Sign Language - Update 1

It's been so long since I've written a post, I was surprised to see that the last one was about sign language, and here I am 5 weeks into an ASL course. I'm enjoying the class, the teacher has a great personality and is patient. At first, the classroom setting left a little to be desired, since there is much one-on-one that occurs, but now I appreciate that there is often clarification to be gained, and the moments that intersperse between being shown new signs helps to integrate and practice what is learned.

If you are interested in ASL, www.lifeprint.com is a great site.

Sign language

For as long as I can remember, I have been fascinated with sign language. I never learned it because I never needed to. I find it more expressive than spoken word, like dancing... it's body language.

I knew someone who was fluent in sign language when I lived in Arizona; once we went to a club and across a huge crowd, he saw someone he knew. Because of the high volume level, he was able to have a conversation with this person by signing all the way across the dance floor easier than with me, standing right next to him. I thought that was pretty neat.

At dinner on a business trip several years ago, a conversation began comparing being deaf and being blind. One of the project team members explained a perspective that has stuck with me ever since. Although most of the people were quick to say that they would select sight over hearing if they had to choose, one man said that he would definitely choose hearing over sight. And then there was silence.

He went on to explain that he had an opportunity to experience what it was like to be newly deaf. A device was placed in each of his ears that emitted a white noise that was loud enough to drown out sound, but soft enough that after some time, his brain stopped registering the noise, and he perceived hearing nothing at all.

The thing he noticed most was how isolated he felt from other people. If he wasn't looking at a person, they had no way of getting his attention other than touching him. And people quickly got tired, if not annoyed, and eventually ignored him completely.

I would like to learn sign language. Recently, a friend asked me why, and several reasons come to mind. The concept of communicating with gestures just seems natural to me. I think it would allow for a deeper connection because the nature of signing includes more than just hands, which allows deeper expression, and that appeals to me. I suspect my attention to detail would be a strength when learning to interpret other's signs (although I don't think it will be easy to learn).

Among other things, I try not to take my hearing for granted. Beyond the reasons described above, I can't help but wonder if there is some other possible purpose for knowing sign language that I'm not aware of yet. One obvious purpose is to be an interpreter, and although I can't rule that out, I would have my work cut out for me because my memory is not very good at that kind of thing. When I've helped a friend by taking dictation, I would often have to get her to repeat things because my mental "buffer" is pretty limited. I could probably work on improving that skill if I wanted to. Or, maybe it would just be an opportunity to communicate in-person with people whom I'm not currently able. All I can say is that I have a feeling that knowing sign language would bring me joy, and I've learned enough recently that I don't need to know why or how before doing something about it.

So, what's stopping me? What's holding me back? Well, I guess on some level, I don't think I have the "right" to know sign language since I don't "need" it. I have no direct connection to the deaf community. Practically, I don't (think) I know anyone who knows sign language, so I don't a way (much less a convenient way) to practice, which is crucial to learning.

Obviously, if I have a desire to connect with people using sign language, I have the right to learn it. Whether some people think otherwise isn't my concern. Even by writing this post, I may invite opportunities to present themselves.

After I finished typing the above paragraph, I succumbed to my compelling urge to Google "learn sign language" and within seconds, I was reading "Reflections of an ASL Student". And within seconds, after reading a few of his posts, I felt so inspired and supported at the same time.

I'm interested to see where I go with this...

I know nothing

I understand.
Things change from moment to moment.
The future is not predictable.
The present isn’t always what it seems.
The past doesn’t exist.
Only our perception of it.

I try.
My intuition guides me.
I make as few assumptions as possible.
When in doubt, I do nothing.

I know nothing.
Things are not known. They just are.

(Thanks to B. for prompting me to write this post.)

Message of the Spider

Over the last couple of weeks, I have considered what the spider might symbolize to me. Wisdom of connectedness has been my prevalent thought.

At some point last week, the name Susun Weed came to mind, for the first time in about five years, while I was walking to my car. I thought of her name when I noticed clover growing through the cracks in the sidewalk along my street, and recalled times when I’ve plucked and eaten their leaves.

Friday night, at my first drum circle, I mentioned my recent spider presence. One woman said that the spider is used frequently with “grandmother”.

At a friend’s house on Sunday, three times I relocated baby spiders which were dangling from my body.

Today, I took a couple minutes to look up spider symbology on the Web. There are many references, most having to do with dream interpretation, and although they made sense, nothing seemed to be significant. Then I recalled what the woman from Friday said, and I looked up “grandmother spider”.

There was Susun Weed. I clicked her site's link first (even though it was second in the list) and found a wonderful story of how everything is connected in the Web of Life.
I clicked the link listed first and found a fable of wisdom, where Grandmother Spider is titled Firebringer.

In the past month, I have been present at a couple of fire circles. Each time, I sang a song in my head:

Rise up o flame
By thy light's glowing
Show to us beauty
Vision and joy

When I learned this song, it was sung over and over, in a round, as the campfire was being lit. I had prided myself on becoming one of the few “one-match-fire” starters. (The key was dry blueberry twigs.) This was at the summer camp I attended for 10 years… where I first enjoyed the company of wolf spiders in my tent.

Message received… loud and clear.

It's all in my head

It seems that part of each lesson I learn is finding out there's more to learn. After reflecting upon tonight's discussion of how relationships can be a spiritual practice, I realize that when it comes to "romantic" relationships, I'm simply scared. I don't want to have an "attached" kind of relationship. I think I've been successful with friendly relationships, but have not even tried it with a lover, significant other, or whatever term you want to use.

Considering everything that would need to come together for me to even consider a close relationship - that quintessential spark, a connection, mutual attraction, general alignment of timing and interest to have a relationship, and last but not least, a very compatible idea of what a loving relationship is, from both of our perspectives - it seems unlikely enough to happen. Add to that the fact that I don't have the nonattachment thing down, which, given my track record pretty much guarantees a short-lived relationship, only fueled is my fear of pain (not just mine), and you have one person scared to get close.

