Day 10

Another wonderful day. One of the things I like about myself is that I can get excited. I usually try not to express it to others (another topic for another time), but I’m at least beginning to recognize that this is one way that my instinct manifests. The excitement comes from within, and my mind is left to decide how to respond to it, which usually results in overthinking with an undercurrent of self-doubt. “Oh, it’s probably not a good idea. Bad things could happen.” But, times are a-changing. The new script is “Hey, this idea is intriguing. I feel good about it, so things could happen that bring me joy.”

The most recent outcome of this new script is my involvement with a local Time Bank. Most of us like to do good deeds. The time bank is a way to exchange good deeds, kind of like a barter system, without having to make an exchange both ways with the same person. This results in only doing what you want to do for someone; and if there’s something you need, there are more people who might be willing to do it for you.

Participating in the Time Bank might be one way to strenghten my connections with others in a healthy way, which I believe will support my effort to be more authentic.

Day 9

I hope things start making sense soon.

Fortunately, I've gotten more comfortable being on my own. This is a little embarrassing, but I'll share it anyway. After I went grocery shopping today, I got really excited over the fact that I went out and got what I wanted, instead of what I "should have" gotten. Even though the actual items might not have been that much different, the change in mindset is important to me.

I'm also a little more comfortable with certain relationships. Well, to be more exact, the moments when I'm more comfortable are becoming more frequent and last a little longer.

As for the big areas that I'm struggling with, I'm doing the best I can.

Day 8

Anyone who has been following my self-development knows that I've been trying to heed my instincts a lot more. I've discovered that one of the obstacles to following through on my instinct is that my Ego influences how strong I perceive the instinct to be. For example, it I have a feeling that I should pursue something, and I actually want to, the instinct feels very strong; however, if it's something that I'm not particularly keen on, the instinct isn't as strong, and it gets muddied with all of my other feelings of self-doubt, which makes the instinct more difficult to identify.

Oh yeah, and I remembered a dream. I was riding in a car with a friend, and I heard a strange noise. I looked in the back seat, and someone had put a baby in the car. I reached and picked it up as it started crying and I tried to comfort it. The baby's eyes were changing color, and it could actually talk. I tried to comfort it and find out where it's mother was, but I woke up shortly after the conversation started.

Commentary: Weird. (And no, this isn't any sort of prophetic dream; most of my friends are going through the "having a baby" stage.)

Day 7

Dream: I had a dream that I was on a cruise with some random dreamland friends. We docked in an inlet where there was room for multiple cruise liners, but ours was the first ship there. When we disembarked, we walked on a narrow a wooden pathway with high rails to prevent you from falling into the water. This walkway also bridged over docks. The weather was warm, but I'm not sure if it was actually a tropical locale. Plants and flower pots were everywhere, even along the narrow walkway. At one point, when the walkway made a 90-degree turn to become parallel to the dirt walkway on land, I noticed a small cat sitting in the corner of that turn. What surprised me was that it didn't seem to mind the seemingly endless parade of feet that came perilously close to it. The cat was tortoise-shell-colored, so it was camouflaged very well in the shade of all the plants, but I was pleased to see it appear so inaffected by all the activity.

The only other thing I remember is trying to get back to my cabin, but being stuck on a deck on the ship where there was only one ramp where you could get to another level, and you could only go up. I was trying to go down, and couldn't find my way. Finally, I realized that in the time that passed when I was off the ship, other ships came into the port and I was actually on the wrong ship.

Commentary: Not sure about the significance of the cruise specifically, but I have been on several. The location felt like a place I wanted to be. Being unable to get where I wanted to go on the ship may be a way of pointing out that I've accepted the confines of my current "situation" when I should just hop off the ship and begin my new life.

Day 6

I remember a few dreams from last night, but nothing that seems profound at the moment.

1. T won $2.5 million and said he would split it with me. One morning I got a call from him on my cell phone saying he won $2.5 million. I was outside, walking to my car, and somehow, I immediately knew that he won the money from a Bennigan's restaurant gamepiece, like what I saw two days ago in real life. I remember being glad he wanted to split it with me, but I struggled with what would be the right thing to do because I didn't want to take advantage of him and any feelings of obligation. We had a conversation about it, just like we do about everything, where he says something, and I question whether he's sure because he doesn't sound confident in his decision. Which then gets percieved as me not preferring whatever it is, and he starts to reconsider. Becuase I like ideals, I would want him to give me the money because he wants to, not because he feels obligated to. I need to stop trying to police others' reasons and judging whether or not they are "moral".

