It's all in my head

It seems that part of each lesson I learn is finding out there's more to learn. After reflecting upon tonight's discussion of how relationships can be a spiritual practice, I realize that when it comes to "romantic" relationships, I'm simply scared. I don't want to have an "attached" kind of relationship. I think I've been successful with friendly relationships, but have not even tried it with a lover, significant other, or whatever term you want to use.

Considering everything that would need to come together for me to even consider a close relationship - that quintessential spark, a connection, mutual attraction, general alignment of timing and interest to have a relationship, and last but not least, a very compatible idea of what a loving relationship is, from both of our perspectives - it seems unlikely enough to happen. Add to that the fact that I don't have the nonattachment thing down, which, given my track record pretty much guarantees a short-lived relationship, only fueled is my fear of pain (not just mine), and you have one person scared to get close.

And yes, I recognize these things - attachment, fear, pain - as being in my head. Maybe they won't always be there, but for the current moment, they are what I have instead of a hand in mine.

Spirit of the Spider

I'm not quite sure how to describe the significance of this, but I've noticed a prevalence of spiders or representations of spiders in my life lately. Admittedly, my appreciation of insects in general has been rekindled lately by a new friend who pointed out that she has a common interest, and spiders are quite interesting to me. But until today, I didn't notice the pattern of arachno-representation that has occurred subconsciously.

Last month, near the end of my transformational Woman Within Training (I will create a post about that, but for most it will probably be repetitive), we weaved a single web to represent our connectivity to one another. (It was really cool, but I won't go into detail so I don't spoil the fun for anyone else.) Afterward, I decided that my drummer character in my Rock Band video game needed some ink. Despite many designs to choose from, I placed a spider tattoo on her arm.

Since then, I believe it was Wednesday, June 4, I walked to a local restaurant for a yummy pizza to take home, and because a new, local art studio/shop had their doors open late, I browsed while I waited for my hand-tossed goodness. There were many beautiful things in the shop from jewelry, clothes, and furniture, but one thing caught my attention. Yes, a spider.

Two days later, for the town's First Friday event, I met some friends for a bite to eat. Afterwards, I walked them to the studio and had another opportunity to see the spider. I showed it to my friends, and may have had a slight inkling of the idea that I would purchase it, but my mindset lately has been to only spend money on things that were important to me, and this was nonfunctional (even though technically, it is a box that you can put something small in), so I dismissed the thought.

To my surprise, sometime during that following week, I had a fear that someone else would buy the spider. So I decided at that point that if the spider was still in the studio the next time I visited, I would inquire about the price and seriously consider purchasing it.

Over the course of yesterday, I encountered three live spiders. And without any conscious plans to do so, I found myself in the position to visit the studio again last evening, exactly one week after my previous visit. Realizing this opportunity to buy the spider, I shared my excitement with a friend who was accompanying me, as well as my dismay when I learned that it wasn't for sale. After my friend patiently listened to a sales pitch on a piece of jewelry (and stopped listening after hearing the price), the salesperson disclosed that the shop two doors down sells the spiders.

Being late, that shop wasn't open, but after running into some friends this morning for breakfast, we all walked down to the shop and I purchased the spider. And I am happy with my decision.

Anyway, I didn't intend for this to be some boring recount of a trinket purchase - I know I can be long-winded at times. To summarize, I guess I'm just interested to find out what spirit of the spider has to say to me. :)

Symbol of Summer

There are many things people associate with the summer; the most popular is probably beach-related. Although I love the feeling of sand in my toes and being in and near water, the beach “lifestyle” isn’t really my thing. And sure, there are the sports of the season, but again, not really my thing. This excludes tennis of course, but tennis isn’t a symbol of Summer for me as much as a symbol of non-Winter. :)

When I saw my first firefly of the season yesterday, my mind was immediately filled with memories of summer dusks filled with the songs of the wilderness permeating the heavy, cooling air in that rare and magic time of transition where everything is balanced. At the height of visual contrast where light things are lighter and dark things are darker, exactly between night and day, the rhythms and cycles of life on Earth perpetuate. In honor of the beauty of this magic time, I choose the firefly as my symbol for Summer.

What is your symbol of Summer? If you want to share, feel free to leave a comment.

I'm not surprised

I'm no longer surprised by how wonderfully things work out when you just let them. Nor by the signs along the way that confirm what you experienced was not a coincidence.

Although I like the idea of listing all such examples I have experienced lately, the reason I'm no longer surprised by them is because they have occurred so frequently. Therefore I will simply share the one from today which (so far) seemed the most intricate (from my current perspective).