And yes, I recognize these things - attachment, fear, pain - as being in my head. Maybe they won't always be there, but for the current moment, they are what I have instead of a hand in mine.

Spirit of the Spider

I'm not quite sure how to describe the significance of this, but I've noticed a prevalence of spiders or representations of spiders in my life lately. Admittedly, my appreciation of insects in general has been rekindled lately by a new friend who pointed out that she has a common interest, and spiders are quite interesting to me. But until today, I didn't notice the pattern of arachno-representation that has occurred subconsciously.

Last month, near the end of my transformational Woman Within Training (I will create a post about that, but for most it will probably be repetitive), we weaved a single web to represent our connectivity to one another. (It was really cool, but I won't go into detail so I don't spoil the fun for anyone else.) Afterward, I decided that my drummer character in my Rock Band video game needed some ink. Despite many designs to choose from, I placed a spider tattoo on her arm.

Since then, I believe it was Wednesday, June 4, I walked to a local restaurant for a yummy pizza to take home, and because a new, local art studio/shop had their doors open late, I browsed while I waited for my hand-tossed goodness. There were many beautiful things in the shop from jewelry, clothes, and furniture, but one thing caught my attention. Yes, a spider.

Two days later, for the town's First Friday event, I met some friends for a bite to eat. Afterwards, I walked them to the studio and had another opportunity to see the spider. I showed it to my friends, and may have had a slight inkling of the idea that I would purchase it, but my mindset lately has been to only spend money on things that were important to me, and this was nonfunctional (even though technically, it is a box that you can put something small in), so I dismissed the thought.

To my surprise, sometime during that following week, I had a fear that someone else would buy the spider. So I decided at that point that if the spider was still in the studio the next time I visited, I would inquire about the price and seriously consider purchasing it.

Over the course of yesterday, I encountered three live spiders. And without any conscious plans to do so, I found myself in the position to visit the studio again last evening, exactly one week after my previous visit. Realizing this opportunity to buy the spider, I shared my excitement with a friend who was accompanying me, as well as my dismay when I learned that it wasn't for sale. After my friend patiently listened to a sales pitch on a piece of jewelry (and stopped listening after hearing the price), the salesperson disclosed that the shop two doors down sells the spiders.

Being late, that shop wasn't open, but after running into some friends this morning for breakfast, we all walked down to the shop and I purchased the spider. And I am happy with my decision.

Anyway, I didn't intend for this to be some boring recount of a trinket purchase - I know I can be long-winded at times. To summarize, I guess I'm just interested to find out what spirit of the spider has to say to me. :)

Symbol of Summer

There are many things people associate with the summer; the most popular is probably beach-related. Although I love the feeling of sand in my toes and being in and near water, the beach “lifestyle” isn’t really my thing. And sure, there are the sports of the season, but again, not really my thing. This excludes tennis of course, but tennis isn’t a symbol of Summer for me as much as a symbol of non-Winter. :)

When I saw my first firefly of the season yesterday, my mind was immediately filled with memories of summer dusks filled with the songs of the wilderness permeating the heavy, cooling air in that rare and magic time of transition where everything is balanced. At the height of visual contrast where light things are lighter and dark things are darker, exactly between night and day, the rhythms and cycles of life on Earth perpetuate. In honor of the beauty of this magic time, I choose the firefly as my symbol for Summer.

What is your symbol of Summer? If you want to share, feel free to leave a comment.

I'm not surprised

I'm no longer surprised by how wonderfully things work out when you just let them. Nor by the signs along the way that confirm what you experienced was not a coincidence.

Although I like the idea of listing all such examples I have experienced lately, the reason I'm no longer surprised by them is because they have occurred so frequently. Therefore I will simply share the one from today which (so far) seemed the most intricate (from my current perspective).

First, some background. So far, pottery has been the hobby of mine that has "survived" the longest - I was doing it off & on for 10 years. However, I haven't made pottery since my second miscarriage in December 2004. Even though I had my own kick wheel in my basement, I "dropped" it right between firings, so I have bisqueware that has never been glazed. I never even contacted Pauline, the artist/instructor/owner of the studio (where I had pieces fired), to say I wasn't coming back, because I didn't know I wasn't going back. Days went by, then weeks, then months. Then when I saw the new architecture firm sign on the studio storefront window, I knew the it had been sold.

After awhile, I learned of the new Art Center in town, and found out from the website that Pauline was an instructor there. I still didn't contact her as I hadn't returned to making pottery, but I was happy to know she was there. Years went by; a divorce; months went by as I adjusted to life on my own.

A couple months ago, I explained to a new friend, over coffee, that I still have a few remaining items in my ex's house, including my pottery wheel. She suggested that I look for art studios in town that might be looking for wheels to see if I could keep it there, let others use it, and perhaps be able to use the space. I gave her full credit for the idea, and immediately thought of that new art center where Pauline teaches. Yet, I never acted on it.

Since then, it has been in the back of my mind, and every once in awhile, I think of Pauline. Today was such a day when I thought of her.

On my way home from work, traffic was backed up because I left a later than usual. I wanted to pick up some books from the library, and although I had planned on driving home, and then walking to the library (with the book I wanted to return), I instead had an impulse to just stop at the library while traffic was stopped anyway, and the library was on my route. I found the two books I wanted, browsed and picked up a third, checked them out, and as I was walking toward the exit, I saw Pauline.

We talked for a good while, got caught up, and she gave me a couple of names of people whom I might contact to either share studio space or possibly buy my wheel. (I'm not sure what I want to do yet.) And because this was also not her usual library run either, we reveled in the perfection of running into each other, after 3.5 years. But I wasn't surprised. :)

Perfection

Regarding self-acceptance, I may have mentioned how truly understanding the concept of not being perfect freed me from the negativity surrounding my failure to live up to my own expectations, thus allowing myself to do what I wanted to do without fear of self-punishment.

My current perspective is quite different.

