Day whatever

I think using this blog to chronicle a 100-day experience of inner peace has run its course for me. When I started, I was pretty sure I wouldn't finish it; however, I thought it would last longer than 20 days. :)

I go through phases, and when one begins, I have no way of knowing how long it will last.
I typically write for one of three reasons:

1.) To sort things out
2.) To record things I want to remember or be able to refer to
3.) To express things that may be helpful to one person who happens across my blog.

In the beginning, it was helpful to have something guiding the topics of my posts, but the phase began to dwindle after it began feeling more like an obligation. Therefore, I hereby withdraw my participation in the disciplined sense but will continue in the spirit by sharing thoughts and experiences regarding inner peace, whenever the words to describe them find their way into my head.

Day 20 - Enough to wonder

(OK, C - this post is for you.)

I can relate to the recognition of good fortune, and how the joyous revelation of gratitude can fill your spirit with a profound love of life and all it entails. Although I wouldn't say it was polar opposite, my experience was quite different from another's.

The event was seeing a new friend perform a gig at a Philly restaurant/bar. The background is that I had met him through another friend and had gotten to know him some personally over the previous couple weeks. However, not knowing anyone in the "music biz", I was a little apprehensive about seeing the entertainment aspect as it was completely unfamiliar. I can't explain it rationally, but I didn't want to appear like a groupie. Nor did I really want to watch a bunch of groupies vie for his attention. (Yes, I have an inherent jealous tendency, but I have worked at lessening its intensity, and if I may say so, I do a pretty good job at hiding it.) Although I wanted to see him perform, only when I knew he actually wanted me there would I have gone.

Other contributing factors included being with people I didn't know or didn't know well, during the drive to & from the city, and during dinner (the food was really good). And, I'm uncomfortable in bars. This discomfort proved distracting, and made me more susceptible to other external distractions which made it difficult to enjoy his performance, which was pretty awesome.

Although its memory conjures mixed feelings, I'm glad I went, as it helped to build experience and relationships. Not every growth experience is a pleasant one.

It may be presumptuous for me to call it a growth experience, as I'm still not sure what the "lesson" is. It may have simply been an opportunity for me to express my support for someone actively pursuing their passion, an example of which there cannot be too many.

Day 19

Dream: I was in an unfamiliar yoga class in a dimly lit room with about 25-30 people. We were all standing in a circle, facing counter-clockwise (looking at the back of the person to our right.) Everyone was singing a song that sounded like something that is sung in a Christian church, except for me. Everyone was holding a similar trinket at their heart-center except for me. When the instructor passed by, she asked me if she had given me whatever it was (I don't remember what it was exactly or what she called it). I said no, and she gave me one. I felt strongly that I didn't belong, so I left. I can't recall whether I snuck out right then, during the singing, or whether I waited for it to end and left quickly.

After leaving, I reflected on how there were several different "ritual" type practices in the class, and that it wasn't what I expected or enjoyed. It was as if I was only there as a trial, but still had a positive outlook, if not expectation.

The next thing I remember is that I was in some sort of household/craft store, talking to Hannah, an artist from TV's tattoo shop reality show, LA Ink. We walked around and talked like we were buds, and I told her about the yoga class. She challenged me with questions about why I felt the way I did, but I don't remember what was said, specifically.

Commentary: The idea of things not being what they seem (or are advertised to be) sticks in my head. Yoga has been on my mind because I've not been practicing for a few weeks, and I'm trying to figure out how I feel about that (Read: I'm trying not to beat myself up over not doing something I "should" do). The feeling of being where I don't belong is familiar, as a sense of belonging is pretty foreign to me. It might be tied to how I feel like something is missing. I think Hannah appeared because when I picked up my bicycle from the shop today, one of the employees asked me about my septum piercing because he wants one. He then talked about the tattoo/piercing shops he's been to. Otherwise, it doesn't make sense to me as I don't like shopping, and I don't have a tattoo. Admittedly, the idea of tattoos is intriguing, and I find it interesting to see (yes, through a camera lens) different people talk about their reasons for getting a tattoo, and the work itself can be beautiful.

