New Chapter

I'm moving into my own place today.
The complexity of emotions is extreme, but it is the right thing.

I'd write more, but I have work to do.

Welcome…

…Ian, to the world.
…Mark and Amanda, to parenthood.

The world is now a different place to the new Miles family and those close to them. In addition to all the love, happiness, and health for this new family, I have the following message for Ian:

Each person lives in their own, unique version of the world. Even though they overlap with others’, yours is your own. You are the most important thing in your world, for without you, it ceases to exist. You will receive many things as you grow, in many forms; some good and some bad. It is extremely important to understand your world as most things are what you make of them. Use them to discover the meaning of your life and live it fully.

Comparing

In general, it is rarely helpful to compare yourself to others, usually because a value is attached to the characteristic. Some general thoughts that can arise out of comparing yourself to others are:

• “That person is more attractive than me.” How attractive someone is depends on the observer. A person may be attractive to some and not others. And yes, people are shallow – some more than others. The less shallow someone is, the more characteristics can influence how attractive someone is to them, in either direction; making someone more or less attractive to them. So yes, looks can matter to some extent, but there are too many variables to be able to make an objective assessment on whether someone is definitively attractive or not.
• “I’m not as smart as that person.” Similar to there being variables in assessing someone’s attractiveness to another, people have different definitions of what it means to be intelligent. But, let’s be honest. This statement is super-general, and assuming that you are a reasonable person, you would be saying this as an emotional expression. Either to berate yourself and direct blame (probably incorrectly) on yourself, or even help you feel better by justifying a certain outcome. It might help to figure out what made you feel this way, and determine whether the cause really is a measure of intelligence. Most likely, it will not, but it will probably reflect a reasonable outcome of a situation based on all the relevant details, however inconvenient. My general definition of intelligence includes a person’s ability to solve problems, learn from their mistakes, and be able to consider multiple perspectives of a particular idea. Making mistakes alone doesn’t mean you’re stupid. If it did, everyone would be either stupid or perfect… and nobody’s perfect.
• “That person’s better than me,” or “I’m not good enough.” There are usually multiple perspectives that would simultaneously deem someone “good” or “bad” in a given situation and they will likely change as the situation changes. If I’ve done two things in my entire life, one you see as good and one you see as bad (to an equal degree), am I a good person or a bad person? Does it depend on my intent? The result? Who it affected and how? Is it even possible to completely know all of these answers? Even if it was, it’s possible that everyone else would disagree with your position. Again, given the probable emotional state in which this thought occurs, it might help to look at what triggered this thought. Also, it’s impossible to know every aspect of another person, whether it’s a stranger or someone you know very well. I’m more likely to see strangers (or someone I don’t know very well) as unjustly good or bad because my judgment is based on limited observation and whatever ingrained biases I have, whereas I have a more accurate assessment of those I know better, since I know them better.

These are very general examples, but ways to address them can be applied to more specific ones. The overarching point is that making comparisons typically has a negative affect on self-esteem and confidence because a value is arbitrarily applied to something that doesn’t really matter. So, it’s best to avoid comparing yourself with others unless you can do it without attaching value to whatever characteristic you are comparing. In addition, these thoughts are usually an effect of some emotion, and figuring out the emotion that is being expressed by the thought and what it’s caused by will help you determine the root cause of the issue. For example, perhaps you are feeling frustration… caused by what? An unmet expectation? (see post on “Expectations”) Unreasonably high standards for yourself (perfection)? (see post on how I “Learned to Embrace Imperfection”)

If your thoughts tend to be of the opposite variety, i.e., “I’m more attractive/smarter/better than that person”, it can bolster your confidence, which can be useful at times. However, if comparing yourself to others is the primary source of self-esteem, it is an unreliable method because it doesn’t really mean anything, and in a sense you are relying on others. It might also indicate insecurity, which, depending on your personality, can manifest in an aggressive, defensive, and/or passive aggressive attitude.

Judgment

Judgment is another one of those human things (such as selfishness) that gets a bad rap. It’s how we carry out our judgments that matter; not the fact that we make them. Even without consciously acting a certain way, the way you think about your judgments can affect your feelings, or someone else’s, so it’s important to be aware of them.