I no longer fear being alone because I am never alone. Nor is anyone.

I no longer think that I don’t deserve joy, because everyone does.

I no longer need love because I always have it. Just like everyone.

I no longer care what others think. OK, maybe I do. But not in the same way as before.

I am perfect. Everyone and everything is perfect. And as is everyone, I am free to be. Me.

My Purpose

My entire life has been preparation to receive the words I was given yesterday. Although the specifics of how are not yet clear, my purpose of being is.

It is literally the last thing I thought I would be. (I thought I had a greater likelihood of being a politician!) But in a sense, that’s what makes it perfect. Even though it makes sense on many levels, I am not ready to announce what I am for various reasons.

Practically, although there may be suitable words to describe my purpose, the limiting (labeling) nature of language and certain connotations potentially narrow or redirect what is true. Therefore, I haven't chosen the words yet. Well, there are some general words, but sharing them at this point would be like an episode of TV's Lost, where there are more questions at the end than the beginning.

Personally, I choose to be free of external approval, support (or disapproval). I have only consciously lived with this knowledge for a day so far, so I am experiencing swings between the extremes of instinctual knowing and rational doubt. Explaining things right now just wouldn't serve anyone.

Respectfully, the reason I mentioned this at all, particularly in-person to friends today, was to share something of my life. It was/is not my intent to "tease" or withhold information; the details will unfold naturally.

Trust me, I want details too... how do I? when do I? what if this? what if that?
**SCREECHING HALT!!!*** Psychological time, anyone?

Phew! yeah... in the meantime I choose to stay present and centered. :)

I appreciate your understanding and patience.

Case for Pleasure

I finally got around to reading Chapter 1 (PDF) of Mama Gena's School of Womanly Arts. It's interesting, and while I totally support the case for pleasure, I do see that I am missing out in various ways. Anyway, here are a couple of tidbits that I attempt to incorporate into my life:

"...true generosity does not occur unless you give from your own surplus. In other words, until you have yours, you don't have anything to give others. Some people can experience surplus when they have a dollar in their pocket. Some feel poverty when they have a million dollars."

"A little secret I'm going to share with you here is that getting your bliss starts with finding the bliss WHERE YOU ARE."

And a relatively new adoption for me, "Don't bother to deconstruct your intuition. Asking why is like trying to figure out a very complex puzzle, and its solution, if you happen upon it, is not always very interesting."..."Most of us get really hung up on the long, crooked, ungratifying trip into Why Things Are the Way They Are. This trip is usually a big maze with no cheese at the end. The problem with looking for the why of it all is that you never really, truly find it. And if you do, it doesn't necessarily make your life any better." Who knew? ;)

"And a key step... is to party, rigorously, from where you are."

Possible BIID-related movie

About a year ago, I read a news article about a woman who wanted her legs removed from her body. It was a fascinating first-person account that was removed from the website shortly after I found it. However, I discovered that there are others like her, who have what psychiatrists call BIID (Body Integrity Identity Disorder).

Anyway, I immediately thought that it would be a great subject for a movie. Lo and behold, today I happened upon Quid Pro Quo, to be released on Friday, June 13, 2008... which is the same release date for M. Night Shyamalan's The Happening.

Official site: Quid Pro Quo
Apple trailer site: Quid Pro Quo

Memorial Day

I remember those who sacrificed
in ways I cannot imagine.

I respect the choices of those who stepped up
when they were called.

I honor the freedom they fought for
by living true.

Blog depurpose

I have changed a lot in recent months, so I’m officially “depurposing” my blog from chronicling my personal growth in a structured way, as I previously set out to do with the initial blog repurpose. This isn’t to say that I won’t still write about my growth; on the contrary, as in a sense, living is growing. But I choose not to have a specific purpose defined that may restrict or otherwise direct the content I create. I will simply share what feels right, as I don’t presume to comprehend the purpose of everything, which includes what I write here.

Shadow and Light

I am shadow.
Nonexistent in light
Hidden in plain sight

My presence has no consequence
Nor my absence

Under cover of my darkness
Lie unknown things
That die or grow.

I am light.
Knowledge for seeing
Truth that is for being

Giving warmth that deepens mine
Into eyes I shine

Compassionate balance
I am whole
As day and night.

Nothing

There is no hope - only what is.
Lost.

Never again will I experience such joy.
I am alone
and always will be.

No attachment
to happiness, to others.
I am better without the good.

Comfort is always there
in emptiness.

Freedom from "in"

I've often struggled to reconcile the incredibly varied types of connections/relationships I can have (and would enjoy!) with people, against what I've been taught is prudent, acceptable, appropriate, etc. Over time, I have simply suppressed my own expression in order to conform to societal rules (or what I thought the societal rules were).

I have recently been working very hard at identifying which aspects of my expression are results of conditioning, and addressing them consciously. However, last Saturday, through a strange circumstance, I gained access to unconscious conditioning that I had not previously been able to see, much less discard. It took me a day and a half to process it, and I came out on the other side a new person. Now I am free from those dictated ways of relating because I have the clarity to see that it's purely up to the individuals involved, and includes being aware, honest, respectful, and conscious. The past five days have been a miraculous, validating whirlwind of meaning, clarity, opportunity, love, and joy.

---

So I'm toying with the concept that being "in love", "in a relationship", or "in a marriage" is as confining as the very word "in" suggests. To be "in" something is to assume that there is some inherent boundary that separates, or limits, what is contained within and without. And the thing with boundaries is that they must be agreed upon to avoid some level of conflict. In the realm of feelings, the proverbial "line in the sand" leads a much more unpredictable existence than its physical counterpart due to its nature of having a plethora of factors and conditions that affect every aspect of it, at any given time.

I can relate with someone. I can feel love for someone. But do I ever want to be "in" something? I know it’s semantic, but I actually think that it’s the existence of these "predefined" sets of boundaries (and what they are presumed to contain) that create the expectations and obligations that, although accepted, are not actually reasonable in many cases.