Commentary: This is probably just "inspired" by actual events like tearing the game piece only to find free mozzarella sticks (the grand prize was a trip for 2 to Ireland). And T is providing the court's filing fees for our divorce papers, so I could just be feeling guilty about some things.

2. I was working with R on designing new business cards for the company. In real life, R recently transferred to my company's marketing department, and in my dream, he ran a business card design by me. I excitedly tore it apart, offering design-savvy suggestions and feeling very confident about my contributions. I remember quite a lot of detail about the actual design that was presented to me as well as my suggestions.

Commentary: I've recently offered my services to help a local business-owner by picking up the pieces from another graphic designer to have a store-front sign made. Add to that the fact that at my job, I still haven't gotten "on a roll" in my new position, and I'm starting to question how good a fit it is.

3. I talked with a man from Oklahoma at a Jeopardy studio audience in Valley Forge, PA. I was walking with a group of people in Valley Forge Park. The group was stretched out, and a man from Oklahoma was walking next to me and we started talking. He asked me questions about me, but I had a hard time talking to him because he kept walking ahead of me. (Which is very weird because I walk fast and usually have to slow down to not away from other people.) We entered an auditorium where there were seats on-stage for potential Jeopardy contestants, but this man and I were only loosely interested in playing along to answer questions, and had no desire to become contestants.

Commentary: I am going on a hike this Saturday with a group of people I've never met, and I do drive through Valley Forge Park every workday. I have no idea who the guy was, and I have no idea what triggered the Jeopardy game show.

Day 5 Self-acceptance

For me, the first level self-acceptance was realizing that much of what I am is a result of my experience. This allowed me to redirect energy from self-criticism to self-evaluation and improvement.

After that, applying the understanding of what it meant to not be perfect granted me the same rights as everyone else to live imperfectly, without self-induced punishment. (Barring abuse of these rights, of course.)

Once enough time passed, my way of thinking shifted to a more self-accepting perspective. I realized that since I could not change the past, I could not change the effect it has had on me, and therefore they way I am. At the same time, I have the freedom to make choices that affect me now and in the future. Since I am imperfect, I can only try to make the best choices in any given situation; and if hindsight suggests it may not have been the best choice, it's not reasonable to actually make that assumption.

Interestingly, I've applied these levels of acceptance to other people, and it's been difficult applying them to myself. This is also the case with a new level of acceptance (that I will get to in a minute), but there also seems to be a merge point between self-acceptance and my fear of judgment.

I have struggled to remember that others' judgments are meaningless in the grand scheme of things. I think one reason for this is that my Ego likes to be validated, which is the result of being judged positively - being accepted. But what good is it to be accepted, if it's meaningless?

Although an amazing chain of events occured to mentally bring me to this point, the catalyst was a quote,"It's better to be hated for what you are than loved for what you're not." So, my next level of self-acceptance is to identify those judgments that DO matter... my own.

I appreciate other people for what they are, but for myself, I concentrate on what I'm not, which is counter-productive. In that vein, if I apply to myself what I apply to others, I will be more self-accepting.

Day 4

I don't have any dreams or general topics of spirituality to discuss, but my day was filled with enjoyable moments, which are worthy of reflection and gratitude.

Tasty coffee in the morning.*
Lunch with a friend, during which we had good food and interesting conversation.
I received a vase of ten daffodils, like all the women in my office, from a male manager above them.
I left my comfort zone to talk to someone in the office I had seen at the gym when I go to play racquetball (and survived!)
I played racquetball.
I had an enjoyable dinner with a friend and drove them home after dropping off their car for service.
I was able to help another friend with a logo for her business.
And I'm writing about all of it, which for some reason, is enjoyable...

* Some say it's an addiction and therefore bad. To me it is more a ritual of doing something for myself, as I drive into an office to do hours and hours of work for someone else. There I go justifying myself. :)

Justification

I (loosely) participated in a good group discussion about the Ego, but my example didn't occur to me until I got home. I say loosely because my only contribution was the idea of fearing judgment. Even though my EGO likes to believe I'm above it, this fear actually does has a HUGE effect on me sometimes. Yet, I think a significant manifestation of my ego is my knee-jerk reaction to justify myself. An example (a very relevant one, I think) would be religion.

We all judge others on some level and I try my best not to judge unfairly. I admitted to being a little anxious, so I hope what I write is taken in the spirit in which it's intended.

It was made clear tonight that at least a couple members of the discussion group are Christians. Anyone who knows me or has read my previous post probably knows I do not consider myself to be Christian. I'm embarrassed to admit that immediately, if for only a moment, I wrote-off the possibility of future gatherings with this group because if this. Not because I would not accept them, but because I feared that as soon as they found out I wasn't a Christian, they wouldn't accept me.