I’m more likely to see strangers (or someone I don’t know very well) as unjustly good or bad because my judgment is based on limited observation and whatever ingrained biases I have, whereas I have a more accurate assessment of those I know better, since I know them better. I try to keep this in mind as I’m judged by others.

Insecurity

Depending on your personality, insecurity often manifests in an aggressive, defensive, or passive aggressive attitude. I’m not as insecure as I used to be, but I can see that it is often the cause of my defensiveness, which makes sense when you consider that being falsely accused of doing something bad is a major paranoia of mine. Despite my familiarity with insecurity, I admit I have difficulty knowing the best way to respond to others’ insecurity, especially aggressive manifestations.

My natural inclination to reason with an aggressively insecure person is definitely not the answer. In fact, I think it might make things worse. So, unfortunately I have no insight other than something that doesn’t work, but if I do, I’ll put it here.


(Linked from Comparing)

Selfishness

For something that is definitively human, selfishness gets a pretty bad rap. It’s not our selfish nature that deserves the scrutiny, but the way we express it. We are taught it is bad to be selfish, but that’s like saying it’s bad to experience happiness. Knowing what your “self” enjoys makes it easier to experience happiness. It only becomes tricky and dangerous when it involves other people, especially when there are differing ideas on the right and wrong ways are of expressing our selfish nature, which can change depending on the situation.
Some characteristics that can contribute to a person’s definition of a “wrong” selfish expression are those that:

• Seem contrary to relative history, or routine, based on expectations that have developed over time. Expectations cause many problems, but are necessary to some degree. My advice in situations like this are to admit that there is an expectation, and allow a discussion of intent. Usually it will be discovered that the “offender” didn’t intend to exploit the expectation, and the expectation itself should be examined to determine how reasonable it is.
• Leave someone feeling rejected and therefore unfairly judged or criticized (see "Rejection" post)
• Don’t follow the “put others first” philosophy. The practice of putting others first is a way to express respect. (Emphasis on a way; meaning if an action isn’t consistent with this practice, it shouldn’t be interpreted as a disrespect.) If not putting others first is seen as selfishness, then it is an expectation. Although there are situations where expectations are justifiable, it is usually unreasonable to expect a specific expression of respect. A lack of courtesy is not discourteous, but a discourteous act, is. Therefore, not putting others first can be considered selfish, but it is not inherently offensive unless that is the intent.

My general point is that everyone is selfish, and it cannot be held against anyone any more than having a head. If someone disregards another person’s rights or otherwise intends to cause them mental or physical discomfort or harm, then it is an inappropriate expression of selfishness.

If you are hurt or offended because you think someone is being selfish, I suggest that you first determine whether that person intended to hurt or offend you. More than likely, the answer will be no, in which case you should determine why you feel hurt or offended.

• If they failed to meet an expectation, determine whether the expecation was reasonable. (This may require discussion).
• If you think they are judging or criticizing you, say so and let the other person explain their intent.
• If you think they aren’t following your philosophy about putting others first, consider that different people have different philosophies, and follow them to different degrees. Unless it’s evident, it’s usually not reasonable to assume that inaction is intended to be a negative expression.

(Posts that link to this one: “Rejection”)

Rejection

Rejection (in a social context) isn’t always rejection. At least my take is that if you’re not chosen for something, it’s not necessarily because you’re not smart, attractive, cool, or whatever enough. Things change from moment to moment, and so do people’s moods and preferences. For example, if I want to spend time alone during a weekend afternoon, and decline when a friend calls me to do something, it simply means that based on whatever situation I’m in, I would prefer to be alone. Whether it’s because there are chores I want to do, hobbies I want to pursue, feel I need a mental break free of interaction, or any other possible reason, it doesn’t mean I’m rejecting my friend. Rather, it means I’m choosing something else.

For those who think in black and white and claim that not choosing something is rejecting it, I offer this analogy. Say you generally like the taste of popcorn. When you eat something else, it doesn’t mean that you don’t like popcorn. You probably like many foods, but at different times you prefer the taste of different things. Further, when you’re not eating anything, it doesn’t mean you don’t like any food.

So, if you feel rejected by a friend for reasons not evident, it may help to look at it from the perspective that no one can be everything for another, and each person has a variety of things they like to do and people they like to spend their time with. Just like you enjoy a variety of food.