Day whatever

I think using this blog to chronicle a 100-day experience of inner peace has run its course for me. When I started, I was pretty sure I wouldn't finish it; however, I thought it would last longer than 20 days. :)

I go through phases, and when one begins, I have no way of knowing how long it will last.
I typically write for one of three reasons:

1.) To sort things out
2.) To record things I want to remember or be able to refer to
3.) To express things that may be helpful to one person who happens across my blog.

In the beginning, it was helpful to have something guiding the topics of my posts, but the phase began to dwindle after it began feeling more like an obligation. Therefore, I hereby withdraw my participation in the disciplined sense but will continue in the spirit by sharing thoughts and experiences regarding inner peace, whenever the words to describe them find their way into my head.

Day 20 - Enough to wonder

(OK, C - this post is for you.)

I can relate to the recognition of good fortune, and how the joyous revelation of gratitude can fill your spirit with a profound love of life and all it entails. Although I wouldn't say it was polar opposite, my experience was quite different from another's.

The event was seeing a new friend perform a gig at a Philly restaurant/bar. The background is that I had met him through another friend and had gotten to know him some personally over the previous couple weeks. However, not knowing anyone in the "music biz", I was a little apprehensive about seeing the entertainment aspect as it was completely unfamiliar. I can't explain it rationally, but I didn't want to appear like a groupie. Nor did I really want to watch a bunch of groupies vie for his attention. (Yes, I have an inherent jealous tendency, but I have worked at lessening its intensity, and if I may say so, I do a pretty good job at hiding it.) Although I wanted to see him perform, only when I knew he actually wanted me there would I have gone.

Other contributing factors included being with people I didn't know or didn't know well, during the drive to & from the city, and during dinner (the food was really good). And, I'm uncomfortable in bars. This discomfort proved distracting, and made me more susceptible to other external distractions which made it difficult to enjoy his performance, which was pretty awesome.

Although its memory conjures mixed feelings, I'm glad I went, as it helped to build experience and relationships. Not every growth experience is a pleasant one.

It may be presumptuous for me to call it a growth experience, as I'm still not sure what the "lesson" is. It may have simply been an opportunity for me to express my support for someone actively pursuing their passion, an example of which there cannot be too many.

Day 19

Dream: I was in an unfamiliar yoga class in a dimly lit room with about 25-30 people. We were all standing in a circle, facing counter-clockwise (looking at the back of the person to our right.) Everyone was singing a song that sounded like something that is sung in a Christian church, except for me. Everyone was holding a similar trinket at their heart-center except for me. When the instructor passed by, she asked me if she had given me whatever it was (I don't remember what it was exactly or what she called it). I said no, and she gave me one. I felt strongly that I didn't belong, so I left. I can't recall whether I snuck out right then, during the singing, or whether I waited for it to end and left quickly.

After leaving, I reflected on how there were several different "ritual" type practices in the class, and that it wasn't what I expected or enjoyed. It was as if I was only there as a trial, but still had a positive outlook, if not expectation.

The next thing I remember is that I was in some sort of household/craft store, talking to Hannah, an artist from TV's tattoo shop reality show, LA Ink. We walked around and talked like we were buds, and I told her about the yoga class. She challenged me with questions about why I felt the way I did, but I don't remember what was said, specifically.

Commentary: The idea of things not being what they seem (or are advertised to be) sticks in my head. Yoga has been on my mind because I've not been practicing for a few weeks, and I'm trying to figure out how I feel about that (Read: I'm trying not to beat myself up over not doing something I "should" do). The feeling of being where I don't belong is familiar, as a sense of belonging is pretty foreign to me. It might be tied to how I feel like something is missing. I think Hannah appeared because when I picked up my bicycle from the shop today, one of the employees asked me about my septum piercing because he wants one. He then talked about the tattoo/piercing shops he's been to. Otherwise, it doesn't make sense to me as I don't like shopping, and I don't have a tattoo. Admittedly, the idea of tattoos is intriguing, and I find it interesting to see (yes, through a camera lens) different people talk about their reasons for getting a tattoo, and the work itself can be beautiful.

Day 18

The topic of spiritual practice came up last night in a discussion, and I found it interesting to hear the different ways people defined what a spiritual practice meant to them. I certainly have a broader perspective now on things that I do and ways that I am that are spiritual. In my mind, "practice" connotes disciplined repetition, so I guess there are many moments that, although I would describe them as blissful or euphoric, I never recognized as being spiritual.

Thinking about these things newly categorized as spiritual, I can't help but notice that there is a common characteristic. I can't control when they happen, they just do. I actually can't remember if I created a post about it, but I've toyed with the concept of enjoying life as actually having as many of "those moments" as possible. So, I guess a spiritual practice for me would be doing what supports being in those moments.

Day 17

I was in my head a lot today. I was experiencing feelings that I wasn't comfortable with, and my knee-jerk reaction is to analyze what I feel, try to determine why I feel the way I do, and make a judgment, "This is good/this is bad." If it's good, I relish it; if it's bad, I try to rationalize my way out of it. So in other words, I found myself in an overthinking loop.

Fortunately, timing was on my side, as catching up with a friend in the afternoon was naturally grounding, and I was able to enjoy the rest of my day with a more healthy perspective.

Day 15 and 16 - Your heartbreak was not in vain

Saturday, I was a vegetable due to a bad headache. But I believe that it might have been necessary in order to embrace an experience I had following morning.

At my Sunday breakfast counter of choice, Irish Joe's, I brought my copy of Ascent of Humanity to read while waiting and eating. (No Charles, I have not forgotten the importance of mindfully savoring food... baby steps.) I had skipped to a chapter on the conversion of life into money, and was reading the Social Capital subchapter when I came across this passage near the end:

Our outward casualness could not insulate us from the wrenching, liberating, shattering power of sexual love to open a door to the soul. I wonder if any of my girlfriends from that time will read this? If so, I want you to know that even if I then seemed a hopeless cad, your love turned deep invisible keys in my soul. Your heartbreak was not in vain. What you gave me, I needed for my future opening.