Day 18

The topic of spiritual practice came up last night in a discussion, and I found it interesting to hear the different ways people defined what a spiritual practice meant to them. I certainly have a broader perspective now on things that I do and ways that I am that are spiritual. In my mind, "practice" connotes disciplined repetition, so I guess there are many moments that, although I would describe them as blissful or euphoric, I never recognized as being spiritual.

Thinking about these things newly categorized as spiritual, I can't help but notice that there is a common characteristic. I can't control when they happen, they just do. I actually can't remember if I created a post about it, but I've toyed with the concept of enjoying life as actually having as many of "those moments" as possible. So, I guess a spiritual practice for me would be doing what supports being in those moments.

Day 17

I was in my head a lot today. I was experiencing feelings that I wasn't comfortable with, and my knee-jerk reaction is to analyze what I feel, try to determine why I feel the way I do, and make a judgment, "This is good/this is bad." If it's good, I relish it; if it's bad, I try to rationalize my way out of it. So in other words, I found myself in an overthinking loop.

Fortunately, timing was on my side, as catching up with a friend in the afternoon was naturally grounding, and I was able to enjoy the rest of my day with a more healthy perspective.

Day 15 and 16 - Your heartbreak was not in vain

Saturday, I was a vegetable due to a bad headache. But I believe that it might have been necessary in order to embrace an experience I had following morning.

At my Sunday breakfast counter of choice, Irish Joe's, I brought my copy of Ascent of Humanity to read while waiting and eating. (No Charles, I have not forgotten the importance of mindfully savoring food... baby steps.) I had skipped to a chapter on the conversion of life into money, and was reading the Social Capital subchapter when I came across this passage near the end:

Our outward casualness could not insulate us from the wrenching, liberating, shattering power of sexual love to open a door to the soul. I wonder if any of my girlfriends from that time will read this? If so, I want you to know that even if I then seemed a hopeless cad, your love turned deep invisible keys in my soul. Your heartbreak was not in vain. What you gave me, I needed for my future opening.

Your heartbreak was not in vain.

Exactly.

I wept. I was high. The food exploded with flavor that wasn't in the previous bite.

Finally, I can let go. Now that I know it wasn't all for nothing. For me as well as those I have hurt.

Day 11, 12, 13, and 14

Is this cheating? Not when you make up your own rules! :)

It's been quite a week; in a good way. I decided not to force a blog post when words didn't come. I haven't been remembering dreams lately, but I have been trying subtly new and different ways of being in the world. I am taking a more active role in making connections with people, although I'm trying my best to do it in a balanced way. That is, not overextending myself or my freedom, nor being forward, but trying to remaining open so when situations arise that I want to explore, I am able to.

So far, I've been amazed at how things seem to work themselves out when I let go of trying to control things and go with the flow, happily. In the past few days, things have seemed simple. I feel like I'm able to access the joy of life a little more easily than before.

Day 10

Another wonderful day. One of the things I like about myself is that I can get excited. I usually try not to express it to others (another topic for another time), but I’m at least beginning to recognize that this is one way that my instinct manifests. The excitement comes from within, and my mind is left to decide how to respond to it, which usually results in overthinking with an undercurrent of self-doubt. “Oh, it’s probably not a good idea. Bad things could happen.” But, times are a-changing. The new script is “Hey, this idea is intriguing. I feel good about it, so things could happen that bring me joy.”

The most recent outcome of this new script is my involvement with a local Time Bank. Most of us like to do good deeds. The time bank is a way to exchange good deeds, kind of like a barter system, without having to make an exchange both ways with the same person. This results in only doing what you want to do for someone; and if there’s something you need, there are more people who might be willing to do it for you.

Participating in the Time Bank might be one way to strenghten my connections with others in a healthy way, which I believe will support my effort to be more authentic.

Day 9

I hope things start making sense soon.

Fortunately, I've gotten more comfortable being on my own. This is a little embarrassing, but I'll share it anyway. After I went grocery shopping today, I got really excited over the fact that I went out and got what I wanted, instead of what I "should have" gotten. Even though the actual items might not have been that much different, the change in mindset is important to me.

I'm also a little more comfortable with certain relationships. Well, to be more exact, the moments when I'm more comfortable are becoming more frequent and last a little longer.

As for the big areas that I'm struggling with, I'm doing the best I can.