[Now, I know this is illogical, but I've seen stranger things happen. AND being this open and honest demonstrates my faith that they are reasonable.]

I followed a minivan all the way home with a couple bumper stickers, "Who would Jesus bomb?" and "God bless everyone. No exeptions." I didn't really think anything of it, but it prompted me to consider what not being Christian means to me, which is what resulted in that ridiculous internal dialog. The first answer that comes to mind is that I feel I need to justify myself. Because I don't follow a specific religion, I'm somehow not as worthy of the great things life has to offer. Again, yes, I know... ridiculous. But I think that's Ego-driven.

Anyway, this is only a post about self-observance, which supports my idea of focusing on my spirituality, and is not meant to make any judgments on Christianity or the friendly people from the discussion group. :)

Day 3

No memory of dreams today. So, I guess I should ruminate on my other focus. Keep in mind that I tend to understand things better from a top-down perspective, so we'll start with general concepts (which is pretty much all I have at the moment) and become more detailed as things become clearer.

How do I define my spirituality?

My spirituality is my recognition, acceptance, and alignment with my soul's true expression. My soul's true expression is a state free of ego (and therefore conditioning), where there is no separation between my "authentic self" and the Universe. In another word, Enlightenment.

I'm under no supposition that I will achieve Enlightenment in my lifetime, but I believe that through developing my spirituality, I will be able to make the most of the time I have.

Recognition
Knowing borne from stillness, serendipitous "messages from the Universe", gut feelings, and the like, come to the mind from within - where our soul's are connected to all. Recognition of these as things by which use of the mind shall manifest is a valuable lesson in finding my path.

Acceptance
Trust is faith is knowing is acceptance. To use a positive analogy, when you trust a friend, you have faith in them. You know they will come through for you, which is an acceptance of a truth. (Pure logicians out there are suffering brain hemorrhages right now.)

"What I recognized, is truth."

Alignment
Once I have recognized and accepted the truth from within, my actions and expressions must align with that truth in order to be authentic.

I'm reminded of one quality described by Suze Orman as that of a wealthy woman. Harmony and Balance. Simply put, harmony within yourself is reached when what you think, feel, say, and do, are the same.

It is that harmony with the Universe that ultimately merges into one, with Enlightenment.

Day 2

Happy Easter.

I awoke this morning at 9am, after sleeping for 27 of the previous 32 hours. There are numerous possible causes, but since I really don't know which one, I'm not going to bother speculating. There were some weird dreams, though. Well, I guess it would be one drawn-out morphing type dream. And, unfortunately, I didn't get a chance to write about it earlier, so much of memory has faded.

Although I normally patronize Irish Joe's for Sunday breakfast, they were closed today so I went to La Creperie. The food was good, and I was entertained at the counter by a couple of the waitresses, Jill and Monica. I wasn't sure what I was going to do today, but I ended up setting up my "office" upstairs, which until this morning, I had no idea how to go about it. Yet, all of a sudden, a new arrangement came to me, and I've been enjoying it all day as I pass by. All I need is a lamp of some sort and a three-prong extension cord, and I will be golden.

It's Easter... and spiritually, I have nothing. On to the dream...

Dream: What I remember involves playing in a band without knowing how to play any of the instruments. Kinda like the band felt sorry for me, so I was part of the band without actually playing anything. Anyway, I'm outside at night, the only light around was amber-colored streetlights. A man and a woman walk up to me and start asking me questions about what I do in the band. The man was older and wore an overcoat and a hat. He didn't say anything. The woman was younger, maybe close to my age. She was pretty, with long, blond hair, and was wearing what looked like a faded, light yellow graphic tee with the drawing of a tree of some sort. The leaves on the tree were little hearts. The woman asked me questions and I explained my situation in great detail as we went through each instrument. Afterward she seemed to understand, and she offered to help me. I came to the revelation that I could help support the band by designing a logo, fliers, etc.

I went to my bedroom in some house to grab some belongings and return to the woman, and my Father comes in to find out what I'm doing. I think I was hoping to leave without him and my Mom noticing, but since he intersected me, I anticipated resistance and became immediately emotional. Lo and behold, the Universe was there for me however, as my Dad was wearing a t-shirt with the same design as the woman. I explained that I was going to get help, and I knew it was a good thing because she was wearing the same design on her shirt. I specifically remember pointing to the graphic on his shirt, which was pretty much eye-level as he is 6'4". I remember being very excited.