Your heartbreak was not in vain.

Exactly.

I wept. I was high. The food exploded with flavor that wasn't in the previous bite.

Finally, I can let go. Now that I know it wasn't all for nothing. For me as well as those I have hurt.

Day 11, 12, 13, and 14

Is this cheating? Not when you make up your own rules! :)

It's been quite a week; in a good way. I decided not to force a blog post when words didn't come. I haven't been remembering dreams lately, but I have been trying subtly new and different ways of being in the world. I am taking a more active role in making connections with people, although I'm trying my best to do it in a balanced way. That is, not overextending myself or my freedom, nor being forward, but trying to remaining open so when situations arise that I want to explore, I am able to.

So far, I've been amazed at how things seem to work themselves out when I let go of trying to control things and go with the flow, happily. In the past few days, things have seemed simple. I feel like I'm able to access the joy of life a little more easily than before.

Day 10

Another wonderful day. One of the things I like about myself is that I can get excited. I usually try not to express it to others (another topic for another time), but I’m at least beginning to recognize that this is one way that my instinct manifests. The excitement comes from within, and my mind is left to decide how to respond to it, which usually results in overthinking with an undercurrent of self-doubt. “Oh, it’s probably not a good idea. Bad things could happen.” But, times are a-changing. The new script is “Hey, this idea is intriguing. I feel good about it, so things could happen that bring me joy.”

The most recent outcome of this new script is my involvement with a local Time Bank. Most of us like to do good deeds. The time bank is a way to exchange good deeds, kind of like a barter system, without having to make an exchange both ways with the same person. This results in only doing what you want to do for someone; and if there’s something you need, there are more people who might be willing to do it for you.

Participating in the Time Bank might be one way to strenghten my connections with others in a healthy way, which I believe will support my effort to be more authentic.

Day 9

I hope things start making sense soon.

Fortunately, I've gotten more comfortable being on my own. This is a little embarrassing, but I'll share it anyway. After I went grocery shopping today, I got really excited over the fact that I went out and got what I wanted, instead of what I "should have" gotten. Even though the actual items might not have been that much different, the change in mindset is important to me.

I'm also a little more comfortable with certain relationships. Well, to be more exact, the moments when I'm more comfortable are becoming more frequent and last a little longer.

As for the big areas that I'm struggling with, I'm doing the best I can.

Day 8

Anyone who has been following my self-development knows that I've been trying to heed my instincts a lot more. I've discovered that one of the obstacles to following through on my instinct is that my Ego influences how strong I perceive the instinct to be. For example, it I have a feeling that I should pursue something, and I actually want to, the instinct feels very strong; however, if it's something that I'm not particularly keen on, the instinct isn't as strong, and it gets muddied with all of my other feelings of self-doubt, which makes the instinct more difficult to identify.

Oh yeah, and I remembered a dream. I was riding in a car with a friend, and I heard a strange noise. I looked in the back seat, and someone had put a baby in the car. I reached and picked it up as it started crying and I tried to comfort it. The baby's eyes were changing color, and it could actually talk. I tried to comfort it and find out where it's mother was, but I woke up shortly after the conversation started.

Commentary: Weird. (And no, this isn't any sort of prophetic dream; most of my friends are going through the "having a baby" stage.)

Day 7

Dream: I had a dream that I was on a cruise with some random dreamland friends. We docked in an inlet where there was room for multiple cruise liners, but ours was the first ship there. When we disembarked, we walked on a narrow a wooden pathway with high rails to prevent you from falling into the water. This walkway also bridged over docks. The weather was warm, but I'm not sure if it was actually a tropical locale. Plants and flower pots were everywhere, even along the narrow walkway. At one point, when the walkway made a 90-degree turn to become parallel to the dirt walkway on land, I noticed a small cat sitting in the corner of that turn. What surprised me was that it didn't seem to mind the seemingly endless parade of feet that came perilously close to it. The cat was tortoise-shell-colored, so it was camouflaged very well in the shade of all the plants, but I was pleased to see it appear so inaffected by all the activity.

The only other thing I remember is trying to get back to my cabin, but being stuck on a deck on the ship where there was only one ramp where you could get to another level, and you could only go up. I was trying to go down, and couldn't find my way. Finally, I realized that in the time that passed when I was off the ship, other ships came into the port and I was actually on the wrong ship.

Commentary: Not sure about the significance of the cruise specifically, but I have been on several. The location felt like a place I wanted to be. Being unable to get where I wanted to go on the ship may be a way of pointing out that I've accepted the confines of my current "situation" when I should just hop off the ship and begin my new life.

Day 6

I remember a few dreams from last night, but nothing that seems profound at the moment.

1. T won $2.5 million and said he would split it with me. One morning I got a call from him on my cell phone saying he won $2.5 million. I was outside, walking to my car, and somehow, I immediately knew that he won the money from a Bennigan's restaurant gamepiece, like what I saw two days ago in real life. I remember being glad he wanted to split it with me, but I struggled with what would be the right thing to do because I didn't want to take advantage of him and any feelings of obligation. We had a conversation about it, just like we do about everything, where he says something, and I question whether he's sure because he doesn't sound confident in his decision. Which then gets percieved as me not preferring whatever it is, and he starts to reconsider. Becuase I like ideals, I would want him to give me the money because he wants to, not because he feels obligated to. I need to stop trying to police others' reasons and judging whether or not they are "moral".

Commentary: This is probably just "inspired" by actual events like tearing the game piece only to find free mozzarella sticks (the grand prize was a trip for 2 to Ireland). And T is providing the court's filing fees for our divorce papers, so I could just be feeling guilty about some things.

2. I was working with R on designing new business cards for the company. In real life, R recently transferred to my company's marketing department, and in my dream, he ran a business card design by me. I excitedly tore it apart, offering design-savvy suggestions and feeling very confident about my contributions. I remember quite a lot of detail about the actual design that was presented to me as well as my suggestions.