First, some background. So far, pottery has been the hobby of mine that has "survived" the longest - I was doing it off & on for 10 years. However, I haven't made pottery since my second miscarriage in December 2004. Even though I had my own kick wheel in my basement, I "dropped" it right between firings, so I have bisqueware that has never been glazed. I never even contacted Pauline, the artist/instructor/owner of the studio (where I had pieces fired), to say I wasn't coming back, because I didn't know I wasn't going back. Days went by, then weeks, then months. Then when I saw the new architecture firm sign on the studio storefront window, I knew the it had been sold.

After awhile, I learned of the new Art Center in town, and found out from the website that Pauline was an instructor there. I still didn't contact her as I hadn't returned to making pottery, but I was happy to know she was there. Years went by; a divorce; months went by as I adjusted to life on my own.

A couple months ago, I explained to a new friend, over coffee, that I still have a few remaining items in my ex's house, including my pottery wheel. She suggested that I look for art studios in town that might be looking for wheels to see if I could keep it there, let others use it, and perhaps be able to use the space. I gave her full credit for the idea, and immediately thought of that new art center where Pauline teaches. Yet, I never acted on it.

Since then, it has been in the back of my mind, and every once in awhile, I think of Pauline. Today was such a day when I thought of her.

On my way home from work, traffic was backed up because I left a later than usual. I wanted to pick up some books from the library, and although I had planned on driving home, and then walking to the library (with the book I wanted to return), I instead had an impulse to just stop at the library while traffic was stopped anyway, and the library was on my route. I found the two books I wanted, browsed and picked up a third, checked them out, and as I was walking toward the exit, I saw Pauline.

We talked for a good while, got caught up, and she gave me a couple of names of people whom I might contact to either share studio space or possibly buy my wheel. (I'm not sure what I want to do yet.) And because this was also not her usual library run either, we reveled in the perfection of running into each other, after 3.5 years. But I wasn't surprised. :)

Perfection

Regarding self-acceptance, I may have mentioned how truly understanding the concept of not being perfect freed me from the negativity surrounding my failure to live up to my own expectations, thus allowing myself to do what I wanted to do without fear of self-punishment.

My current perspective is quite different.

I no longer fear being alone because I am never alone. Nor is anyone.

I no longer think that I don’t deserve joy, because everyone does.

I no longer need love because I always have it. Just like everyone.

I no longer care what others think. OK, maybe I do. But not in the same way as before.

I am perfect. Everyone and everything is perfect. And as is everyone, I am free to be. Me.

My Purpose

My entire life has been preparation to receive the words I was given yesterday. Although the specifics of how are not yet clear, my purpose of being is.

It is literally the last thing I thought I would be. (I thought I had a greater likelihood of being a politician!) But in a sense, that’s what makes it perfect. Even though it makes sense on many levels, I am not ready to announce what I am for various reasons.

Practically, although there may be suitable words to describe my purpose, the limiting (labeling) nature of language and certain connotations potentially narrow or redirect what is true. Therefore, I haven't chosen the words yet. Well, there are some general words, but sharing them at this point would be like an episode of TV's Lost, where there are more questions at the end than the beginning.

Personally, I choose to be free of external approval, support (or disapproval). I have only consciously lived with this knowledge for a day so far, so I am experiencing swings between the extremes of instinctual knowing and rational doubt. Explaining things right now just wouldn't serve anyone.

Respectfully, the reason I mentioned this at all, particularly in-person to friends today, was to share something of my life. It was/is not my intent to "tease" or withhold information; the details will unfold naturally.

Trust me, I want details too... how do I? when do I? what if this? what if that?
**SCREECHING HALT!!!*** Psychological time, anyone?

Phew! yeah... in the meantime I choose to stay present and centered. :)

I appreciate your understanding and patience.

Case for Pleasure

I finally got around to reading Chapter 1 (PDF) of Mama Gena's School of Womanly Arts. It's interesting, and while I totally support the case for pleasure, I do see that I am missing out in various ways. Anyway, here are a couple of tidbits that I attempt to incorporate into my life:

"...true generosity does not occur unless you give from your own surplus. In other words, until you have yours, you don't have anything to give others. Some people can experience surplus when they have a dollar in their pocket. Some feel poverty when they have a million dollars."

"A little secret I'm going to share with you here is that getting your bliss starts with finding the bliss WHERE YOU ARE."

And a relatively new adoption for me, "Don't bother to deconstruct your intuition. Asking why is like trying to figure out a very complex puzzle, and its solution, if you happen upon it, is not always very interesting."..."Most of us get really hung up on the long, crooked, ungratifying trip into Why Things Are the Way They Are. This trip is usually a big maze with no cheese at the end. The problem with looking for the why of it all is that you never really, truly find it. And if you do, it doesn't necessarily make your life any better." Who knew? ;)

"And a key step... is to party, rigorously, from where you are."