That's all I can remember coherently enough to write about. At some point, I was lying on a bed talking with my friend D, but I no longer remember details of what we were talking about.

Day 1

I'm not feeling very rested today, and I hadn't had much time to plan what I want to do before T called about me going to the house to pick up some more of my stuff. I went along with the idea as I had nothing else pressing. The most productive thing I did was drop off our bicycles for their annual tune-ups. I had zero energy and didn't end up taking any stuff home, but I did spend some time over there organizing/separating out some of my stuff for when I do.

Anyway, no spiritual stuff today, but I do remember some dreams...

Dream 1: I'm at a tennis tournament, and although I went on my own, I separately ran across friends. Most of my focus was on finding a good seat, and I didn't really know who was playing. Also, it was outside, in the rain. But, it wasn't too bad because in dreamland, although it was a little chilly, the rain felt warm, and you never really got wet; you could feel the rain hitting you, but it would quickly evaporate. At one point I sat next to N who told me I was breathing loud. Later, I sat next to R with my camera and laptop. As soon as decided to put my camera away, a great photo-op occurred so I missed it. Then it was dark and I was confused as to why my laptop was emitting so much light even though it was closed. (I think that in real life, I was annoyed at the light coming into my room. Yes, I slept in late; I was up late.) At some point, I moved toward the rear of the stands where there was an unattended snack bar.

Dream 2: I was lying in bed with one of my cats, Majik, and he was chewing on something (as he often does). I had to pat the covers down to see what he was doing, and he had the dangerous end of a large feather in his mouth. I went to pull it out of his mouth gently, but it turned out to be a REALLY long feather, and was down his throat. When it came out entirely, there was blood on it. Then the phone rang. (Telemarketer in real-life.)

Dream 3: Ever since I moved into my place, I have wanted to do something about the curtains on my windows because too much light comes in. In my dream, there were also blinds on the windows, and I had just discovered them after 3 months and felt like an idiot.

100 Days of Peace

OK, I'll play.

I want to discover what is missing.
I want to discover who I really am by tossing aside the conditioning that doesn't align with my spirit's true expression.

Aside from my regular personality work, which a lot of this blog has been dedicated to already, I think dreams and spirituality are good places for me to focus on these next 100 days.

Let's see what happens.

What I like about me

Those who know me understand that I tend to have a less than positive opinion of myself due to my ruthless inner critic. Although I have made headway in redirecting that energy, there is still a lot conditioning that has to be recognized as such and discarded in order for my authentic self to emerge and truly participate in, and contribute to, life.

Those who don't know me but have seen my blog may come to a similar conclusion, as although there is a positive direction to my efforts, I've noticed that most of my focus has been on my weaknesses and flaws. Although I have to look at them in order to change, the extent to which I'm doing so may contribute to my unbalanced view of myself.

In that vein, and not to be vain, I use this post, on this 35th anniversary of my birth, to acknowledge the things that I like about myself.

I...

• enjoy nature; tress, animals, bugs, etc.
• cherish moments.
  
• notice details.
  
• have much capacity for love.
  
• want to help.
  
• see opportunities for improvement, but want to stay true to what is right.
  
• assume people mean well.
  
• can be intense.
  
• usually pick up subtle hints.
  
• like to solve problems.

My world is shrinking

Some have chosen the "other side". Some have fallen off the face of the Earth. Some have had their own worlds change so much that their focus is elsewhere.

One by one, I am losing the relationships that I thought would last forever.