Commentary: I've recently offered my services to help a local business-owner by picking up the pieces from another graphic designer to have a store-front sign made. Add to that the fact that at my job, I still haven't gotten "on a roll" in my new position, and I'm starting to question how good a fit it is.

3. I talked with a man from Oklahoma at a Jeopardy studio audience in Valley Forge, PA. I was walking with a group of people in Valley Forge Park. The group was stretched out, and a man from Oklahoma was walking next to me and we started talking. He asked me questions about me, but I had a hard time talking to him because he kept walking ahead of me. (Which is very weird because I walk fast and usually have to slow down to not away from other people.) We entered an auditorium where there were seats on-stage for potential Jeopardy contestants, but this man and I were only loosely interested in playing along to answer questions, and had no desire to become contestants.

Commentary: I am going on a hike this Saturday with a group of people I've never met, and I do drive through Valley Forge Park every workday. I have no idea who the guy was, and I have no idea what triggered the Jeopardy game show.

Day 5 Self-acceptance

For me, the first level self-acceptance was realizing that much of what I am is a result of my experience. This allowed me to redirect energy from self-criticism to self-evaluation and improvement.

After that, applying the understanding of what it meant to not be perfect granted me the same rights as everyone else to live imperfectly, without self-induced punishment. (Barring abuse of these rights, of course.)

Once enough time passed, my way of thinking shifted to a more self-accepting perspective. I realized that since I could not change the past, I could not change the effect it has had on me, and therefore they way I am. At the same time, I have the freedom to make choices that affect me now and in the future. Since I am imperfect, I can only try to make the best choices in any given situation; and if hindsight suggests it may not have been the best choice, it's not reasonable to actually make that assumption.

Interestingly, I've applied these levels of acceptance to other people, and it's been difficult applying them to myself. This is also the case with a new level of acceptance (that I will get to in a minute), but there also seems to be a merge point between self-acceptance and my fear of judgment.

I have struggled to remember that others' judgments are meaningless in the grand scheme of things. I think one reason for this is that my Ego likes to be validated, which is the result of being judged positively - being accepted. But what good is it to be accepted, if it's meaningless?

Although an amazing chain of events occured to mentally bring me to this point, the catalyst was a quote,"It's better to be hated for what you are than loved for what you're not." So, my next level of self-acceptance is to identify those judgments that DO matter... my own.

I appreciate other people for what they are, but for myself, I concentrate on what I'm not, which is counter-productive. In that vein, if I apply to myself what I apply to others, I will be more self-accepting.

Day 4

I don't have any dreams or general topics of spirituality to discuss, but my day was filled with enjoyable moments, which are worthy of reflection and gratitude.

Tasty coffee in the morning.*
Lunch with a friend, during which we had good food and interesting conversation.
I received a vase of ten daffodils, like all the women in my office, from a male manager above them.
I left my comfort zone to talk to someone in the office I had seen at the gym when I go to play racquetball (and survived!)
I played racquetball.
I had an enjoyable dinner with a friend and drove them home after dropping off their car for service.
I was able to help another friend with a logo for her business.
And I'm writing about all of it, which for some reason, is enjoyable...

* Some say it's an addiction and therefore bad. To me it is more a ritual of doing something for myself, as I drive into an office to do hours and hours of work for someone else. There I go justifying myself. :)

Justification

I (loosely) participated in a good group discussion about the Ego, but my example didn't occur to me until I got home. I say loosely because my only contribution was the idea of fearing judgment. Even though my EGO likes to believe I'm above it, this fear actually does has a HUGE effect on me sometimes. Yet, I think a significant manifestation of my ego is my knee-jerk reaction to justify myself. An example (a very relevant one, I think) would be religion.

We all judge others on some level and I try my best not to judge unfairly. I admitted to being a little anxious, so I hope what I write is taken in the spirit in which it's intended.

It was made clear tonight that at least a couple members of the discussion group are Christians. Anyone who knows me or has read my previous post probably knows I do not consider myself to be Christian. I'm embarrassed to admit that immediately, if for only a moment, I wrote-off the possibility of future gatherings with this group because if this. Not because I would not accept them, but because I feared that as soon as they found out I wasn't a Christian, they wouldn't accept me.

[Now, I know this is illogical, but I've seen stranger things happen. AND being this open and honest demonstrates my faith that they are reasonable.]

I followed a minivan all the way home with a couple bumper stickers, "Who would Jesus bomb?" and "God bless everyone. No exeptions." I didn't really think anything of it, but it prompted me to consider what not being Christian means to me, which is what resulted in that ridiculous internal dialog. The first answer that comes to mind is that I feel I need to justify myself. Because I don't follow a specific religion, I'm somehow not as worthy of the great things life has to offer. Again, yes, I know... ridiculous. But I think that's Ego-driven.

Anyway, this is only a post about self-observance, which supports my idea of focusing on my spirituality, and is not meant to make any judgments on Christianity or the friendly people from the discussion group. :)

Day 3

No memory of dreams today. So, I guess I should ruminate on my other focus. Keep in mind that I tend to understand things better from a top-down perspective, so we'll start with general concepts (which is pretty much all I have at the moment) and become more detailed as things become clearer.

How do I define my spirituality?

My spirituality is my recognition, acceptance, and alignment with my soul's true expression. My soul's true expression is a state free of ego (and therefore conditioning), where there is no separation between my "authentic self" and the Universe. In another word, Enlightenment.

I'm under no supposition that I will achieve Enlightenment in my lifetime, but I believe that through developing my spirituality, I will be able to make the most of the time I have.

Recognition
Knowing borne from stillness, serendipitous "messages from the Universe", gut feelings, and the like, come to the mind from within - where our soul's are connected to all. Recognition of these as things by which use of the mind shall manifest is a valuable lesson in finding my path.