Day 8

Anyone who has been following my self-development knows that I've been trying to heed my instincts a lot more. I've discovered that one of the obstacles to following through on my instinct is that my Ego influences how strong I perceive the instinct to be. For example, it I have a feeling that I should pursue something, and I actually want to, the instinct feels very strong; however, if it's something that I'm not particularly keen on, the instinct isn't as strong, and it gets muddied with all of my other feelings of self-doubt, which makes the instinct more difficult to identify.

Oh yeah, and I remembered a dream. I was riding in a car with a friend, and I heard a strange noise. I looked in the back seat, and someone had put a baby in the car. I reached and picked it up as it started crying and I tried to comfort it. The baby's eyes were changing color, and it could actually talk. I tried to comfort it and find out where it's mother was, but I woke up shortly after the conversation started.

Commentary: Weird. (And no, this isn't any sort of prophetic dream; most of my friends are going through the "having a baby" stage.)

Day 7

Dream: I had a dream that I was on a cruise with some random dreamland friends. We docked in an inlet where there was room for multiple cruise liners, but ours was the first ship there. When we disembarked, we walked on a narrow a wooden pathway with high rails to prevent you from falling into the water. This walkway also bridged over docks. The weather was warm, but I'm not sure if it was actually a tropical locale. Plants and flower pots were everywhere, even along the narrow walkway. At one point, when the walkway made a 90-degree turn to become parallel to the dirt walkway on land, I noticed a small cat sitting in the corner of that turn. What surprised me was that it didn't seem to mind the seemingly endless parade of feet that came perilously close to it. The cat was tortoise-shell-colored, so it was camouflaged very well in the shade of all the plants, but I was pleased to see it appear so inaffected by all the activity.

The only other thing I remember is trying to get back to my cabin, but being stuck on a deck on the ship where there was only one ramp where you could get to another level, and you could only go up. I was trying to go down, and couldn't find my way. Finally, I realized that in the time that passed when I was off the ship, other ships came into the port and I was actually on the wrong ship.

Commentary: Not sure about the significance of the cruise specifically, but I have been on several. The location felt like a place I wanted to be. Being unable to get where I wanted to go on the ship may be a way of pointing out that I've accepted the confines of my current "situation" when I should just hop off the ship and begin my new life.

Day 6

I remember a few dreams from last night, but nothing that seems profound at the moment.

1. T won $2.5 million and said he would split it with me. One morning I got a call from him on my cell phone saying he won $2.5 million. I was outside, walking to my car, and somehow, I immediately knew that he won the money from a Bennigan's restaurant gamepiece, like what I saw two days ago in real life. I remember being glad he wanted to split it with me, but I struggled with what would be the right thing to do because I didn't want to take advantage of him and any feelings of obligation. We had a conversation about it, just like we do about everything, where he says something, and I question whether he's sure because he doesn't sound confident in his decision. Which then gets percieved as me not preferring whatever it is, and he starts to reconsider. Becuase I like ideals, I would want him to give me the money because he wants to, not because he feels obligated to. I need to stop trying to police others' reasons and judging whether or not they are "moral".

Commentary: This is probably just "inspired" by actual events like tearing the game piece only to find free mozzarella sticks (the grand prize was a trip for 2 to Ireland). And T is providing the court's filing fees for our divorce papers, so I could just be feeling guilty about some things.

2. I was working with R on designing new business cards for the company. In real life, R recently transferred to my company's marketing department, and in my dream, he ran a business card design by me. I excitedly tore it apart, offering design-savvy suggestions and feeling very confident about my contributions. I remember quite a lot of detail about the actual design that was presented to me as well as my suggestions.

Commentary: I've recently offered my services to help a local business-owner by picking up the pieces from another graphic designer to have a store-front sign made. Add to that the fact that at my job, I still haven't gotten "on a roll" in my new position, and I'm starting to question how good a fit it is.

3. I talked with a man from Oklahoma at a Jeopardy studio audience in Valley Forge, PA. I was walking with a group of people in Valley Forge Park. The group was stretched out, and a man from Oklahoma was walking next to me and we started talking. He asked me questions about me, but I had a hard time talking to him because he kept walking ahead of me. (Which is very weird because I walk fast and usually have to slow down to not away from other people.) We entered an auditorium where there were seats on-stage for potential Jeopardy contestants, but this man and I were only loosely interested in playing along to answer questions, and had no desire to become contestants.