Some challenges to dealing with feelings of rejection might be a sense of relative unimportance (comparing yourself to others) or that the other person is being selfish.

(Posts that link to this one: “On the path to happiness”.)

Skyward

I've heard that hang gliding is the purest form of flight attainable by a human.

Once you have tasted flight you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you long to return.

- Leonardo DaVinci

From the moment this opportunity landed in my lap, to buying the t-shirt, this felt so natural and right.

A couple months ago, I joined a conversation with a couple of people remarking about a skydiving certificate that was decorating (an unoccupied) cubicle next to mine, because I have skydived before. Someone brought up hang gliding, and it occurred to me that I had also wanted to try that for a long time, although I hadn’t thought about it in a few years. I only had enough free time in my workday to determine that the closest place I could learn was in Maryland. On my way out of the office THAT DAY, I stopped to ask someone a question about tennis, which led to a spontaneous invitation to go hang gliding in Maryland on Labor Day. If I hesitated at all in answering it was because I was stunned at the coincidence

For as long as I can remember, I've been interested in flying. I've had several "one-off" adventures, such as taking the yoke of a 4-seater prop, skydiving, and bungee jumping, but hang gliding was the best so far.

Once I made it successfully to Highland Aerosports that Monday morning (thanks to Tom for giving me directions over the cell phone after I got lost somehow), I felt like I belonged, despite it being my first time there, without knowing anyone. I had no expectations as I met up with a friend who was there with another group. After filling out a couple pages of legal forms, I calmly waited and watched other people being towed up in their gliders, flying, and landing, and hearing about their experiences.

I was last in the group to fly, and my instructor, Adam, explained some of the basics before we climbed into the harnesses. Once we were secured, he went over flight control basics before taking off. Once the “tug” (ultralight plane that tows the glider) began to take flight, I didn’t feel strange or even excited. I was in the moment, watching the distance grow between me and Earth. When we were at about 2500 feet, Adam released the towline. The noise stopped. The wind stopped. We stopped…or it seemed.

We were free. Free to feel the air, go this way or that, and be. Although I was inexperienced, controlling the glider felt very natural, and it was easy to maneuver. Adam let me stall the glider (with direction), and gave me some “targets” to fly toward. Near the end of the flight, he offered to do some aerobatics and we climbed, dove, and banked. After the smooth landing, he asked me if I had any questions, and I had one: “Can I go again?” I’m scheduled to continue my lessons in October, but that will probably be the last time before the close for the season in mid-November.

(more hang gliding pics)

US Open: Afterword

A train… another train… a friend… a subway… another subway.

The morning sun was shining and the temperature was comfortably warm. I walked along a tree-lined path to the line where I was to meet a friend who was a long-time US Open veteran. I found myself wondering things about the other people in line, some of which I could deduce from observation… was this their first time visiting the Open? Did they come from far away? Were they there with friends or family? Who were they there to see?

It was strange not having any idea what to expect, but since I would have the benefit of a friend’s experience, I was able to enjoy that feeling. Three of us met up, and when the gates opened, we ran (or jogged, depending on who you ask) to the grandstand.

Then I was there. At a tennis court at the US Open. It took a little time for me to realize where I was, after processing the unfamiliarity and anticipation of what would be my deepest immersion into tennis, to date. Eventually, the realization set in, but part of me was still amazed that I was there. Fortunately, there was time before the first match and we were there early enough to get good seats.

So began my US Open experience.

I’m not able to adequately describe my experience over the two days I was there. It was fun, exciting, and I was amazed by many things. I learned things I can use the next time I go, and as well as things I was able to use on the court. Saying that being there in-person adds an entire dimension feels like an understatement.

Needless to say, by the end, I decided that I definitely want to go back.