Acceptance
Trust is faith is knowing is acceptance. To use a positive analogy, when you trust a friend, you have faith in them. You know they will come through for you, which is an acceptance of a truth. (Pure logicians out there are suffering brain hemorrhages right now.)

"What I recognized, is truth."

Alignment
Once I have recognized and accepted the truth from within, my actions and expressions must align with that truth in order to be authentic.

I'm reminded of one quality described by Suze Orman as that of a wealthy woman. Harmony and Balance. Simply put, harmony within yourself is reached when what you think, feel, say, and do, are the same.

It is that harmony with the Universe that ultimately merges into one, with Enlightenment.

Day 2

Happy Easter.

I awoke this morning at 9am, after sleeping for 27 of the previous 32 hours. There are numerous possible causes, but since I really don't know which one, I'm not going to bother speculating. There were some weird dreams, though. Well, I guess it would be one drawn-out morphing type dream. And, unfortunately, I didn't get a chance to write about it earlier, so much of memory has faded.

Although I normally patronize Irish Joe's for Sunday breakfast, they were closed today so I went to La Creperie. The food was good, and I was entertained at the counter by a couple of the waitresses, Jill and Monica. I wasn't sure what I was going to do today, but I ended up setting up my "office" upstairs, which until this morning, I had no idea how to go about it. Yet, all of a sudden, a new arrangement came to me, and I've been enjoying it all day as I pass by. All I need is a lamp of some sort and a three-prong extension cord, and I will be golden.

It's Easter... and spiritually, I have nothing. On to the dream...

Dream: What I remember involves playing in a band without knowing how to play any of the instruments. Kinda like the band felt sorry for me, so I was part of the band without actually playing anything. Anyway, I'm outside at night, the only light around was amber-colored streetlights. A man and a woman walk up to me and start asking me questions about what I do in the band. The man was older and wore an overcoat and a hat. He didn't say anything. The woman was younger, maybe close to my age. She was pretty, with long, blond hair, and was wearing what looked like a faded, light yellow graphic tee with the drawing of a tree of some sort. The leaves on the tree were little hearts. The woman asked me questions and I explained my situation in great detail as we went through each instrument. Afterward she seemed to understand, and she offered to help me. I came to the revelation that I could help support the band by designing a logo, fliers, etc.

I went to my bedroom in some house to grab some belongings and return to the woman, and my Father comes in to find out what I'm doing. I think I was hoping to leave without him and my Mom noticing, but since he intersected me, I anticipated resistance and became immediately emotional. Lo and behold, the Universe was there for me however, as my Dad was wearing a t-shirt with the same design as the woman. I explained that I was going to get help, and I knew it was a good thing because she was wearing the same design on her shirt. I specifically remember pointing to the graphic on his shirt, which was pretty much eye-level as he is 6'4". I remember being very excited.

That's all I can remember coherently enough to write about. At some point, I was lying on a bed talking with my friend D, but I no longer remember details of what we were talking about.

Day 1

I'm not feeling very rested today, and I hadn't had much time to plan what I want to do before T called about me going to the house to pick up some more of my stuff. I went along with the idea as I had nothing else pressing. The most productive thing I did was drop off our bicycles for their annual tune-ups. I had zero energy and didn't end up taking any stuff home, but I did spend some time over there organizing/separating out some of my stuff for when I do.

Anyway, no spiritual stuff today, but I do remember some dreams...

Dream 1: I'm at a tennis tournament, and although I went on my own, I separately ran across friends. Most of my focus was on finding a good seat, and I didn't really know who was playing. Also, it was outside, in the rain. But, it wasn't too bad because in dreamland, although it was a little chilly, the rain felt warm, and you never really got wet; you could feel the rain hitting you, but it would quickly evaporate. At one point I sat next to N who told me I was breathing loud. Later, I sat next to R with my camera and laptop. As soon as decided to put my camera away, a great photo-op occurred so I missed it. Then it was dark and I was confused as to why my laptop was emitting so much light even though it was closed. (I think that in real life, I was annoyed at the light coming into my room. Yes, I slept in late; I was up late.) At some point, I moved toward the rear of the stands where there was an unattended snack bar.

Dream 2: I was lying in bed with one of my cats, Majik, and he was chewing on something (as he often does). I had to pat the covers down to see what he was doing, and he had the dangerous end of a large feather in his mouth. I went to pull it out of his mouth gently, but it turned out to be a REALLY long feather, and was down his throat. When it came out entirely, there was blood on it. Then the phone rang. (Telemarketer in real-life.)

Dream 3: Ever since I moved into my place, I have wanted to do something about the curtains on my windows because too much light comes in. In my dream, there were also blinds on the windows, and I had just discovered them after 3 months and felt like an idiot.

100 Days of Peace

OK, I'll play.

I want to discover what is missing.
I want to discover who I really am by tossing aside the conditioning that doesn't align with my spirit's true expression.

Aside from my regular personality work, which a lot of this blog has been dedicated to already, I think dreams and spirituality are good places for me to focus on these next 100 days.

Let's see what happens.

What I like about me

Those who know me understand that I tend to have a less than positive opinion of myself due to my ruthless inner critic. Although I have made headway in redirecting that energy, there is still a lot conditioning that has to be recognized as such and discarded in order for my authentic self to emerge and truly participate in, and contribute to, life.

Those who don't know me but have seen my blog may come to a similar conclusion, as although there is a positive direction to my efforts, I've noticed that most of my focus has been on my weaknesses and flaws. Although I have to look at them in order to change, the extent to which I'm doing so may contribute to my unbalanced view of myself.

In that vein, and not to be vain, I use this post, on this 35th anniversary of my birth, to acknowledge the things that I like about myself.

I...

• enjoy nature; tress, animals, bugs, etc.
• cherish moments.
  
• notice details.
  
• have much capacity for love.
  
• want to help.
  
• see opportunities for improvement, but want to stay true to what is right.
  
• assume people mean well.
  
• can be intense.
  