But I've not lost all hope. My world will re-emerge eventually, perhaps in a different dimension, and it will be much different (better) this time.

~~~~~~~

The "Black Hole" art that accompanies this post was created by Sven Geier, and supplied on a gallery page of his web site brought to me by a Google Images search. Pretty cool. :)

My relationship with money

I realized recently that my relationship with money is dysfunctional. Plus, it's mixed in with my sense of self-worth, which is obviously messed up.

I need to become more aware of what my money can do for me, and make sure that I make the best decisions I can on ways to take care of it. So in the end, it will take care of me.

As I become more knowledgeable and confident around my financial decisions, perhaps the entanglement of self-worth will unravel a bit so that I can recognize my true worth.

Sensitivity

Some days I feel people are too sensitive, and other days I feel that people are not respectful enough. In general, I think much effort is misplaced on using politically correct language than actually becoming knowledgeable about unfamiliar aspects of the world and the people in it.

Personal traps

Someone told me today that I was being impatient and defensive. Funny thing is, I saw it coming, but seemed to offend when I tried to end the conversation, so the inevitable occurred. At any rate, I appreciated the honesty and simply replied that I didn't mean to be. (Wow, I've come a long way; but I still have a long way to go.)

Anyway, this got me thinking about traps I fall into and in some cases, the logic that allows me to escape their grasp. Many of these are sub-types of over-thinking things, but deserve individual mention. And as a disclaimer, yes, I know a lot of these are obvious to many, and it may even sound silly that I am talking about them, but it's my blog, and I can say what I want. :)

Trap #1: It was something I did. Although I have the best intentions and try only to say and do what is honest, yet considerate, there are still times I miss the mark. But, more times than not, I place an over-importance of myself in a given situation, and find that there are plenty of other things that affect someone more than little old me.

Trap #2: Being defensive. Believe it or not, until today, I didn't see the difference between being defensive and simply being argumentative. I may not have it completely right, but my new persective on being defensive is the reaction I have when I'm told something that I interpret as being told that I am wrong. For example, imagine I said I wanted to play more tennis and someone told me to join a league. An honest and considerate answer would be: "I have thought of that, but it's not really feasible for me because of my skill level, fees, and so on."An argumentative response would be, "that wouldn't work." A defensive answer would be, "But I can't because I'm not skilled enough and it would cost to much money and I don't know of any leagues anyway." It might not be the best example, but I'm often told that it's the tone of my responses, too.

Trap #3: Being overcritical of others. I expect others to live up to my unreasonable standard of behavior. This is (at least) a two-fold issue. So, I just try to remember that each person is responsible for themselves, and it's not really possible for me to apply my standards on them because they are not me, and have different lives.

Trap #4: Scorched earth. The most dangerous trap for me as it can cause me to unnecessarily sabotage things. It's quite silly from a logical point of view, but if one aspect of something is not right and can't be made right, the entire thing is worthless and should be discarded. The only thing that saves me from this is to just be aware of my thoughts and try to apply logic to them before I do anything I'd regret.

I know I need to lighten up. My Mom has been saying that to me for YEARS.

If only I could neutralize my ego...

Tennis season begins

It felt so good to be on the tennis court today. I attended a meetup at the Southampton Tennis Club and played on clay courts for the first time. Not only did I have to shake off the rust of not playing all winter, I had to readjust from racquetball. I'm still playing that too, so maybe the transition back and forth will be easier after doing more often. The clay surface was definitely different; unfortunately, I didn't get comfortable with it to the point where I could slide much.

I met some nice people, but I don't expect to see them again until another meetup as none live near me. But, you never know.

Sense of humor

I have one. I can crack myself up.

However, it's a connection mechanism only when there is a common sense of humor. I also believe this is one of those areas that most visibly reflects childhood experience; whether a person grew up in laid back or controlling atmosphere, and how much exposure to laughter there was.

I don't laugh much. I think (hope) it's because of my current situation of adjustment as I can remember a time when I was more joyous. I hope to find joy again.

I'm not like her.

I don't have the outspoken demeanor that exudes confidence and says "hey everybody, I'm cool, and I'll talk to you if you're cool." I don't have her youth. I don't have her hair (don't get me started). He likes her. Not me. I understand that it doesn't mean anything - I really do. I just don't like it. I really, really don't.

Intelligence

I see intelligence as the ability to learn and apply what has been learned. It is not the same as knowing facts, although the number of facts someone knows can contribute to their intelligence depending on how those facts are applied.
The paradox is that the more you know, the less you know; and this knowledge, applied is intelligence.

Yarn

I am a strand of yarn. There are many fibers that make up my being. I can be separate, or twisted or braided with other strands. I can also support a network, like something crocheted, intersecting with different strands at different points. I can be strong or I can be frayed.

Transition

How am I doing? It depends on the day. Or the hour. Or the minute. But always, I am fortunate.

My living space is more than adequate on a functional level, but not so much on an aesthetic level. I won’t say aesthetics are unimportant overall, but at this stage in my life, in terms of my living space, they are a very low priority. Being practical is natural for me, so I’d say my adjustment to the roughness of my living space is complete. I no longer notice the things that others would probably turn up their noses at.

I can’t say as much for the other areas of adjustment, but they are progressing in the only way they can. (Not all are bad. However, I hesitate to sing the praises of being solitary out of respect for the effect this has had on the counterpart of this separation.)

On my way into work this morning, as I was driving through Valley Forge National Park, I happened to be thinking about what it feels like to be in love, and whether it was worth the inevitable heartache. Is that feeling of being in love so rare, that I shouldn't reject it? And at the moment I posed that question, I saw a red fox. As if the universe said, "Yes, it is that rare."