For reference, here is a list of the matches that I watched partially or entirely (13 total):

Thursday (day 4)

• Men's Singles - 2nd Rnd. - Andy Murray (GBR)[19] def Jonas Bjorkman (SWE) 5-7 6-3 6-1 4-6 6-1
• Women's Singles - 2nd Rnd. - Patty Schnyder (SUI)[11] def Severine Bremond (FRA) 6-3 6-0
• Women's Singles - 2nd Rnd. - Victoria Azarenka (BLR) def Dominika Cibulkova (SVK) 6-2 6-2
• Women's Singles - 2nd Rnd. - Maria Kirilenko (RUS) def Katarina Srebotnik (SLO)[22] 6-4 6-3
• Men's Singles - 2nd Rnd. - Sebastien Grosjean (FRA) def Max Mirnyi (BLR) 6-4 6-7(6) 6-4 6-3
• Men's Singles - 2nd Rnd. - Tommy Haas (GER)[10] def Philipp Petzschner (GER) 4-6 6-3 6-2 7-5
• Mixed Doubles - 1st Rnd. - Victoria Azarenka (BLR)/Max Mirnyi (BLR) def Lisa Raymond (USA)[1]/Nenad Zimonjic (SRB)[1] 6-7(6) 6-3 [10-3]

Friday (day 5)

• Women's Singles - 3rd Rnd. - Dinara Safina (RUS)[15] def Ahsha Rolle (USA) 6-4 6-3
• Men's Singles - 2nd Rnd. - Stanislas Wawrinka (SUI) def Marat Safin (RUS)[25] 6-3 6-3 6-3
• Men's Singles - 2nd Rnd. - Robby Ginepri (USA) def Teimuraz Gabashvili (RUS) 6-2 6-3 6-1*
• Women's Singles - 3rd Rnd. - Jelena Jankovic (SRB)[3] def Alize Cornet (FRA) 4-6 6-2 6-3
• Men's Doubles - 2nd Rnd. - Lukas Dlouhy (CZE)[9]/Pavel Vizner (CZE)[9] def Teimuraz Gabashvili (RUS)/Ivo Karlovic (CRO) 6-4 7-6(5)
• Men's Singles - 2nd Rnd.
  Agustin Calleri (ARG) def Lleyton Hewitt (AUS)[16] 4-6 6-4 6-4 6-2

* Pictured ball came from this match. (more US Open pics)

US Open: Prologue

I'm about to embark on an adventure which I suspect will be made more enjoyable by the work I've been doing: two days at the tennis US Open, my first time watching live, professional tennis.

I have no expectations. I've had a non-attached perspective to this trip, which was made evident when other people started telling/asking me about how excited I am about it. I hadn't really been thinking about it that much, which has allowed me to avoid the unpleasant limbo of not being in the present because I'm focused on what is to come, and enjoy a more even-keel mood. Since I don't really have an expectation, I expect that I will "go with the flow."

I am confident. Three words: New York subway. (First time on my own.)

I am self-reliant. This entire trip is my decision. Not to downplay the support I've received from friends, it would be entirely different without it. But nonetheless, I saw an opportunity to do something I wanted to do and I'm doing it. It's not a big deal, but I need to recognize that my decision to do this was completely independent from anyone else. No one asked me to go; I'm not going for anyone but myself. AND, I need to recognize that this is separate from how the trip actually turns out. There was a time that, if I took a trip like this and didn't enjoy myself, I would blame that outcome on the fact that I did it independently from others, and therefore shouldn't do it again.

I will enjoy the moment. A break from my "self-work," to be, and do.

I am doing this for me. I play tennis because it's fun. Not because I have a specific goal or feel any obligation. I enjoy watching tennis, but of course, it's not quite as fun as playing. ;) There was a time when I thought, "oh, I shouldn't go to a tennis tournament because I don't belong there. I don't know enough history of the sport, I don't know many of the players, and I'm not a good enough player, myself." But then I realized, I go to football games. I don't play football, and I don't even enjoy watching it all that much. My (il)logic broke down pretty quickly at that point.

As I may have eluded to before, tennis is the first sport I've enjoyed. Having only started a year ago, I may have "found my sport" later than most people. So what? From my perspective, tennis is my sport. Just because I don't have a long history with it doesn't mean I should downplay my enthusiasm or suppress any sense of belonging. However, it also doesn't necessarily mean that there is some connection to all other tennis fans. Which I state only to exemplify another generalization that's bad to make, not to point out a false motivating factor.

Delicious Defeat

Being new to a sport I care about, nothing could have prepared me for the unexpected outcome of a competition. Experience is everything.