• usually pick up subtle hints.
  
• like to solve problems.

My world is shrinking

Some have chosen the "other side". Some have fallen off the face of the Earth. Some have had their own worlds change so much that their focus is elsewhere.

One by one, I am losing the relationships that I thought would last forever.

But I've not lost all hope. My world will re-emerge eventually, perhaps in a different dimension, and it will be much different (better) this time.

~~~~~~~

The "Black Hole" art that accompanies this post was created by Sven Geier, and supplied on a gallery page of his web site brought to me by a Google Images search. Pretty cool. :)

My relationship with money

I realized recently that my relationship with money is dysfunctional. Plus, it's mixed in with my sense of self-worth, which is obviously messed up.

I need to become more aware of what my money can do for me, and make sure that I make the best decisions I can on ways to take care of it. So in the end, it will take care of me.

As I become more knowledgeable and confident around my financial decisions, perhaps the entanglement of self-worth will unravel a bit so that I can recognize my true worth.

Sensitivity

Some days I feel people are too sensitive, and other days I feel that people are not respectful enough. In general, I think much effort is misplaced on using politically correct language than actually becoming knowledgeable about unfamiliar aspects of the world and the people in it.

Personal traps

Someone told me today that I was being impatient and defensive. Funny thing is, I saw it coming, but seemed to offend when I tried to end the conversation, so the inevitable occurred. At any rate, I appreciated the honesty and simply replied that I didn't mean to be. (Wow, I've come a long way; but I still have a long way to go.)

Anyway, this got me thinking about traps I fall into and in some cases, the logic that allows me to escape their grasp. Many of these are sub-types of over-thinking things, but deserve individual mention. And as a disclaimer, yes, I know a lot of these are obvious to many, and it may even sound silly that I am talking about them, but it's my blog, and I can say what I want. :)

Trap #1: It was something I did. Although I have the best intentions and try only to say and do what is honest, yet considerate, there are still times I miss the mark. But, more times than not, I place an over-importance of myself in a given situation, and find that there are plenty of other things that affect someone more than little old me.

Trap #2: Being defensive. Believe it or not, until today, I didn't see the difference between being defensive and simply being argumentative. I may not have it completely right, but my new persective on being defensive is the reaction I have when I'm told something that I interpret as being told that I am wrong. For example, imagine I said I wanted to play more tennis and someone told me to join a league. An honest and considerate answer would be: "I have thought of that, but it's not really feasible for me because of my skill level, fees, and so on."An argumentative response would be, "that wouldn't work." A defensive answer would be, "But I can't because I'm not skilled enough and it would cost to much money and I don't know of any leagues anyway." It might not be the best example, but I'm often told that it's the tone of my responses, too.

Trap #3: Being overcritical of others. I expect others to live up to my unreasonable standard of behavior. This is (at least) a two-fold issue. So, I just try to remember that each person is responsible for themselves, and it's not really possible for me to apply my standards on them because they are not me, and have different lives.

Trap #4: Scorched earth. The most dangerous trap for me as it can cause me to unnecessarily sabotage things. It's quite silly from a logical point of view, but if one aspect of something is not right and can't be made right, the entire thing is worthless and should be discarded. The only thing that saves me from this is to just be aware of my thoughts and try to apply logic to them before I do anything I'd regret.

I know I need to lighten up. My Mom has been saying that to me for YEARS.

If only I could neutralize my ego...

Tennis season begins

It felt so good to be on the tennis court today. I attended a meetup at the Southampton Tennis Club and played on clay courts for the first time. Not only did I have to shake off the rust of not playing all winter, I had to readjust from racquetball. I'm still playing that too, so maybe the transition back and forth will be easier after doing more often. The clay surface was definitely different; unfortunately, I didn't get comfortable with it to the point where I could slide much.

I met some nice people, but I don't expect to see them again until another meetup as none live near me. But, you never know.

Sense of humor

I have one. I can crack myself up.

However, it's a connection mechanism only when there is a common sense of humor. I also believe this is one of those areas that most visibly reflects childhood experience; whether a person grew up in laid back or controlling atmosphere, and how much exposure to laughter there was.

I don't laugh much. I think (hope) it's because of my current situation of adjustment as I can remember a time when I was more joyous. I hope to find joy again.

I'm not like her.

I don't have the outspoken demeanor that exudes confidence and says "hey everybody, I'm cool, and I'll talk to you if you're cool." I don't have her youth. I don't have her hair (don't get me started). He likes her. Not me. I understand that it doesn't mean anything - I really do. I just don't like it. I really, really don't.

Intelligence

I see intelligence as the ability to learn and apply what has been learned. It is not the same as knowing facts, although the number of facts someone knows can contribute to their intelligence depending on how those facts are applied.
The paradox is that the more you know, the less you know; and this knowledge, applied is intelligence.

Yarn

I am a strand of yarn. There are many fibers that make up my being. I can be separate, or twisted or braided with other strands. I can also support a network, like something crocheted, intersecting with different strands at different points. I can be strong or I can be frayed.

Transition

How am I doing? It depends on the day. Or the hour. Or the minute. But always, I am fortunate.

My living space is more than adequate on a functional level, but not so much on an aesthetic level. I won’t say aesthetics are unimportant overall, but at this stage in my life, in terms of my living space, they are a very low priority. Being practical is natural for me, so I’d say my adjustment to the roughness of my living space is complete. I no longer notice the things that others would probably turn up their noses at.

I can’t say as much for the other areas of adjustment, but they are progressing in the only way they can. (Not all are bad. However, I hesitate to sing the praises of being solitary out of respect for the effect this has had on the counterpart of this separation.)

On my way into work this morning, as I was driving through Valley Forge National Park, I happened to be thinking about what it feels like to be in love, and whether it was worth the inevitable heartache. Is that feeling of being in love so rare, that I shouldn't reject it? And at the moment I posed that question, I saw a red fox. As if the universe said, "Yes, it is that rare."