Commentary: I am going on a hike this Saturday with a group of people I've never met, and I do drive through Valley Forge Park every workday. I have no idea who the guy was, and I have no idea what triggered the Jeopardy game show.

Day 5 Self-acceptance

For me, the first level self-acceptance was realizing that much of what I am is a result of my experience. This allowed me to redirect energy from self-criticism to self-evaluation and improvement.

After that, applying the understanding of what it meant to not be perfect granted me the same rights as everyone else to live imperfectly, without self-induced punishment. (Barring abuse of these rights, of course.)

Once enough time passed, my way of thinking shifted to a more self-accepting perspective. I realized that since I could not change the past, I could not change the effect it has had on me, and therefore they way I am. At the same time, I have the freedom to make choices that affect me now and in the future. Since I am imperfect, I can only try to make the best choices in any given situation; and if hindsight suggests it may not have been the best choice, it's not reasonable to actually make that assumption.

Interestingly, I've applied these levels of acceptance to other people, and it's been difficult applying them to myself. This is also the case with a new level of acceptance (that I will get to in a minute), but there also seems to be a merge point between self-acceptance and my fear of judgment.

I have struggled to remember that others' judgments are meaningless in the grand scheme of things. I think one reason for this is that my Ego likes to be validated, which is the result of being judged positively - being accepted. But what good is it to be accepted, if it's meaningless?

Although an amazing chain of events occured to mentally bring me to this point, the catalyst was a quote,"It's better to be hated for what you are than loved for what you're not." So, my next level of self-acceptance is to identify those judgments that DO matter... my own.

I appreciate other people for what they are, but for myself, I concentrate on what I'm not, which is counter-productive. In that vein, if I apply to myself what I apply to others, I will be more self-accepting.

Day 4

I don't have any dreams or general topics of spirituality to discuss, but my day was filled with enjoyable moments, which are worthy of reflection and gratitude.

Tasty coffee in the morning.*
Lunch with a friend, during which we had good food and interesting conversation.
I received a vase of ten daffodils, like all the women in my office, from a male manager above them.
I left my comfort zone to talk to someone in the office I had seen at the gym when I go to play racquetball (and survived!)
I played racquetball.
I had an enjoyable dinner with a friend and drove them home after dropping off their car for service.
I was able to help another friend with a logo for her business.
And I'm writing about all of it, which for some reason, is enjoyable...

* Some say it's an addiction and therefore bad. To me it is more a ritual of doing something for myself, as I drive into an office to do hours and hours of work for someone else. There I go justifying myself. :)

Day 3

No memory of dreams today. So, I guess I should ruminate on my other focus. Keep in mind that I tend to understand things better from a top-down perspective, so we'll start with general concepts (which is pretty much all I have at the moment) and become more detailed as things become clearer.

How do I define my spirituality?

My spirituality is my recognition, acceptance, and alignment with my soul's true expression. My soul's true expression is a state free of ego (and therefore conditioning), where there is no separation between my "authentic self" and the Universe. In another word, Enlightenment.

I'm under no supposition that I will achieve Enlightenment in my lifetime, but I believe that through developing my spirituality, I will be able to make the most of the time I have.

Recognition
Knowing borne from stillness, serendipitous "messages from the Universe", gut feelings, and the like, come to the mind from within - where our soul's are connected to all. Recognition of these as things by which use of the mind shall manifest is a valuable lesson in finding my path.

Acceptance
Trust is faith is knowing is acceptance. To use a positive analogy, when you trust a friend, you have faith in them. You know they will come through for you, which is an acceptance of a truth. (Pure logicians out there are suffering brain hemorrhages right now.)

"What I recognized, is truth."

Alignment
Once I have recognized and accepted the truth from within, my actions and expressions must align with that truth in order to be authentic.

I'm reminded of one quality described by Suze Orman as that of a wealthy woman. Harmony and Balance. Simply put, harmony within yourself is reached when what you think, feel, say, and do, are the same.

It is that harmony with the Universe that ultimately merges into one, with Enlightenment.

Day 2

Happy Easter.