I was challenged to play a set of tennis, and lost 6-1. Although I would have liked to win, it wasn't a big deal for me because I didn't really have anything to lose. But the effect of losing so badly was one of the most emotionally confounding I've ever experienced. In fact, two days later, I'm still not sure how it's going to affect my outlook.

Is it time to set a goal? This can motivate my continued improvement, which will provide more enjoyment the better I play.

Should I just give up? I'm well past my prime, and there will be a limit to how well I can play. If it's not good enough, there's no reason to continue.

Or should I just linger somewhere in between, hitting a ball around with the couple of people who would do so? As with all things, this arrangement will come to an end, so I should enjoy it while I can.

I guess time will tell because the answer will only come after taking things day-by-day. I'll just go with the flow and play if I want, when I can. Now that I've had a small taste of the bad stuff, I'm more experienced than I was, for whatever that's worth.

My Blog's New Look

I've further customized my blog which basically entailed picking a different Blogger template and replacing some images. And I needed help doing it, so I can't take all the credit. But, it looks more like I want it to, and that's what's important. I hope you like it, too. :)

On the Path to Happiness

This is a living post that will be updated and linked as appropriate.

Current goals

• Lessen the emotional (especially negative) effect others have on me
• Maintain a more steady, even-keel emotional state
• Be more self-reliant

Realizations

• People can be fundamentally VERY different.
• Comparing myself to others is detrimental.
• Rejection isn’t always rejection.
• I’m responsible for my own happiness.
• Just because something is socially expected, that doesn’t mean it’s the best thing for me.

Processes

• Self-acceptance
• Grief of loss
• Non-attachment

Accomplishments

• Stopped seeking parental approval
• Leaned to embrace imperfection

It Just Might Work

Over the last few years, I’ve studied the Enneagram in an effort to learn more about myself and my interactions with others, because I believe that what I learn will help me become a happier person. I have also sporadically kept this blog for over a year, and today it dawned on me that it’s the most logical venue to chronicle my growth, going forward.

Relevant bits:

• Grew up as an only child in a rural area.
• Enneagram type, instictual variant, level of health: 1w2, sx/so/sp, many days 3-4
• Parents’ Etype: Mom – 9; Dad – 8
• Husband’s type: 9 (wings are close; suspect more 8 than 1)
• MBTI: mostly ISFJ
  

Disclaimer: I will attempt to keep things as relevant as possible without implicating other people. It is never my intent to offend or hurt anyone. Also, nothing should be “read into” anything.

Test Ride

I went on a 24-mile bike ride yesterday and I'm not ashamed to admit that I only made it all the way back on sheer will. My legs haven't been that tired in a long time, but I'm happy I did it. My longest ride before yesterday was 16 miles. I was interested in riding my bicycle to work once in a while, so this was also a "test ride," to determine whether the roads and trails I chose would be suitable.

Overall, it was a pleasant ride, the temperature was about 84 on the way out, and got down to 77 when I got back. It was starting to get dark and although out on the open road it wasn’t so bad, it was a little too dark in the shade to see well. I enjoyed sensing the sudden fluctuations in temperature as I ride through downdrafts, and the smell of different trees and plants was refreshing. Riding at sundown was a treat because I saw and heard things I wouldn’t have earlier in the day. In the last sliver of sunlight I saw numerous near-horizontal spider webs expertly spanning the distance between trees, like ephemeral hammocks. Frogs and crickets began their music to which the flights of fireflies seemed choreographed.

One

Obsession Calm
Frustration Peace
Longing Bliss
Sorrow Forgiveness
Pressure Freedom

Dæmon

I'm really looking forward to this movie. I'm glad they're keeping the dæmons. :)

Click on the link in the animation to give me your opinion of me. (It's anonymous, quick, and you don't have to register or anything.) Check out the website if you want to get your own.

A friend shared this story of the name Arion.

I bought tennis shoes

A friend’s enthusiasm, a coincidence, and whim serendipitously merged into a moment that would bring happiness that I couldn’t have suspected. Having swatted at a fuzzy ball only a few times in my life, I lacked the basic knowledge of the game of tennis, therefore any real interest. Just recently, someone defined tennis as a game where two people hit a ball back and forth until someone misses, and although I cannot accept that as even the most basic explanation, there was I time when I could. Ironically, the person who said this enjoys watching Nascar, which is just a game where people drive in a circle until they crash into a wall. ;)

I started playing last summer (from not being able to keep the ball in the court), and I began tennis lessons this week, so it appears I’m committed on some level to improve my game. Perhaps it’s just my “interest of the week” considering how quickly I bounce from one thing to another, but I’m not going to let that stop me from enjoying it as if it’s something I’ll stick with for a long time. Next post: I'm a scuba diver!

