, such as taking the yoke of a 4-seater prop, skydiving, and bungee jumping, but hang gliding was the best so far.

Once I made it successfully to Highland Aerosports that Monday morning (thanks to Tom for giving me directions over the cell phone after I got lost somehow), I felt like I belonged, despite it being my first time there, without knowing anyone. I had no expectations as I met up with a friend who was there with another group. After filling out a couple pages of legal forms, I calmly waited and watched other people being towed up in their gliders, flying, and landing, and hearing about their experiences.

I was last in the group to fly, and my instructor, Adam, explained some of the basics before we climbed into the harnesses. Once we were secured, he went over flight control basics before taking off. Once the “tug” (ultralight plane that tows the glider) began to take flight, I didn’t feel strange or even excited. I was in the moment, watching the distance grow between me and Earth. When we were at about 2500 feet, Adam released the towline. The noise stopped. The wind stopped. We stopped…or it seemed.

We were free. Free to feel the air, go this way or that, and be. Although I was inexperienced, controlling the glider felt very natural, and it was easy to maneuver. Adam let me stall the glider (with direction), and gave me some “targets” to fly toward. Near the end of the flight, he offered to do some aerobatics and we climbed, dove, and banked. After the smooth landing, he asked me if I had any questions, and I had one: “Can I go again?” I’m scheduled to continue my lessons in October, but that will probably be the last time before the close for the season in mid-November.

(more hang gliding pics)

US Open: Afterword

A train… another train… a friend… a subway… another subway.

The morning sun was shining and the temperature was comfortably warm. I walked along a tree-lined path to the line where I was to meet a friend who was a long-time US Open veteran. I found myself wondering things about the other people in line, some of which I could deduce from observation… was this their first time visiting the Open? Did they come from far away? Were they there with friends or family? Who were they there to see?

It was strange not having any idea what to expect, but since I would have the benefit of a friend’s experience, I was able to enjoy that feeling. Three of us met up, and when the gates opened, we ran (or jogged, depending on who you ask) to the grandstand.

Then I was there. At a tennis court at the US Open. It took a little time for me to realize where I was, after processing the unfamiliarity and anticipation of what would be my deepest immersion into tennis, to date. Eventually, the realization set in, but part of me was still amazed that I was there. Fortunately, there was time before the first match and we were there early enough to get good seats.

So began my US Open experience.

I’m not able to adequately describe my experience over the two days I was there. It was fun, exciting, and I was amazed by many things. I learned things I can use the next time I go, and as well as things I was able to use on the court. Saying that being there in-person adds an entire dimension feels like an understatement.

Needless to say, by the end, I decided that I definitely want to go back.

For reference, here is a list of the matches that I watched partially or entirely (13 total):

Thursday (day 4)

• Men's Singles - 2nd Rnd. - Andy Murray (GBR)[19] def Jonas Bjorkman (SWE) 5-7 6-3 6-1 4-6 6-1
• Women's Singles - 2nd Rnd. - Patty Schnyder (SUI)[11] def Severine Bremond (FRA) 6-3 6-0
• Women's Singles - 2nd Rnd. - Victoria Azarenka (BLR) def Dominika Cibulkova (SVK) 6-2 6-2
• Women's Singles - 2nd Rnd. - Maria Kirilenko (RUS) def Katarina Srebotnik (SLO)[22] 6-4 6-3
• Men's Singles - 2nd Rnd. - Sebastien Grosjean (FRA) def Max Mirnyi (BLR) 6-4 6-7(6) 6-4 6-3
• Men's Singles - 2nd Rnd. - Tommy Haas (GER)[10] def Philipp Petzschner (GER) 4-6 6-3 6-2 7-5
• Mixed Doubles - 1st Rnd. - Victoria Azarenka (BLR)/Max Mirnyi (BLR) def Lisa Raymond (USA)[1]/Nenad Zimonjic (SRB)[1] 6-7(6) 6-3 [10-3]

Friday (day 5)

• Women's Singles - 3rd Rnd. - Dinara Safina (RUS)[15] def Ahsha Rolle (USA) 6-4 6-3
• Men's Singles - 2nd Rnd. - Stanislas Wawrinka (SUI) def Marat Safin (RUS)[25] 6-3 6-3 6-3
• Men's Singles - 2nd Rnd. - Robby Ginepri (USA) def Teimuraz Gabashvili (RUS) 6-2 6-3 6-1*
• Women's Singles - 3rd Rnd. - Jelena Jankovic (SRB)[3] def Alize Cornet (FRA) 4-6 6-2 6-3
• Men's Doubles - 2nd Rnd. - Lukas Dlouhy (CZE)[9]/Pavel Vizner (CZE)[9] def Teimuraz Gabashvili (RUS)/Ivo Karlovic (CRO) 6-4 7-6(5)
• Men's Singles - 2nd Rnd.
  Agustin Calleri (ARG) def Lleyton Hewitt (AUS)[16] 4-6 6-4 6-4 6-2

* Pictured ball came from this match. (more US Open pics)