I awoke this morning at 9am, after sleeping for 27 of the previous 32 hours. There are numerous possible causes, but since I really don't know which one, I'm not going to bother speculating. There were some weird dreams, though. Well, I guess it would be one drawn-out morphing type dream. And, unfortunately, I didn't get a chance to write about it earlier, so much of memory has faded.

Although I normally patronize Irish Joe's for Sunday breakfast, they were closed today so I went to La Creperie. The food was good, and I was entertained at the counter by a couple of the waitresses, Jill and Monica. I wasn't sure what I was going to do today, but I ended up setting up my "office" upstairs, which until this morning, I had no idea how to go about it. Yet, all of a sudden, a new arrangement came to me, and I've been enjoying it all day as I pass by. All I need is a lamp of some sort and a three-prong extension cord, and I will be golden.

It's Easter... and spiritually, I have nothing. On to the dream...

Dream: What I remember involves playing in a band without knowing how to play any of the instruments. Kinda like the band felt sorry for me, so I was part of the band without actually playing anything. Anyway, I'm outside at night, the only light around was amber-colored streetlights. A man and a woman walk up to me and start asking me questions about what I do in the band. The man was older and wore an overcoat and a hat. He didn't say anything. The woman was younger, maybe close to my age. She was pretty, with long, blond hair, and was wearing what looked like a faded, light yellow graphic tee with the drawing of a tree of some sort. The leaves on the tree were little hearts. The woman asked me questions and I explained my situation in great detail as we went through each instrument. Afterward she seemed to understand, and she offered to help me. I came to the revelation that I could help support the band by designing a logo, fliers, etc.

I went to my bedroom in some house to grab some belongings and return to the woman, and my Father comes in to find out what I'm doing. I think I was hoping to leave without him and my Mom noticing, but since he intersected me, I anticipated resistance and became immediately emotional. Lo and behold, the Universe was there for me however, as my Dad was wearing a t-shirt with the same design as the woman. I explained that I was going to get help, and I knew it was a good thing because she was wearing the same design on her shirt. I specifically remember pointing to the graphic on his shirt, which was pretty much eye-level as he is 6'4". I remember being very excited.

That's all I can remember coherently enough to write about. At some point, I was lying on a bed talking with my friend D, but I no longer remember details of what we were talking about.

Day 1

I'm not feeling very rested today, and I hadn't had much time to plan what I want to do before T called about me going to the house to pick up some more of my stuff. I went along with the idea as I had nothing else pressing. The most productive thing I did was drop off our bicycles for their annual tune-ups. I had zero energy and didn't end up taking any stuff home, but I did spend some time over there organizing/separating out some of my stuff for when I do.

Anyway, no spiritual stuff today, but I do remember some dreams...

Dream 1: I'm at a tennis tournament, and although I went on my own, I separately ran across friends. Most of my focus was on finding a good seat, and I didn't really know who was playing. Also, it was outside, in the rain. But, it wasn't too bad because in dreamland, although it was a little chilly, the rain felt warm, and you never really got wet; you could feel the rain hitting you, but it would quickly evaporate. At one point I sat next to N who told me I was breathing loud. Later, I sat next to R with my camera and laptop. As soon as decided to put my camera away, a great photo-op occurred so I missed it. Then it was dark and I was confused as to why my laptop was emitting so much light even though it was closed. (I think that in real life, I was annoyed at the light coming into my room. Yes, I slept in late; I was up late.) At some point, I moved toward the rear of the stands where there was an unattended snack bar.

Dream 2: I was lying in bed with one of my cats, Majik, and he was chewing on something (as he often does). I had to pat the covers down to see what he was doing, and he had the dangerous end of a large feather in his mouth. I went to pull it out of his mouth gently, but it turned out to be a REALLY long feather, and was down his throat. When it came out entirely, there was blood on it. Then the phone rang. (Telemarketer in real-life.)

Dream 3: Ever since I moved into my place, I have wanted to do something about the curtains on my windows because too much light comes in. In my dream, there were also blinds on the windows, and I had just discovered them after 3 months and felt like an idiot.

100 Days of Peace

OK, I'll play.

I want to discover what is missing.
I want to discover who I really am by tossing aside the conditioning that doesn't align with my spirit's true expression.

Aside from my regular personality work, which a lot of this blog has been dedicated to already, I think dreams and spirituality are good places for me to focus on these next 100 days.

Let's see what happens.