Solo Trek

Yesterday's 15-mile ride was my first solo trek. I covered new ground with the Audubon loop, riding across the Schuylkill River (along Rt. 422), and taking the bike loop in Valley Forge Park.

Valley Forge Park map (PDF):
http://www.nps.gov/vafo/planyourvisit/upload/park%20map.pdf

It was quite an enjoyable ride, and to be honest, part of the excitement was exploring new areas. I didn't look at a map ahead of time, and happened upon the bridge that crosses the river. I didn't know what was on the other side, but I knew there was only one way to find out. (Okay, I cross that bridge every day in my car, but I wasn't keen on mingling with traffic since I wasn't wearing a helmet and wanted to stick to bike paths.) As I was deciding to go across, another biker* approached me and asked how to get onto the bridge. I pointed out the way and followed him across. The bridge was interesting, as it is barely wide enough for two bikes to pass each other, and it felt precarious being wooden and high above the river. (Not to mention the cars zooming by just on the other side of a chain-link fence.) The guy met up with buddies on the other side, and I continued toward Valley Forge Park.

I entered Valley Forge Park near the Visitor Center and chose to go South for no particular reason. Mind you, it all makes sense now, but at the time I was just riding with the assumption that at some point I would either double-back or loop back around. I didn't want to double-back, but I didn't want to tire myself out, either. It turned out well though, because I eventually stopped for a map at Wayne's Woods and decided to finish the loop. So I made my way North, then turned back East. I had ridden 10 miles at the point where I passed the chapel. I was glad I went clockwise at that point because the last "leg" was beautiful. And since it went gradually downhill and relatively straight, I got up to 26.9 mph (had I been watching my speed instead of where I was going, surely I would have punched it up to 27).

I was charged from my adventures for the way back home, and arrived back at the car after a total of about 1.5 hours of pedaling. My bike computer doesn't include stops in the trip time, so actual time gone was probably closer to 2 hours. I definitely want to take that route again.

As I was loading my bike onto the car, a park ranger (nametag "D. Smith") asked me about my ride and explained the plans for widening the bridge that crosses 422 at Trooper Rd., and “re”building a bridge next to it. According to him, the second bridge (right next to the current bridge) will be a two-lane bridge open to vehicular traffic during rush hour only and restricted to bicycles/pedestrians the rest of the time. Also, they are going to add TWO lanes EACH WAY on the existing 422 bridge for a total of 4 lanes each way during rush hour. He said the timeframe was probably 4-5 years. You can also see where there was previously a bridge, indicated by the roads that dead-end where they reach the river, and possible pylon remains in the water.


* I used the term "biker" as opposed to "cyclist" to differentiate between mountain biking and road cycling. The person who approached me was clearly a mountain biker as he was covered in mud. And he was riding a mountain bike. :)

Best Birthday Ever

Last Wednesday was a beautiful, sunny 72 degree day. This was the first year that daylight savings time changed earlier, so the day also offered more sunlight after work than those the week prior. It was the 34th anniversary of my birth.

Tom and I played tennis, I with my new tennis racquet he surprised me with on Tuesday.

We went out to dinner at my favorite Mexican restaurant, and I was surprised by four of my friends who were waiting for us. My friends are awesome. They even pitched in and bought me a new Trek 7200 hybrid bicycle! I just picked it up last night after getting it fitted and "souped up" with things like a computer to track speed, distance, etc.

We took the bikes out for a ride today. Then we played tennis. And it was wonderful.

It's about time we learn

Each person is responsible for their own happiness.

Something isn’t best solely because it has always been done.

Change starts from within.

Identifying the best purpose for what initially seems undesirable will help us open our minds.

First and foremost, we have to be happy as individuals, alone—only then will intertwining our lives be fulfilling.

If we trust in and depend on ourselves, individually, to discover and provide for our needs and wants, we can depend on each other for support, without overburdening.